The Older Dad

1. Other parents/adults are not like my parents. They don't watch their kids, and they won't necessarily punish them for pushing my head under the water. In fact, when I defend myself, these unreliable adults will yell at *me* for doing so, without asking why. They won't care that I was victimized, they will say it doesn't matter who started it.

2. Any known retaliation on my part will probably result in further aggression from the allies of my attacker.

3. When my own parents see other adults reprimanding me, they will assume I deserve the reprimand. Even when I tell them the reason for my own aggression was that I was *defending* myself after being victimized, my parents will still punish *me*. Therefore, my parents can no longer be trusted to be my protectors.

4. As I get older, I will watch political unrest over land ownership and occupation, and social unrest over unequal entitlement programs and so on and so forth, and I will realize that all of the evil in the world could be neatly laid at the feet of the truly guilty parties if only mankind were willing to crawl into history and own up to the one question that we are all taught not to ask: Who *started* it?

Unimportant's comments help all of us to understand how bullying can affect the way children develop underlying assumptions that color their perceptions. In the blog, Bullying 101, I pointed out that the older brother apologized to Connor publicly. That apology resulted from his parents intervention and discipline of their children. But if Unimportant grew up bullied and unsupported by adults, it is easy to see how those experiences developed assumptions that guide how Unimportant would create meaning from my blog. Unimportant's inference that adults will say that it didn't matter who started the conflict can be seen as understandable--not accurate in the case of the story in my blog--but understandable anyway.

When group aggression escalates, as it did in the case of my story, often bystanders do not intervene and "allies" of one faction will take further action. But in the blog, my own actions disrupted the escalation and created social pressure on the other parents by removing their attention from Connor and onto me (an adult). While the "allies" acted aggressively, they were also held accountable through logical consequences (being required to accept responsibility and apologize). The cycle of aggression stopped and was replaced by positive interactions. Again, though, if someone has a history of victimization through group violence that escalated, it is easy to see how the positive outcome would be hard to incorporate as a part of the overall meaning of the blog.

Sometimes a history of victimization and neglect can lead to a mistaken thinking process known as mind reading. Mind reading is believing that you know what others think without testing your belief against the evidence in reality. The post by Unimportant suggested such a thinking error when saying "they assume I deserve the reprimand." My blog was intended to show that I removed Connor from the initial situation without reprimanding him--instead the aggression was de-escalated by removing him and he was taught two lessons: 1) retaliation is not acceptable so he was asked to accept responsibility for it, and 2) if someone hurts you, seek out your parents who will intervene and protect you. Unimportant's view that parents punish victimized children (rather than protect them) is a sobering example of the seriousness of childhood aggression and bullying. We, as parents, are reminded by Unimportant's comments that our children need us to protect them and teach them how to deal constructively with aggression from others.

I hope you, as a reader, will remember that Unimportant's comments could have created a defensive response. But...instead, Unimportant's comments show parents the need to hear the "back story" (what led to Unimportant's reaction and ideas). While I would never presume to know the real story behind Unimportant's comments, my hope is that someone will validate Unimportant's voice with care and concern. Thank you, Unimportant, for trusting enough to post your thoughts.

My 12 year old son is very bright, does very well in school, and happens to have ADHD. He used to be very physically active, but that seems to have subsided, and I now say he has ADHD of the mouth as he talks a lot. He is bright, but this leads him to be a bit of a know-it-all. And he is very impulsive, and has a very hard time putting on the brakes of his impulsive (not infrequently annoying) behavior. He also does not pick up on many of the subtle social nuances that exist in the middle school world.

He has been bullied from a very young age. We used to live in a small apartment building where a very "Queen Bee and Wannabee" environment existed, and my son was selected as the outcast. Some of this had to do with his impulsive behavior, and some was probably due to whatever issues were going on in the minds of the bullies. He was the youngest kid in the neighborhood and had no way to stand up to the older group of kids. This went on for a few years, until he finally gave up, and refused to go outside and play. I was finally in a position for us to move, and we left that neighborhood. Even though we are in a better neighborhood now, he won't go outside or seek out other friends, even ones we know he'll get a positive response from.

The bullying started to carry over to school around 3rd or 4th grade, even though he'd had many friends before that. By 5th grade, he hated school. He started middle school this year, and went to a different school than many of the kids he was at elementary school with, and I'd hoped that would give him a fresh start. I put him in band, because he loved that in 5th grade, and I had hoped that would give him a self-esteem boosting experienc. Unfortunately, the band teacher was a bit of a bully himself, and now my son hates band. After Christmas break, things were so bad at school, he begged me to homeschool him and I finally agreed, and now we do the district's independent study program at home.

I also started him in therapy, hoping that he could learn some skills to help him get along with other kids. The therapist seems to be focusing on responding to bullies and sticking up for himself, which is great. But I feel that my son could also learn some social skills so that he can learn how to make friends and not annoy other kids with his impulsivity and know-it-all talkativeness. The therapist doesn't seem to focus on that as much. And maybe he's right, I'm not sure. But, if he has the same annoying behaviors that was a put-off to other kids in the first place, I'm not sure he's going to be more successful with friendships.

Anyway, I really want my son to be able to make friends, to feel confident and happy, and be assertive in dealing with bullies. I would love any feedback, ideas or suggestions.