We complain today more than ever before in history. So it seemed reasonable for me to suspect that someone somewhere was proud enough of his or her ability to kvetch they established some kind of complaining-related world record.
I consulted my good friends Google and Bing but neither of them had any knowledge of such a record. Consequently, I decided to write to the authority on such things-Guinness World Records and ask them who holds the world record for complaining and how such a record, if there was one, had been set.
Guinness wrote back a few days later and gave me examples of all kinds. There was the record for the 'most complained about book' at the American Library Association. That honor went to And Tango Makes Three by Justin Richardson and Peter Parnell-the true tale of two male penguins who raised a baby penguin.
Complaint writers claimed it was "anti-family". I'm not sure who these complaint writers were but if their own family bonds are so precarious they feel threatened by penguins, I suggest they take a break from letter writing campaigns and spend a little more quality time with the kids. Maybe take them to the zoo-to see the penguins.
Guinness also mentioned the world record for being the earliest lawsuit filed in the virtual world Second Life. Marc Bragg filed a lawsuit against Linden Labs in 2006 for expelling his Second Life character after they discovered him using a loophole that allowed him to buy in-game property before other users could bid.
I've never visited Second Life (I hear its lovely in the springtime) but I couldn't help wondering-how badly does one's 'First Life' have to suck for someone to get that worked-up about a character in Second Life? Maybe Mr. Bragg should have left Second Life and moved to Third Life-real-estate there is probably a steal!
There were plenty of other examples the folks at Guinness World Records suggested but none of them were really complaining-world-records per se. I was hoping for a record set by one individual, like the one set for longest stand-up comedy set or freaky fingernails.
I found the omission to be both puzzling and highly disappointing. Every year, thousands of people across the globe train so they can establish or break a Guinness World Record and none of them have thought of doing so by complaining?
Surely someone out there complains so rapidly, so prodigiously or so exceptionally they would want Guinness to formalize their achievements with an official world record. The plaque alone would be a great conversation piece!
I'm willing to do my part and formulate clear rules and standards for such an achievement but we will still need a champion to step forward. We all know prize worthy complainers. We need one of them to go for the big prize.
We need Adam Carolla, Larry David, Howard Stern, or anyone of the legion of complainers that live among us to toss their hat in the ring and attempt to claim the title of Guinness World Record for Complaining and revel in the honors and accolades that are bound to follow.
Maybe I should announce The Squeaky Wheel X Prize for advancements in the field of complaining-I hear Burt Rutan is retiring. Burt Rutan won the $10 million X-Prize for suborbital flight in 2004. I could offer...say, $100, in crisp fives and singles, you up for it Burt?
Please feel free to comment with your suggestions or nominations. Let's find our champion and make history together, dubious history perhaps but history nonetheless!
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Copyright 2011 Guy Winch
