The current issue of M magazine in Germany has a wonderful 2 page spread about Taking Woodstock. BUT the headline: "Blow Job without a Condom"!
OMG! Tru and Tennessee and I were partying thats all. I also partied with Judy Garland but breeding and good taste would never permit me to discuss a bj with or without condoms. And since I am and always have been celibate, this kind of ambush journalism has made me have the vapors. To make matters more perplexing, I"ve gotten over 3,000 letters from Germany.. all in German so I have no clues as to what they are ranting about. Recently, on Sirius XM Radio on the Michelangelo Signorile show, Mike ambushed me with stuff about my partying over 40 years ago with Rock Hudson at a party. He wanted to know if it was a Gay party? I was 19. I didnt even know the word gay. Of the approximately 100 guests, mostly laying on the floor in what appeared to be psychological trances, all were male. The only woman there was the lady at the bar dressed so elegantly in leather chains and handcuffs. Her name was Tulip. I never got the names of the others except for instantly recognizing Rock Hudson. I was shocked to see Doris Day's husband laying belly down in either a Schitzophrenic or Manic stupor.
ELIZABETH TAYLOR:
LIZ was rumored to be giving lectures about psychologically unbalanced herrings in the North Sea at the New York Institute of sexually molested Yentas.
I pretended to be a Yenta when I registered for this overlooked herring condition. I had always been freaked out by Herrings since my momma had live fish in the bathtub every Friday. I thought they were pets and played with them. But dinnertime, she served herring. She was proud to announce how fresh they were. I ran to the bathtub and alas, alack, no pet fishes. To this day I never eat herring nor fish. I was planning to discuss this phobia with Liz, but she was said to be woofing down at the Red Lobster restaurant on the corner.
MARLON BRANDO & MOI:
I was about 18 and innocent when Wally Cox, the star of Mr.Peepers and Hollywood Squares, sat at a table with Marlon. They invited me over for a beer. I was flabbergasted that a famous TV star was going to buy me a beer. Marlon? It was just before 'The Men', Stanley Kramers awesome film so he was not yet famous. But Marlon, who had one purple eye and one hazel, stared at me and smiled. He put his arm around my shoulder and said he sensed we would become close friends. My mother warned me about strangers with one purple eye and one black eye, but Marlon didnt fit this warning. He took me to the Fulton Fish Market to look at herrings. Yuk. Aaaaach. I was about to end my sudden friendship when who should come along? Carmen Miranda, a bowl of fruit on her head of course. Carmen ignored Marlon and aproached me instantly:
"You look older than twelve which is my usual limit. But it is so lonely being an international movie star. Come to my place and I'll make you a fresh fruit salad. You dont want to kill these fishies. Herring will make you stink. Come my darling!", she insisted as she swept me away to her limo.
Today's advice? If Marinol doesn't calm you down, steal a banana from your monkey, slice it open, and fill it with peanut butter, chocolate syrup and chilli pepper sauce.
