The New Resilience

Better health in an interconnected world.

by Douglas LaBier, Ph.D.

What's The Point of Staying Married?

By Douglas LaBier, Ph.D. on March 10, 2011 in The New Resilience

It may be psychologically healthier to have two kinds of marriages during your lifetime. Or, to reassess why you want to stay in the marriage you're in.

Where to start?

Submitted by Anonymous on March 10, 2011 - 12:55pm.

Ordinarily, I'd be willing to overlook silly, overgeneralized assertions like the idea that relationships are different because of 9/11 or climate change. ("Gee, honey, it's not working out. I think it's all this climate change.")

And I suppose it's a net positive that Dr. LaBier can air views which are well outside of the mainstream, in the name of scholastic debate. But really? I just don't get the suggestion that people ought to re-assess marriages once the kids leave the house (or sooner--not really sure what timeframe is proposed here). Honestly, you'd think that the spread of no-fault divorce already made this a possibility if people truly felt it was worthwhile.

Instead, it sounds like yet another thinly-veiled attempt (among many on this website) to convince those "knuckle-draggers" out there to abandon monogamy because, you know, gosh, marriage is hard and stuff.

What isn't considered here, among other things, is the fact that a spouse who does not work or works part time when children are going through school might be at a significant disadvantage when the other spouse says, "So long--off to my second marriage!"

Also, I have to believe the psychological health of those who get divorced is probably worse, in most cases, than the health of those who stay married. But then, I never cared for such utilitarian thinking anyhow.

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"the psychological health of

Submitted by Other Anonymous on March 11, 2011 - 12:41pm.

"the psychological health of those who get divorced is probably worse, in most cases, than the health of those who stay married."

It's a good thing that you put nullifiers like "probably" and "in most cases" in your comment, because it's a very black-or-white view of being married vs divorced. Cases of physical and emotional abuse, as well as folks staying in unsatisfying marriages for years because they think they'll be a bad person, or someone will have an ill opinion of them, are way more popular than I think you're considering. I think it can necessary to get out to save your sanity.

Yes, it's important that partners work at improving the partnership, but what happens when the efforts are imbalanced or poorly applied? When you notice that things aren't going well, should you just stick it out to not be a quitter, or "for the kids"?

I can see how you may have been wronged, from looking at your next-to-last paragraph, but realize that not everyone shares your story.

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Thanks for your comments --

Submitted by Douglas LaBier, Ph.D. on March 12, 2011 - 9:22am.

@ anonymous -- Thanks for your comments -- but I'm not sure what you are offering by way of discussion/critique, when you use such phrases as "silly," "thinly-veiled attempt..." etc. I don't think a reading of my piece would find advocacy to "abandon monogamy." Divorce in current society does result in potential damage to partners and children -- all the more reason to engage in thoughtful reflection between partners as to why you are together, and what would support revitalizing or reconstituting the marriage as you age. I have seen too may results, clinically, of not doing that.

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In today's society so many

Submitted by Anonymous on March 28, 2011 - 11:44am.

In today's society so many are trapped in their description of what a marriage is suppose to be. When you have chosen to share life with a life partner, mutual contentment is consistently monitored in a way that encourages openness and total acceptance. Unlike open companionships, most marriages are based on an out dated religious model which limits flexibility.