The Shah of Persia refused to be taken to the Derby Day, saying, "It is already known to me that one horse can run faster than another."
--William James
Even successful men face a similar difficult task toward the last phase of their lives unless they learn to transcend the concept of winning. The story of the Shah of Persia that begins the section is an example of transcending the win-lose paradigm. The end of one's career, one's wealth, and one's good health in general hits men quite hard. The idea of retirement may be equivalent to castration, if not death, for men whose identity is built around work, especially if the work has been successful. Winning, which has been their driving force since their childhood games, naturally gains an overarching significance, independent of what is to be won or lost.
Old men appear older, lonelier, and more helpless than women. Power (and the self-assurance it brings), the very thing that men pursue, keeps slipping through their fingers. Traditionally, women have built enduring personal connections that help them survive losing scenarios. But if the winning is defined only by careers, wealth, and power at the expense of health, genuine intimacy, and loving engagements in daily life, this winning may be the ultimate losing.
Women bear and raise children, feed the family, clean house, do other chores, drive kids to school, games, or their friends' houses and pick them up, read them bedtime stories, and worry about their illnesses, their school, and their social lives, often while working outside the home. There is no way fully to appreciate the selflessness of these mothers, for they are invisible at the end product. They are the real carvers of the backs of masterpieces. Men have a great deal to learn from them, to find their calling, then work hard lovingly, and simultaneously build enduring intimate relationships that can make successes even out of failures. A verse from the Spanish poet Antonio Machado is eloquent on this point:
Last night, as I was sleeping,
I dreamt-marvellous error!-
that I had a beehive here inside my heart.
And the golden bees were making white combs
and sweet honey from my old failures.
T. Byram Karasu, MD is the author of The Art of Serenity
