The Social Thinker

I read about this study in the New York Times, and I think it makes women feel unnecessarily bad about their behavior. Do we study when men poach mates? If we do, I haven't seen any recent literature.

As a divorced woman, I have a little difficulty making new friends because married women might have a fear that I will poach their mates, based on studies like this.

As far as I know, this study focused on college-age women, who have an entirely different mindset and worldview than older women. I hope the researchers will do further studies with women in their late 20s, 30s and older.

Also, we need to delve deeper into why women rely on other women to pre-screen their mates. How many women actually do this? What about the women who never listen when a close friend or relative tells them that a guy is bad for them?

This study is being used to show that women can be like Jezebel and it seems like a backlash on the sexual revolution. It perpetuates some stereotypes, and I don't like the way the media is using it to push an agenda.

One thing that wasn't mentioned was the level of the man's status and how it had an affect. With college students did the males future career or earning potential have any affect? Do women who engage in mate poaching do so more toward men of higher income and status? Does being a single man send a subconscious message to some women's brain that something is wrong with him otherwise he would have a significant other? Does being a single man automatically imply a lack of status to some women? These women who had these alleged affairs with Jon Gosellin, did his celebrity or his wealth (that he's made of the show) factor into it? Women can be, and some are, capable of predatory behavior just like some men are. Studies like this don't imply that most women are like Jezebel, only a sizable minority. We shouldn't politicize studies like this, it only suppresses information.

I think "poaching" by women is just noticed more than that by men! Also- if the guy is able to be "poached", then I guess his pair-relationship is not as strong as it is perceived to be by others. I think that relationships are formed in many ways and the starting states of everyone concerned varies a lot and hence the pairings vary a lot. I can also imagine that "poaching" might allow an increase in self-esteem, but equally it might have nothing to do with it- people caught in the flush of love usually feel greater self-esteem than usual anyway. I'll be interested to see what your PhD student finds. In my own life, I was the one running from a pair to a single guy, so I haven't experienced "poaching" someone. On the other hand, lots of my friendship circle are having affairs with other married people with no intention of breaking pairs apart and quite a few women have tried to "poach" my male partner, but he doesn't go, in spite of me being a bit deadly- oranges are not the only fruit!

Most, if not all, of my male coworkers who have had affairs with married women didn't care wether the woman was married or not, they were just attracted to her. They didn't set out to poach another man's wife, they were just attracted to her and were apathetic about boundaries such as marriage.

Hi Anonymous (informing me that Jon and Kate are stars of some TV show)- I've never heard of either of them- I'm in Australia with no pay-tv. It doesn't matter to me what the article was triggered by- I'm just a psychologist and had a few observations on relationships! I think it's amusing that so many people get relationship "role models" from so-called "celebrities"- even that "Psychology Today" contributors head their articles with these names presumably to get more readers! To my mind the business between people that constitutes a relationship is the same no matter who, or which genders are involved- and it's still interesting!

Kay, my comments were observations, not a put down or criticism of yours. I also was not implying that one gender was better than the other, only that the sexes are different. I wasn't trying to inform you that John and Kate were celebrities as if you were ignorant, why the hostility toward me? I will have to respectfully disagree with you on some things, I believe gender does matter. Quite often men and women have different agendas, sometimes competing agendas. My comments weren't necessarily directed to you, I was just trying to add to the overall discussion. Also, not everyone watches celebrities so they can model their own behavior after them, much of the time it is to see successful people who have really dysfunctional lives.

During my dating years there were certainly times when I either pursued or allowed myself to be pursued by married men. My reasons (at least the ones I was aware of) were based on my total lack of interest in getting "too" involved. I could just about bet that the poachee wouldn't up and ask me to committ to him, or worse yet - marry him! I had no interest in marriage at that time, as I was concentrating (at least to a greater extent than now) on my career and other obligations I had then.

While this method was fairly successful, I did encounter men who wanted to leave their wives and forge a relationship with me that I had NO interest in. Amazingly, I had no guilt about the wives because they didn't seem real to me. I never poached a man who was interested in discussing his wife ... and it certainly wasn't a subject that fascinated me.

Today I must say that my actions in the past aren't something that bring me pride. To tell the truth, it's a chapter that I'd never discuss except in an anonymous format.