Once upon a time, I accepted an invitation to a "Euchre party" hosted by friends of friends. In between rounds, while I was taking a smoke break (I used to smoke), I was approached by an attractive woman with that sublime waist-to-hip ratio. She bummed a cigarette, and we started talking.
"Tina" was extroverted, friendly and sexually suggestive--at the time, everything I liked in a woman. Amazingly, I said nothing to screw things up. I scored her number. It was only later that I found out Tina was married.
Ever since the first cave man married the first cave woman--no doubt, in a primitive fire-worshipping ceremony--infidelity has been a problem that's plagued monogamous relationships. Coveting another man's wife is a common social sin that destabilizes marriages and fragments families.
Apparently, men's bodies are hard-wired to compete with rival semen. Some researchers suggest that the ridge of the glans (penis head) is designed as a semen-displacement device to "scoop" out rival semen during sex. Additionally, there are studies that suggest that when a man is away from his mate for a prolonged period of time, the volume of semen that he ejaculates into her vagina increases so as to flush out rival sperm.
Goetz and colleagues further explore cuckoldry in an enlightening study published in 2005. The researchers surveyed 305 university-age men in "committed" relationships. They found that men who perceived their mates as physically attractive, open and extroverted--traits that would attract rival sexual partners--engaged in mate-retention tactics and performed semen-displacing behaviors.
The mate-retention tactics were verbal and non-verbal and included demeaning the mate ("You're ugly and nobody wants you .... "), failing to introduce the mate to his friends ("You don't want to meet her because she's a bore .... "), giving gifts that symbolize commitment (jewelry), referring to the mate in possessive terms ("You'll be mine forever .... "), and providing sexual favors (prolonging copulation so as a woman can achieve orgasm).
As for semen-displacing behaviors, men who are away from their mates for any significant period of time are likely to copulate as quickly as possible when reunited. Additionally, subjects in the study would thrust more vigorously so as to ensure that their semen penetrated more deeply into the vagina and displaced the semen of a rival.
After waiting a few days, I called Tina. I was already planning a method of attack that would culminate in ecstasy: coffee first, lunch next, dinner third ... and eventually sexy time! I was surprised when a man answered. He gruffly demanded the purpose of my call. He had one of those voices that provokes fear--I sensed that I had made a mistake. I told him that I wanted to speak with Tina, and that we were supposed to have coffee. He told me that Tina was his wife and that I should go [have sex with myself] and never to call again. He told me that if I were to call again, then he would trace my number and show up at my place and beat the [poop] out of me. So much for my road map to ecstasy ... I didn't even get to coffee.
It retrospect, I feel bad about the situation with Tina. I would have never have flirted with Tina or called her home if I knew that she was married. I'm no home-wrecker. But I also feel bad for Tina's husband. He probably faced an onslaught of rival semen. In my mind, he typifies the subjects of Goetz's study. He probably can't even go to the market with peace of mind. And when he returns, he probably feels a strong compulsion to lay Tina on a flat surface and thrust deeply.
