It is overstated (but there is some truth to it) that in choosing a partner man tends to settle for physical
beauty, and woman for a good provider, even though both seek many other qualities (
intelligence, sense of
humor, health, sensuality, good
genes) as well. It is interesting that none of these qualities determines either the stability or the durability of a
marriage. Obviously, no one enters a marriage with an expectation that it will not last. The conjugal vow "til death do us part" is a genuine belief at the time it is made, though heavily tainted with the excitements of
sex and novelty. Therefore, mundane conflicts in the early stages of marriage are easily solved in bed. Sex becomes the "peace ground" for the couple.
Sex is also a battleground upon which many nonsexual skirmishes are fought. Because sexual intimacy invariably exposes one's vulnerabilities, it triggers some of the most primal fears and longings. Sexual contact may be experienced as an emotionally distant one-person affair or a blissful merging. Some individuals may feel unsafe in the sexual encounter-enslaved, engulfed, or disintegrated-while others may experience the reverse-comfort, intimacy, affection, passion, and exaltation. Sexual behavior is just another manifestation of the individual's maturational level.
Sex, beauty, and wealth are only transitory binders. By contrast, being generous to strangers, surviving each other's provocation, and honoring what is precious to the other are potentially permanent binders. I'll discuss generosity to strangers in the future. Let's look at the other two potentially permanent binders now.
The Israeli biologist Amotz Zahavi believes that some otherwise mysterious conflicts might be explained by the mechanism of "testing of the bond." By provoking the partner, he contends, one may assess his or her willingness to continue to deliver the "goods of marriage" in the face of future difficulties. A basic question, of course, is whether all lovers (in different species) have spats to test each other. Zahavi answers by providing examples from courting birds. Female cardinals, says he, peck and chase wooing males and allow mating only after long persecution of their suitors. Their subsequent bond lasts for many seasons.
A couple may peck and chase each other to test their relation. But their individual growth within the marriage must continue. They will need continually to learn to protect each other's solitude and privacy, not to blame, to tolerate life triangulations and, last but not least, to cherish each other's peculiarities, no matter how foolish they may sound.
Honoring what is precious to the spouse is best portrayed in an African tale, as told by Harold Kushner, of a sky maiden:
A sky maiden married to an earthling caught her husband opening the huge locked box that belonged to her. He was more puzzled than guilty about his indiscreet act because he had discovered that the box was empty. When she angrily began to leave, he was perplexed and asked her what was so objectionable about peeking into an empty box. To his surprise she replied, "I'm not leaving you for the reason you think-it's not because you opened the box. Rather, it's because you called it empty. To me, it wasn't empty; it was full of sky and the aromas of my home. I can't be your wife if what is so precious to me is emptiness to you."
T. Byram Karasu, M.D., is the author of The Art of Serenity
