The value of silence and solitude, for instance, has recently been better recognized for its purely psychological worth partly due to the work of British psychiatrist Anthony Storr. In his classic work On Solitude he notes “Modern psychotherapists, including myself have taken as their criterion of emotional maturity the capacity of the individual to make mature relationships on equal terms. With few exceptions, psychotherapists have omitted to consider the fact that the capacity to be alone is also an aspect of emotional maturity.”
In this volume, he also presents Admiral Byrd as an example of someone who searched for solitude. Byrd appreciated the value of solitude as well as its offer of silence as part and parcel of his experience. Reflecting on his solo Antarctic expedition in the winter of 1934, Byrd wrote:
Aside from the meteorological…work, I had no important purposes…Nothing whatsoever, except one man’s desire to know that kind of experience to the full, to be by himself for a while and to taste peace and quiet and solitude long enough to find out how good they really are…I wanted something more than just privacy in the geographical sense. I wanted to sink roots into some replenishing philosophy…I did take away something that I had not fully possessed before: appreciation of the sheer beauty and miracle of being alive, and a humble set of values…Civilization has not altered my ideas. I live more simply now, and with more peace.
The benefits are certainly there if we approach such a quiet place, not with a sense of duty, but as a time for returning to our self; it will become a gentle place of reassurance, reassessment, and peace. Time spent in silence and solitude on a regular basis can affect us in the following ways:
Sharpens our sense of clarity about the life we are living and the choices we are making;
Enhances our attitude of simplicity;
Increase our humility and help us avoid unnecessary arrogance by allowing time to examine the defenses and games we play (these often surface for us to see during quiet times);
Lets us enjoy our relationship with ourselves more;
Decreases our dependence on the reinforcement of others;
Enables us to recognize our own areas of anger, entitlement, greed, cowardice (given the opportunity to quietly review the day’s activities and our reaction to them);
Protects our own inner fire so that we can reach out without being pulled down;
Helps us to accept change and loss;
Makes us more sensitive to the compulsions in our lives;
Allows us to experience the importance of love and acceptance (which are fruits of the contemplative life) and acknowledge the silliness and waste involved in condemning self and judging others;
Allows us to hear the gentle inner voice that reflects the spiritual sound of authenticity and
Helps us respect the need to take time to strengthen our own inner space so that we can, in turn, be more sensitive to the presence of others in our life
In other words, taking quiet time in solitude and silence during each day can provide us with a place to breathe deeply.
Once we consider taking out the time to sit in silence and solitude or are involved in mindfulness meditation in a group, we may then come up with another set of objections. The first objection may be: “When I quiet down and try to enjoy the silence, all I do is hear the noise of my thoughts and worries. So I know I’m not made for meditation or reflection.” This is a typical objection of beginners. It needs to be handled, otherwise we will quit after a couple of minutes, no matter how many times we try.
The reality is that most of us hear noise in our minds all day long. When we sit in silence the first important bit of information we get is to learn how preoccupied we are with so many things. Knowing this is helpful because it:
Helps us let the static expend itself. (Given a chance, after a while our mind calms down);
Gives us some indication of the type of worries we have about which we feel helpless or anxious. (We get a chance to hear what we are continually thinking);
Prepares us to empty our minds so we can breathe deeply, relax, and experience “the now” rather than always being caught in the past or preoccupied with the future.
So, expecting the noise and letting it move through us are two ways we can meet the objection that we are not suited or able to quietly reflect or meditate. The reality we must remember is: Many people of all personality types have found meditation wonderfully helpful. It is not just for a certain type of person.
A second objection might be: “Meditation or reflection is too hard and alien. I’m not a yogi and have found meditation or even quiet prayer uncomfortable.” The response to this is simple:
Find a quiet place (alone if possible).
Sit up straight.
Close your eyes or keep them slightly open looking a few feet in front of you.
Count slow, naturally exhaled breaths from one to four and repeat the process.
Relax and let stray thoughts move through you like a slow-moving train, observe them objectively, then let them go
Experience living in the now.
If it sounds like I’m putting great emphasis on quiet time, I am. I have found if we give some space to ourselves and try not to judge ourselves/others harshly, avoid panicking or trying to immediately solve a problem, but instead calm ourselves down, we will learn not to jump to quick conclusions; our usual ways of doing business (our programming) will not take over. This will allow our habits to loosen their hold on us so we can see life – including ourselves – differently.
When people do express their gratitude for my recommendation that they take at least two minutes a day for quiet reflection first thing in the morning, they often report extending it to twenty minutes. Then they try to find another ten minutes during the day to reconnect with the experience and find another few minutes in the evening to become tranquil, give closure, and release the day before they go to sleep.
In guiding others toward using meditation as a building block to enable change, one of the other things I also notice is that it loosens people up throughout their whole day – not just during the reflection period. The more we allow our thoughts to inform, rather than frighten, depress, or anger us, the less we are grasped by our [rigid] thinking and interpretations. We are not in a vise but are instead free to use our power of observation, analysis, and curiosity to help us learn valuable lessons about life. Meditation not only frees us to be open during the period of reflection, it also produces an attitude that makes us less defensive and more intrigued with stumbles as well as triumphs. It can positively contaminate our day!
During a workshop sponsored by Harvard Medical School on “Mindfulness and Psychotherapy” a psychiatrist whispered a question to me during one of the breaks. He asked: “Everyone here seems to have a mindfulness practice? Do you?” Implicit in his question was, “How does one begin developing such a practice? It seems so overwhelming and elusive.”
As a start you need only take several steps. These include:
Take at least a few minutes in silence and solitude each morning to center yourself. Do this by selecting a quiet place, sitting up straight, and simply counting your breaths from one to four while allowing whatever thoughts that arise to pass through you without suppressing or entertaining them;
Ensure you have breaks between activities, groups, or meetings to quiet and separate yourself from what you have experienced so you can decontaminate yourself of the stressful elements of intensive encounters you have with others;
Ensure you take a brief walk at least once during the day.
Dr. Robert Wicks received his doctorate in psychology from Hahnemann Medical College and Hospital in Philadelphia, is on the faculty of Loyola University Maryland and the author of BOUNCE: LIVING THE RESILIENT LIFE (Oxford) and PRAYERFULNESS (Sorin Books).
