The Power of Pleasure

This article reminded me of that rather annoying commercial for sex lubricant where the man and woman engage in role play and he shows up at his own door as a rather unconvincing pool cleaner. Is that really how we keep it spicy, by buying a product and then pretending to be someone else? Sometimes I feel completely overwhelmed by this cultural imperative to have the best sex ever and always. I read Dan Savage's column and think "Gee, maybe I'm not kinky enough." I watch "Real Sex" on HBO and think "Is that how sex is supposed to be?" Meanwhile, Grandpa's on viagra and grandma's practicing her oral sex technique because we can't stop having sex. Ever! Great sex is all that matters.

Then I read an article at WebMD about how the penis changes as a person goes through mid-life into the elderly years, reverting to a smaller, hairless, more pre-pubescent state, and it made me think: maybe nature intends for us to just stop at some point. Maybe we're not meant to be sexual creatures til the day we die. Maybe long term relationships aren't meant to be sexually passionate from the dawn of the relationship til dusk. Maybe we are just longing for something that is not physiologically possible. Maybe erectile dysfunction and low libido are not diseases to be cured or staved off, but simply the natural progress of the human being from youth into old age.

I know it's not a popular view, but sometimes you just can't fight mother nature.

Acevedo and Aron's recent studies on long-term (> 20yrs)romantic love would seem to be proof positive that desire does not necessarily dwindle as a relationship matures. A not insignificant minority of people manage to keep alive that dopamine fueled, highly sexual love for decades. I count myself as a member of that happy minority. I think (hope) my wife is a member too!

Perhaps the social template of the traditional monogamous relationship is simply incompatible with human primate desire for multiple sex partners. So, the lack of passion would be a predictable symptom of an unfulfilling, boring sex life that is at odds with the demonstrated preference of many, many human primates, both male and female. We have a bad fit in monogamy and the negative outcome metrics to prove it. But if the invisible man who lives in the sky wants it like this, I suppose His will be done.

Hi Kristen!

Thanks for doing the research and providing interesting insights to sex and long term relationships.

The orgasm is really a catalyst to what I believe many of us are craving...which is a deeper, more intimate connection with our Beloved. There are many forms of sensual pleasure to get us to climax... whether it's fantasy or tantra or orgasmic yoga. And exploring one's physical desires and pleasures is part of the self knowledge/full expression journey.

To me it's what happens as a result of experiencing great sex. There's the obvious health benefits... and there's also the emotional and spiritual connection that takes place... the lovely sensations of well begin spill out into the rest of our lives.

I love how Rabbi Shmuley explains eroticism in his book the Kosher Sutra: "eroticism is the thrilling desire to connect: to know, to explore, to penetrate, and to comprehend."

Cheers!

@AndeLyons
@BringBackDesire