Missed Connections: Taking Chances in Love and in Sex

Many of us are familiar with newspaper classified or Craigslist "missed connections" - the two people who caught each others' eyes on a subway but never met or made small talk in an elevator but didn't have the courage to ask for each other's phone number (or even a first name). But those aren't the only missed connections - most of us have had the experience of having a moment in which love, sex or a relationship might have gone another way if only you or he or she had done or said X, Y or Z. Of course, the path not taken can never be known - but, nevertheless, sometimes it makes us wonder. What might have happened if only...?

A friend once wrote about walks he used to take in college. As I remember it, he said that if his former girlfriend had ever come out onto her balcony during his walks that wound up passing by her dorm's quad, he would have fallen back in love with her or declared his feelings or something else that could have happened but never did.

In my own life, I remember driving someone to the airport after spending a long weekend together as friends. On the drive, he declared romantic feelings for me as I sat there driving in shock. Though I shared his feelings, I couldn't speak them out loud because I was too busy being newly single. And I was so surprised that he liked me like that. I feared that if I said what I felt that he would hold out hope or leave his girlfriend (yes, there was this one other complicating factor) and for what? I wasn't ready.

Another time I was on the verge of making an extremely big life change to be with someone - the kind of life change where you leave everything and go to Costa Rica together. It was scary but freeing to consider. He'd been asking. I'd been wanting but hiding. And finally, because I adored him more than I could contain, I started inching over the line. It was time, I thought. I would go. In waiting to tell him, though, I found myself waiting for a couple of days without hearing from him. When I did, it was only to learn that he didn't choose me. He had chosen someone else as a kind of substitute - someone good for the moment (because I wasn't there) but someone else nevertheless. The biggest missed connection. I wanted to tell him that I'd been on the verge of finally choosing to give us a try, that I had been ready, but what was the point? I took it as a sign from the universe that it wasn't meant to be and kept quiet.

It's hard to know what to do in the moment, though, isn't it? You can get up your courage and lay it all on the table. You can be bold and fight for love or passion or commitment or whatever it is you think you have a chance of. It takes courage. It also takes some level of security - a sense that either you won't be rejected or that, even if you are, you'll be all right. You'll have friends or family, a dog or a cat, satisfying work, meaningful hobbies, whatever it is - something you can fall back on that makes your life enjoyable to live, even if you try and it doesn't work out as you planned.

So what can you do? Take a breath every now and then and try to ask for a phone number, a date or a second (or tenth) chance. What's the worst that can happen? He or she will say no.

If you miss a connection, you can try again another time (maybe). Or you can chalk it up as a good lesson, something you needed to learn and try your best not to let it happen again with the next person. And in sex, you can open your eyes to connect in a way you maybe didn't realize before. You can try having sex with the lights on, in a new position, rejecting your partner with kindness, or holding your significant other's hand on the couch even if you haven't done so in months or years. Even if you've barely touched, you can try. Stranger things have happened than two people deciding they don't want to miss each other anymore.

Debby Herbenick, PhD, MPH is a Research Scientist at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, and the author of Because It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. Her personal blog can be found at MySexProfessor.com. Follow her on Twitter @mysexprofessor