The idea that thoughts play a role in defining who you are is conventional wisdom. Remember the old adage: "Watch your thoughts, they become your words. Watch your words, they become actions. Watch your actions, they become habits. Watch your habits, they become your character. Watch your character, it becomes your destiny." (Source unknown and disputed). This quote succinctly demonstrates the power of thoughts in defining who you are.

However, in Eastern Philosophy, especially Buddhism, your thoughts are not important in defining who you are. One of the goals of meditation is to quiet your thoughts and get away from the "monkey mind." This is the tendency for the mind to swing from thought to thought, in a tangential tirade of meaninglessness. In fact, much of our thoughts aren't even remembered. Our working memory, which is part of short-term memory, does not convert the thoughts to long-term memory unless they are meaningful or important. This means that much of what we think about in a day is insignificant and lost forever. Lost in thoughts, the thinker is whittling away the time and occupying the ego; he is made to feel something important is happening.

Another argument that thoughts are unimportant comes from the author Dan Millman. When quoting the mentor he calls Socrates he says, "People are not their thoughts, they think they are, and that brings them all kinds of sadness." As a therapist, I see people judging themselves harshly for what they think, and it is unnecessary. But according to Millman, "Your thoughts don't say any more about who you are than the freckle on the end of your nose."

People give too much importance to their thoughts: They chastise themselves for the thoughts they have. They try to deny their less savory thoughts as they feel it reflects badly on them.

Carl Jung had a name for the accumulation of thoughts one cannot accept as one's own, the Shadow. The Shadow often appears in dreams, as a same sex person who acts differently from your waking self. For many, this archetype is dark, perhaps even evil. Many Jungian therapists recommend embracing your Shadow, which is really just accepting that you have a dark side. This does not mean acting on the thoughts. It simply means recognizing and accepting these thoughts as your own, even though you might find them unsavory.

With all this conflicting information, what should we do? Are thoughts integral to who we are? Or are they meaningless banter? The best answer: Both. Much of what we think is irrelevant to who we are. People should not judge themselves harshly for the unsavory thoughts that pop up automatically. Everyone would benefit from a quieter mind; research continues to applaud the benefits of meditation and mindfulness.

At the same time, we have some control over our thoughts. It would be wise, when we are mindful of negative thoughts, to challenge the root and replace them with thoughts more in line with how we want to be. We entertain some of our thoughts, and this is where the dividing line lies. We give power to the thoughts we entertain. The thoughts that are automatic sometimes provide clues to our beliefs, but are often just fleeting and are inconsequential to who we are.

So relax, you are not your thoughts. Remember, though, that you can direct thoughts in a way to be more of who you want to be.

Copyright 2011 William Berry