The Polyamorists Next Door

Exploring the world of consensual non-monogamy

Why I Am Not Polyamorous, But You Might Want to Be, Part 2

This is the second part in a three-part blog explaining why I do not identify as polyamorous, but how it might work for others. First I explain how I left my quasi-poly relationship, and then I detail the three primary reasons I do not identify as polyamorous. Read More


I think this is more prevalent today than ever and rightly so with the evolution of our lives and business. For some it just makes sense.

Gaining popularity


I think you are correct that polyamory and non-monogamy in general is becoming much more popular, in part because people live so much longer than they used to that they have time for multiple partners across their lives and simultaneously.

What do you mean by "the evolution of our business?"

Thanks for reading and commenting,

Elisabeth Sheff


You could be a swinger like we are and have the additional sex without the poly strings. Personally a good number of people who are "poly" seem to really just like casual sex but don't want to be labeled as sluts so we get the "single poly".

Its a hold over from the idea that sex itself is dirty if its just for itself. Time to bury that one.

Swinging would have been a great alternative

Hey Chicup,

You are soooooooo right! If Rick had known himself more maybe he could have admitted that it really was about having sex with two women at the same time and then we could have moved ahead with swinging instead. Maybe that way we would not have had such a protracted disagreement and I might not have been so angry at him when he changed his mind. That is all predicated on Rick knowing and admitting what he actually wanted, which was not what actually happened.

Too bad you weren't around 23 years ago when we were figuring this out!

Thanks for reading and commenting,


I'm not sure about that,

I'm not sure about that, depending on what you wanted anyways. I have a good deal of experience giving swinger advice and posted on a site for over 10 years until recently. One of the common issues is the male harem mentality. Adding another woman great, and hey you are bisexual so all the better, but adding another man forces them into that jealousy place they don't have to face when its another woman. This works both ways btw, a lot of men try to get their wives to swing with a MFM and then are hurt when she won't let it go the other way.

Added over coming sexual jealousy is difficult, but doable, I have completely. Overcoming emotional jealousy is different and I don't even know if its healthy relationship wise. What I mean is that while I'd honestly have to sit a while and count how many men my wife has been with in swinging, there has never been an emotional component, they are just "fun friends". I would not be comfortable if she had someone she loved like she does me.

I could spend a good hour or more writing about the human tendency to pair bond and the evolutionary psychology involved, but a little jealousy isn't a bad thing.

Holey moley- you're a lesbian?

I never would have guessed! You seem so normal and wholesome.

I mean, roller derby and an obsession with sexual deviance weren't total giveaways at all.


Hi Larry,

I identify as bisexual or queer, depending on the day and the context. That is not to say that I am not normal or wholesome, my sexual orientation has nothing to do with that.

Cheers, Eli

Why bother identifying as anything?

You seem to be a very open and interesting person. Just be yourself and let people in regardless of orientation, as you will.

Good Point

Good point. Why does anyone have to identify as anything? Hopefully part 3 will help to answer that question

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Elisabeth Sheff, Ph.D., is an expert on polyamory and sexual-minority families with children.


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