First, some explanation of what I mean by EDD: When you suffer from it you're unable to step outside yourself and tune in to what other people experience, especially those who feel, think and believe differently from yourself. That makes it a source of personal conflicts, of communication breakdown in intimate relationships, and of adversarial attitudes - including hatred - towards groups of people who differ in their beliefs, traditions or ways of life from your own.

Take the man who told me that his wife always complained that he didn't spend enough time with their children; that she had most of the burden despite having a career of her own. "Yeah, I see her point," he said in a neutral voice, "but I need time for my sports activities on the weekends. I'm not going to give that up. And at night I'm tired, I want to veg out." As we talked further, it became clear to me that he simply didn't experience what his wife's world was like for her, on the inside. His own reality - his own needs - were his only reality.

Or the computer executive who prided himself on having a stable family life, then casually told me that, even though he recognized the environmental threats posed by worldwide climate change, he couldn't care less. "I'll be long gone when New York is under water," he said. And when I asked him whether he cared about the consequences for his kids or grandkids, he replied with a grin: "Hey, that's their problem."

Then there's the woman who works in the financial industry, who told me she's indifferent to how American Muslims might feel in today's environment, or to being profiled when boarding airplanes: "I think they're all terrorists," she said, "and would like to kill us all, anyway."

These may sound like extreme examples, but I hear variations of those themes all the time. EDD keeps you locked inside a self-centered world, and that breeds emotional isolation, disconnection and polarization. That's highly dangerous in today's interconnected, globalized world, and it plays out in ways both small and large:

For example, you see it in troubled intimate relationships - when partners become locked into adversarial and oppositional positions. In warfare between groups with different beliefs - like the current polarization over political and social issues. And in current global threats - Tribal and religious groups killing each other; Palestinians and Israelis locked into a death-grip. Not to mention looming worldwide disasters or continued depletion of the resources and health of the only planet we have.

Empathy vs. Sympathy

Empathy is different from sympathy. Sympathy reflects understanding another person's situation - but viewed through your own lens. That is, it's based on your version of what the other person is dealing with. ("Yeah, I can sympathize with your problem with your elderly mother, because I have my own problems with mine ..."). The narcissist can be sympathetic in this way.

That self-centered focus is similar to what some people think love is when they're really enthralled with their own feeling of being "in love," rather than in love with the reality of who their partner is, as I wrote about in a previous post.

In contrast, empathy is what you feel only when you can step outside of yourself and enter the internal world of the other person. There, without abandoning or losing your own perspective, you can experience the other's emotions, conflicts, or aspirations from within the vantage point of that person's world. That's not telepathy - it's a hard-wired capacity in all of us, as I explain below. And that kind of connection builds healthy, mutual relationships - an essential part of mental health.

How Do You Develop EDD?

Most people are socially conditioned into believing that acquiring and achieving things are "normal" - even "healthy" - ways to live. EDD grows when people focus too much on acquiring power, status, and money for themselves. Nearly every day we hear or read about more extreme examples: people who go over the edge in their pursuit of money, power or recognition, and end up resigning their jobs, in rehab or behind bars.

But many of the people I see everyday, whether in psychotherapy or executive consulting, struggle with their own versions of the same thing through too much emphasis on acquiring - both things and people. That's going to promote vanity and self-importance. Then, you become increasingly alienated from your own heart, and equate what you have with who you are.

And that's a killer for empathy, because then you're ripe for the delusion that you're completely independent and self-sufficient. You lose touch with the true reality, that all humans are interconnected and interdependent - all organs of the same body, so to speak. Your sense of being a part of the larger interwoven community - which is absolutely necessary for survival in today's world - fades away. And so does your awareness that we have to sink or swim together, help each other, and sustain the planet we inhabit - or else we're all in deep trouble. 

The net result of this social conditioning is the decline of empathy for other human beings who are on the same boat you are. You don't recognize that we're all one, bound together. You only see yourself. And I think that's a bona fide emotional disorder in our times.

Sometimes, a person's sudden awakening of interconnection jump-starts their empathy. At such times, people automatically respond from the heart. For example, look at the response of citizens to the massive earthquake in Haiti, or to Hurricane Katrina. Or what I witnessed recently when some passers-by stopped to help the victims of an auto accident.

When empathy is aroused, you let go of your usual attachment to yourself and you want to help; connect in some way. I often suggest to people to think of this, as an example: When you cut your finger, you don't say, "That's my finger's problem, not mine." Nor do you do a cost-benefit analysis before deciding whether to take action. You respond immediately because you feel the pain. It's part of you.

Empathy Is Hard-Wired

Overcoming EDD is easier than you may think. In fact, considerable research shows that the capacity to feel what another person feels is "hard-wired" through what are called "mirror neurons." Functional magnetic resonance imagery (fMRI) shows that regions of the brain involving both emotions and physical sensations light up in someone who observes or becomes aware of another person's pain or distress. Literally, you do feel another's pain or other emotions. Similar research shows that generosity and altruistic behavior light up pleasure centers of the brain usually associated with food or sex.