The Navel Gazer

Comments about everything and nothing.

Elliot Tiber is the author of the book Taking Woodstock, which was made into a major motion film by Ang Lee. See full bio

August 20, 2009, Evolutionary Psychology

Brad Pitt doesn't need therapy: He needs me ASAP

I am not talking to Angelina Jolie ever.

I am not talking to Angelina Jolie. Her dad, John Voight was to star in my French film: Rue Haute (High Street) in 1976. He phoned the day before shooting to say his wife was having a difficult time with birthing Angelina, so instead of flying to Brussels, he flew to Hollywood. Because of Angelna, we missed out on an Academy Award and was only a finalist!

Ergo, Brad Pitt doesnt need the Jolie Therapy, but the Elliot Tiber absurdist therapy which has already helped over 4.5 million bloggers. I know Brad is not Gay. But if he would come live with me for five years, at least he'd have an opportunity to find out what is good for him. I have an eleven step program ready. Since I'm an Atheist Jew, I've eliminated the nonsense about God. Bill Mahr can give u the valid reasons behind accepting Atheism as a richer way of life better than I can.

I'm regularly accused of not being realistic. Pfff. I never watch the news. I only read the film/arts/theater sections of newspapers. That is a realism based on imagination and intellectual quicksand that is nourishing to the soul and heart. Realistic? Sure I know that Brad Pitt is never going to leave Angelina for me and my Yorkie. Therefore, a Brad Pitt look-a-like is certainly acceptable and invited to make an application.

My Evolutionary Psychology method?

My faux leather anylist couch (Am a vegetarian and don't kill animals) would suit Brad or a look-a-like. He would lay back, with my Yorkie dancing all over his chest, tongue ready to kiss him. 18 hours of this, and he would realise that 4 + 4 = 7. Shakespeare said it best: "He who drinks New York Seltzer can make the world a better place." Proof positive? Sarah Palin does not drink New York Seltzer. Neither did George Bush nor George Washington.

Summary:

I will be addressing the United Nations General Assembly September 31, April 31, and June 31. I have sent the evil Nazi Pope a bottle of New York Seltzer in the hope he will see the light and confess to his criminal behavior and stand trial in a Taliban court asap.