The biggest mistakes couples make when consulting parenting books is that more often than not, only one member of the couple reads them. No matter how sage the advice, unless parents are unified on the approach they take, their efforts to create change will likely fail.
When a child begins to struggle (academically, socially, behaviorally or emotionally) it creates significant stress for the parents. Usually, each parent has their own ideas about how to handle the problem and as a result, they often fail to fully agree on the approach they plan to take. Even when such agreement is reached, parents rarely take the time to flesh out and coordinate how they plan to implement their approach (yes, single parents do have an advantage in such situations).
What Happens When Parents Disagree
I've already written about the importance of teamwork in parenting, but such cooperation and communication becomes even more crucial when a child is struggling. When parents apply conflicting or different approaches to a child's problem it can easily make the problem worse. As a result, the following cycle may ensue:
1. The child receives mixed and/or confusing messages—problem doesn't get better.
2. The parents blame each other's approach for the set-backs
3. The child picks up on the parents' tension and feels responsible.
4. The child feels worse about themselves, making the problem unlikely to improve.
5. The parents' tension continues, magnifying the importance of the problem to the child.
6. The child feels even worse about the problem—problem often gets worse.
7. Parents become entrenched in their positions, continue to send confusing messages to the child, and the cycle gets perpetuated.
The Importance of Becoming Co-Experts
To escape this dynamic, parents must adopt a single strategy and work as a team. Because many couples struggle when it comes to negotiating and agreeing upon the best strategy to use, I, as well as many therapists, often recommend specific parenting books they can both read in order to "get on the same page." Parents are usually very grateful for such recommendations and they are quick to purchase the book in question. However, only a minority of parents both read it.
As a result, the parent who reads the book becomes the expert—and true teamwork again takes a back seat. For most parenting issues, which approach parents take is far less important than whether they can agree on the approach and make efforts to implement it together.
Smart Book Writing for Smart Parents
Fellow Psychology Today blogger Eileen Kennedy Moore Ph.D. is the co-author of Smart Parenting for Smart Kids, a book I've already recommended to several parents. What makes her book easier for both parents to read is that each chapter targets specific issues (e.g., tempering perfectionism, dealing with authority, etc...) and lists specific advice for dealing with that problem. Therefore, parents do not need to read the entire book to understand and implement the advice in each chapter, making it far more likely the child will receive a similar message from each of them. The book's very practical suggestions will also make parents feel calmer about the issue and thus prevent the cycle of tension and disagreement from taking hold.
Parents who want what's best for their child should focus on teamwork and cooperation with their spouse and put aside disagreements about parenting philosophies. That said, couples who can't stop arguing when discussing their child's issues should first read: How to Complain to Your Spouse without Starting an Argument
Copyright 2011 Guy Winch
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