Think for a moment about the most recent time that you had sex. Consider the who, the where, we already know the what (though if you want to consider that in more detail, too, feel free). But what about the why? Why did you have sex with that person in that place and in that very moment? And just as important, what needs of yours did that sexual experience fill?
Though scientists have been studying sexual behavior in systematic ways (think surveys, interviews, experiments) for about 70 years now, we still have much to learn as a field about the psychology of human sexuality. And we - as individual actors in this play of love, sex and relationships - have much to learn about our own hearts and desires.
Why have sex?
We know that human beings have sex for numerous and varied reasons. One recent study identified more than 200 reasons that college students gave for having sex including reasons of attraction, pleasure, enjoyment, to stir jealousy and, less often, to relieve headaches or cramps.
With age, we perhaps add a few new reasons to the list: because the kids are sleeping over at friends' houses on the same night, because it's your partner's birthday, because you're afraid your partner will leave you for someone with a higher sex drive if you don't, or because sex helps you to feel youthful and energetic again in a way that only kissing while naked can do.
Emotional intentions
While "reasons" for sex are, I believe, interesting and important to examine, so are our emotional intentions for sex. Reasons are based in logic - they reflect what we know (or think) about what we do. They are products of the mind and what we use to explain our behavior. Intentions reflect what's beneath the surface. Many of us have sex for reasons of fun, attraction, generosity of the heart (say, to make your partner feel better) or obligation. But what's beneath these "reasons"?
Some scientists have studied the ways in which our attachment styles may be related to our sexual styles. For example, highly avoidant people - those who shy away from closeness or affection in their relationships - may prefer casual sex as well as sex positions that are less "emotion-laded" (such as rear-entry or other positions that don't easily allow for eye contact). Those who are highly anxious, on the other hand, may use sex as a way to make sure that their partner stays and doesn't abandon or reject them (even if they, themselves, don't feel like having sex).
On different days, and in response to different ebbs and flows in our relationships, many of us may see bits and pieces of these "sexual styles" in our own bedrooms. There may be times when you feel secure and confident and can take or leave sex as you please. At other times, you may be feeling insecure or jealous and find that sex with your partner helps you to feel reassure or relieved. Sex and love are highly dynamic forces in our lives and these changes are healthy adaptations to the pulse of relationships.
How awareness can make sex better
What I would suggest, though, is that developing some awareness of your emotional needs may make your sex life more meaningful or enjoyable. For example, noticing when you are having sex to make your partner happy may help you to deepen the way your express your sexuality as a tool for providing pleasure (rather than feeling "obligated", which is a less enjoyable place to be). Noticing when you need closeness and reassurance may help you to suggest sex positions that help you to feel more connected or loved. Being aware of your needs and intentions can help drive your behavior so that if you need cuddling, you get it. And if you need a quick stress reliever, you can get that too (it's okay to ask for - or to give - a quickie!).
Two common storylines about sex seem to be about having sex for love or for passion, but there are many other options too. Sexual connection with another human being, or sexual pleasure and fantasy when you're by yourself, can fill very important emotional needs - and your being aware of them can help you to seek out sex in ways that feel satisfying to you and to your partner.
Debby Herbenick, PhD, MPH is a research scientist at Indiana University, a sexual health educator at The Kinsey Institute, and the author ofBecause It Feels Good: A Woman's Guide to Sexual Pleasure and Satisfaction. Her personal blog can be found at MySexProfessor.com
