The Soul selects her own Society-Then-
shuts the Door-
To her divine Majority-
Present no more.
-Emily Dickinson
"Soul mateness," more than emotional intimacy, grows with crises and adversities. Although it occasionally occurs in an initial encounter, soul matedness is developed over time. A soul mate is not found but cultivated. Soul mateness is not like love at first sight but more like W.W. Benjamin's "love at last sight." "From love of man one occasionally embraces someone in random," says Nietzsche. But one must remain in that embrace for a long time in order for that person to evolve to a soul mate. There is no microwave equivalent to it.
The Catholic Scholar John O'Donohue's recent exploration of our yearning to belong calls such soul friendships "eternal echoes." The soul relationship is a bond so special that neither space nor time could destroy it. It arouses an echo that resonates in the hearts of the friends forever, so that they experience a profound and intimate belonging with each other. Such a soulful relation offers a place to capture and hold all the longings of the human heart.
The sexual relation between soul mates is rarely a passionate one, although it might have started as such. When people talk about soul mates, we do not ask what they mean. We somehow understand, even though we ourselves might never have had such a relationship. We intuitively know that profound connection, that effortless communion. This precious intimacy crosses all boundaries of sex, age, and culture. It has all the elements of other intimate relationships, such as friends, lovers, or siblings, but is also quite distinct from them.
One can't will soul mateness as one may friendships, marriages, and work partnerships. One can only position oneself by being soulful. The soul mate will appear. The soulless person, in reaching for a soul mate, finds only himself again. He puts on a mask of soul but remains ego within. Such people may achieve important positions, accumulate great wealth, marry and have children, but they will always feel alone, and will make others feel even more so.
Mysteriously enough, even the most soulful of us rarely gets more than one chance in life to encounter a soul mate, because this relationship requires a sexual partner who is also a soulful person. Very few are graced with multiple opportunities. Somehow, human beings don't fully appreciate the preciousness of the gift of having a soul mate until we lose it. Then we begin our long and painful odyssey to find a replacement. Alas, there are no stand-ins for soul mates.
T. Byram Karasu is the author of The Art of Serenity.
