When I want to do good, I don't. And when I try not to do wrong, I do it anyway. Rom. 7:19
We feel bad, guilty, and inferior because of the notion that humans are innately good and do good things. While this is true, it's not all that simple. We are vulnerable creatures. If left to our own devices, we are tempted to cheat, lie, brag, and indulge in other excesses. We will do all the selfish and wrong things imaginable. As noted in the quotation above from Paul's letter to the Romans, our weaknesses are always there, although our intentions may be good. In brief, humans are fallible by nature.
The idea of infallibility belongs to early childhood expectations of our parents. In time, we realize that our parents are quite fallible, and once the family fails our projected image, we transfer our fantasies and expectations onto our friends, our newly found alternative family.
By seeing others as infallible, you set yourself up for frustration and disappointment. In reality you will be subjected to the shortcomings and betrayals of friends and other intimates. Your patience and your ability to forgive will be tested again and again. The Bible says, A man's wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense. (Prov. 19:11)
How we react when a friend fails us - whether we feel sadness or rage - can be traced back to our earliest relationship with our mother. In the mother-child relationship, the child can't be responsible for helping the mother recover from her empathic failures. Fallout from a friend's failure, however, requires mutuality of adulthood. To spare friends embarrassment and shame, we need to lift the burden of failures from their shoulders. "I know you're my friend," said a fellow to his friend after being told that the friend would miss his upcoming wedding. "I know you would have liked to have been present at my wedding. When you said you couldn't, that was enough for me, because I know you would have if you could have."
Loyalty is the cornerstone of trusting relationships. Without the confidence we find in loyalty, we are bereft in our insecure existence. But loyalty cannot be demanded and is valuable only when spontaneously offered. Any solicitation of loyalty betrays its nature. Loyalty is not a transaction; it cannot be traded for money, promises, gratitude, charity, or pity. Loyalty cannot even be exchanged with loyalty. It may be a two-way street, but not necessarily. Offer your friend your loyalty without demanding or expecting reciprocity. It either exists or it doesn't.
Loyalty is multifaceted: It is emotional - the loyalty of values; ideological - the loyalty of principles; spiritual - the loyalty of faith. Betrayal of any one of these loyalties may challenge your beliefs, your commitment to relationships or to a cause. Betraying these loyalties may even shake the very sense of being in spiritually vulnerable persons. But God tells us betrayals (personal, ideological, or spiritual) shouldn't shake our beliefs in human relationships or our principles. You must make allowance for each other's faults. (Col. 3:13) If anything, betrayals of any sort should strengthen your commitment and determination to believe in the wholesomeness of your spiritual relationships.
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T. Byram Karasu, M.D. is the author of The Spirit of Happiness
