Thankfully, you're not alone. Schools and houses of worship, among others, also aim to instill respect in your children. But, like most of child rearing, respect starts at home. If you can teach your children to respect you, themselves, and others when they are young, they're likely to carry that value with them as they enter the real world and use it to become successful, happy, and contributing adults.

Respect For You, Respect For Themselves

When you earn your children's respect, they also learn to respect themselves. Respect is so important because, without it, children can't value themselves or others. Children who don't respect themselves are more likely to drink alcohol, take drugs, have sex, and treat others badly. Children who lack self-respect simply don't care about themselves or anyone else.

Children who have self-respect treat themselves well. They're less likely to do harmful things, they make good choices, and they tend to act in ways that are in their own best interests. The benefits of teaching the value of respect early include children who:

• Are happier, more successful, and have healthier relationships.
• Are unselfish, considerate, caring, and generous.
• Respect you and other influential adults.
• Honor reasonable boundaries placed on them.
• Are more likely to trust you and abide by your directives.

Contrary to the assertions of popular culture, when you act like parents you engender healthy respect, encourage caring relationships, and foster their positive development.

Be the Parent

Popular culture tells you that to be a good parent, you should be friends with your children. You should hang out with them, tell them anything, and treat them as equals. But when you're friends with your children, you actually detract from the strength of your relationship and surrender your influence over them. When you become friends with your children, you give up your unique relationship with them because they have many friends, but they have only two (hopefully) parents.

Let me make this very clear: being you child's friend is NOT YOUR JOB! You cannot and should not be friends with your children. If you're friends with your children, you are hurting them.

Why, you ask, is it such a bad thing to be friends with your children? It's simple. Friends have equal power with their peers, yet parents and children should not share power. Parents have to do things that friends wouldn't do. Friends don't tell friends to do their homework and friends don't tell friends when it's time to go to bed.

How many times have you said, "Which part of ‘no' don't you understand?" Well, apparently many children in America don't understand any part of "no." A recent survey by the Center for a New American Dream reports that when parents say no to a request, 60 percent of children keep nagging, on average, nine times after being told no. Ten percent of 12- and 13-year-olds even said that they nag their parents over 50 times. Even more troubling, 55 percent of the children surveyed said that their parents usually gave in. When you're friends with your children, they won't respect your power to say "No!" and mean it.

Your children don't want to be friends with you. When I ask children how they feel about being friends with their parents, they look at me as if I'm from another planet. It's just not in their mindset to be friends with their parents. You're their parents! Parents aren't supposed to be cool, phat, or hip (and if you use any of those words, you're definitely not). When you try to act like your children's friends, you come across, as one girl once told me, "Oh so 20th century! Acting cool makes them look so dorky and desperate." And despite their frequent protestations, your children want you to be their parents. So remember, being friends was definitely not your children's idea.

Your children also need you to be their parents. Though children in the 21st century often look, dress, act, and talk like adults long before they actually are, the reality is that until they reach their teens, they are still children in many ways-inexperienced, unskilled, immature-and living in a world that has never been more threatening. Your children need someone in their lives-YOU!-who is more powerful than they and who can protect them from the big, scary world (of course, they would never admit that to you!). When children are the most powerful people in their families, they live in a constant state of fear because they're not ready to take on the world alone. When you're the parent, you can provide them with a safe haven-with direction, support, and boundaries-from which to explore the world. You show your children that you're there to protect them when needed.

When parents want to be friends with their children, they aren't doing it because it's best for their children. These parents are often unfulfilled in their own lives, lonely, and aren't getting their needs met from adults. They share inappropriate information with their children (e.g., about their relationship with their spouse) and place the onus of their happiness on their children's shoulders. Because of their love for their parents, most children will accept this role because they feel guilty if they didn't give their parents that support. Lacking the experience and maturity to handle this responsibility, however, children slowly crumble under its weight. In time, their love, empathy, and compassion for their parents can turn to anger and resentment at having to assume a role that they neither asked for nor are capable of handling.

Here's a simple rule: parents should have adult friendships and children should have peer friendships. If your needs for intimacy and support are appropriately satisfied by other adults, you won't need to turn to your children to have those needs met. Similarly, your children should have age-appropriate relationships with peers, with whom they can share and gain support from. Freedom from the responsibility of being friends enables you to fulfill your real parental responsibilities and allows your children to be children.

Here are some keys to earning respect and maintaining healthy boundaries:

• Be aware of what your needs are and by whom they are being met.
• Be careful that your children aren't being forced to unreasonably sacrifice time with peers to be with you.
• Never use guilt to force them to choose you over their friends.
• Monitor what you talk to them about and be sure the content of your conversations is appropriate for an adult speaking to a child.

Gaining your children's respect doesn't mean that you have to be a harsh, restrictive ogre. You can be loving, fun, and supportive. But it also means being tough, though being tough doesn't mean being unkind, angry, or controlling. Being tough means knowing what is best for your children and doing what is in their best interests-whether they like it or not. Being their parent also doesn't mean that they won't care for you any less. In fact, they will love and respect you more because you are doing what is best for them.

Not being your children's friend when they're young doesn't preclude you from ever being their friend. Once your children become adults, then you can be friends with them. At that point, you'll want to be friends with your children because you'll want to live with them when you get old!

Maintain Power