As the debate about marriage equality for same-sex couples rages on, legally recognized same-sex partnerships have been recognized in several states for long enough to begin to study them over time. Studying couples right after they marry doesn't provide a great window into relationships because most couples go through a honeymoon period that doesn't last. Studies on the development of marriages have actually found relationship satisfaction to follow a U-shaped curve like the one shown to the left (just a simulation). This is because researchers have found couples to have greater happiness at the earlier and later stages of the relationship. Because of this phenomenon it is important to try and study relationships over time.
Until very recently, studies of same-sex relationship have been limited because there haven't been legal definitions of these relationships. This has forced researchers to come up with their own criteria for defining when a relationship exists as well as when it should be considered over. This is difficult because the gold standard for measuring a relationship in our culture is marriage. Trying to define a relationship with a cutoff of a certain number of years doesn't work. It simply isn't clear how many years you have to be together to call it a "relationship." If you don't believe me, ask five of your friends this question and I bet you will get five different answers.
To soundly study the quality of same-sex relationships we need longitudinal data and some valid definition of a "relationship." Luckily, a newly published study by Kimberly Balsam and her research team reports some of the first long term follow-up data on same-sex domestic partnerships and compares their relationship quality to similar opposite-sex couples. The authors studied couples in Vermont, which legalized domestic partnerships in 2000. To create comparison groups, they asked the couples to help recruit a heterosexual married sibling and a gay or lesbian couple in their friendship circle who had not had a civil union. The researchers recruited the couples in 2002, and then followed up with them three years later. They asked the couples to complete a variety of standard measures of relationship satisfaction, conflict, quality, commitment, and intimacy.
Across the three year follow-up period, same-sex couples not in civil unions were more likely to have ended their relationship than same-sex couples in civil unions or heterosexual married couples. One interpretation of these findings is that legal recognition may help stabilize relationships. In fact, qualitative interviews with same-sex couples suggests that legal unions help create an incentive to try and work out relationship issues instead of splitting up. It also helps to instill a shared sense of commitment to the relationship. Further supporting the idea that legal unions stabilize relationship was the finding that these couples showed no statistically significant differences when they were asked these same questions at the beginning of their relationships in 2002.
One of more interesting findings of the study was that same-sex couples reported more positive relationship quality and less conflict than heterosexual married couples on nearly all of the measures included in the study. This finding is consistent with other research that has found that same sex-couples tend to fare better than heterosexual couples on most relationship variables. For example, Gottman found in 2003 that same-sex couples showed less belligerence, whining, and tension and showed more affection, humor, and joy than the comparable heterosexual married couples.
Since we don't have a lot of research to tell us why same-sex couples seem to have better relationships I will draw on a little personal experience. First, in the absence of legal marriage equality, there are fewer social forces pushing same-sex people into relationships. Because of this, people who choose to enter committed same-sex relationships are more likely to be doing it because they love and truly want to spend the rest of their life with their partner. Opposite-sex couples also get married because of love and desire for the relationship, but they also sometimes get married because of family pressure or unplanned pregnancy. Shotgun weddings are rare for same-sex couples. Second, in the absence of strong social norms for relationships, same-sex couples are forced to discuss and define their relationship for themselves-and this is healthy. We know that division of labor in relationship still tends to fall along traditional gender lines, but these lines don't exist with two people of the same sex. This forces same-sex couples to discuss how they are going to take care of the home, expenses, and family; all of which are topics that that unfortunately fail to get discussed in many relationships. Discussing these topics helps build the foundation of the relationship through shared expectations and a fair division of labor. It also helps to build skills for how to discuss other important topics. From my perspective this communication is the key to strong and positive relationships. It's probably what led my mother to recently comment that she is sometimes jealous of how well my partner and I communicate and get along. Plus, as I told her, it might just be easier to get along with someone of the same sex--after all, you inherently have more in common.
There are three important things to take away from these studies. First, same sex couples can have strong, stable, and healthy relationships. Anyone who tells you otherwise is suffering from a failure to recognize reality. Second, legally recognizing same-sex relationships could increase their stability. It certainly would bring a number of other important benefits as I have previously discussed. Third, same-sex couples have a lot to teach everyone about how to have healthy relationships. Strong communication and fair division of labor in a relationship are universal recipes for success no matter if the couple is two men, two women, or one of each.
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References
Balsam, K. F., Beauchaine, T. P., Rothblum, E. D., & Solomon, S. E. (2008). Three-year follow-up of same-sex couples who had civil unions in Vermont, same-sex couples not in civil unions, and heterosexual married couples. Developmental Psychology, 44(1), 102-116.
Gottman, J. M., Levenson, R. W., Swanson, C., Swanson, K., Tyson, R., & Yoshimoto, D. (2003). Observing gay, lesbian and heterosexual couples' relationships: mathematical modeling of conflict interaction. Journal of Homosexuality, 45(1), 65-91.
