Future dramatic changes in life may seem romantic but in reality often they aren't worth as much as we think. New freedom and real change begins in the now, in front of us with the people with whom we live, travel, and work. Any alteration of lifestyle or change of habit begins here. On New Year's Eve it is easy to make promises for the new year. It is easy to behave a certain way with people who don't know us. However, the sometimes difficult but simple soil in which to plant seeds of true change is our own "inter and intrapersonal neighborhood": the relationships with our family, friends, coworkers-even, maybe especially, the relationship with ourselves.
Once we have decided on an attitude or style of behavior we would like to alter in ourselves, we need to ask how we would practice it. In my own life, I have been told and believe it to be true that my greatest gift in life is "passion". I am a naturally energetic and enthusiastic person. This is a great gift but as in all talents, it can have its downside at times. If I am not careful, this beautiful gift of passion can turn into my being intrusive, overwhelming-being a real annoyance to people. Rather than letting them share their gifts, take their seats at the organization or family table so they can flourish too, I take all the seats. I have all the answers. The result is not very pleasant and naturally people eventually react negatively. Then, I become defensive, while failing to see my dominant destructive role in the interactions. The thought that arises at such times is: "Well, that's the last time I try to help them!" Or, "I was only trying to give them my ideas. They can just do it any way they want now. I'm done helping them!"
Another equally unclear approach is when I try to cover my own negative feelings with a veneer of chronic niceness. My attitude hasn't changed but I feel I should be "more charitable." Naturally, this approach ends in failure, too. People see I'm being pedantic and controlling and react either overtly or passive aggressively by indirectly showing their anger by undercutting my efforts. Then I get angry because they are not doing what I wanted them to do. Worse yet, I don't even see I am a fake and manipulator at these times. The result is bad feelings all around.
There is another way, though, and the good news is that all of the power to make this change is in me and the best place to try it is right in my daily circumstances. By looking at my own passion I can ask the questions: How can I share it in a way that it doesn't edge out other people. The response for me should be to seed gentleness in my own heart. The lesson: By softening our greatest talent, we allow it to be our greatest gift.
Think about any style of those you know and you will find this is true. There is the creative, relational executive who drives people crazy because he never makes a deadline and is so scattered. Should he give up his talents? No. But if he would soften his style with a little more organization, he would be an awesome leader. The helpful cousin who takes on too much and expects others to express their gratefulness, then becomes resentful when she feels unappreciated or overworked-once again, should this person stop being helpful? No. But by looking at her motivation and proactively limiting others when they ask too much, she will truly be a grateful giver.
Soften our central style is a key change which opens the door to being more balanced. With such balance, less defensive energy is wasted and more is available for growth and further change. Also, the best place to practice is right in front of us. The ideal people with whom to hone our style are those who know us best. Our daily routine can then be an actual "course" in uncovering greater freedom in ourselves. Isn't that wonderful?
