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An unexpected and unwanted breakup can cause considerable psychological distress. People report feeling as if they have been kicked in the stomach or blindsided and knocked down. Feelings of rejection and self-doubt are common, as is the feeling of being stuck and unable to let go, even when one wants to. Read More
The brain reframe?
Hi Dr. Melanie--
It's not surprising that women take on more responsibility for romantic break-ups, and ruminate about what went wrong.
It's so true, that people need time to process, grieve, and let go. One thing I find helpful is to talk to clients about what they gained from the loss? For example, less criticism about appearance, more peace of mind from lack of arguing, etc.
Sadly, and this is mostly women I'm referring to, some hang on to the hope that the relationship will somehow "repair" itself, and with time, their partner will see what they lost...I guess the refusal to move on after a few months, is where the addictive tendencies are activated?
Thank you for this valuable brain research:)
Thanks for insightful comments
Linda,
Thanks for your comments. I think the perspective of an experienced clinician is a great complement to the research findings. Re refusal to move on, I think there may be a lot of factors. People cling onto the hopes and dreams they had for the relationship - dreams of having kids and family, emotional and financial security, status etc. If the relationship takes away those possibilities, it's difficult to let go of the dream. I also think social isolation, feelings of betrayal, limited resources, past losses or rejections, and attachment schemas can play a role. I think I will write a Part 2 later this week focusing on all that.
Re the focus on positive aspects of the breakup, it's funny that you mention that. I actually wrote a companion post on my own blog (Mari Health Psychologist blog) about an expressive writing study that did help people feel better. Here is the link.
http://networkedblogs.com/gM6dE#
Love the brain search summary
Love the brain search summary as I don't think I'd ever be able or interested in digging all that up! Fascinating. Thank you for doing the hard work of reviewing the research, summarizing and writing about it!
good post
Hi! I love neuroscience and it's great insight to know that the addiction, pleasure and pain centers are all actually involved. Love is a chemical addiction! People sure act like it, and now we have the proof! So difficult to work with those who are addicted to narcissistic, abusive partners....thanks for the post!
Thanks for your validation
I know. The whole addiction idea helps explain why people seem to experience "cravings." I agree that it's tough and sometimes heartbreaking work dealing with clients in abusive relationships.
Great post!
I am not surprised that physical and emotional pain is so close together in the brain. Thanks for writing this. I will refer your work to clients suffering from heartbreak.
http://irenesavarese.com/blog/
Thanks!
I plan on sharing this with clients. I think they will find an experience of validation in recognizing that their difficulty to move forward has a genuine reason, and is not just a failure to "get over it." That validation may be the piece that helps them begin to heal more successfully.
thank you!
Thanks Irene & Anne for your comments & referring your clients to the post. I've been sharing it with my clients as well. It does help explain the lingering pain of romantic rejection. If the client feels deceived, taken advantage of, or betrayed, this is even harder to deal with, in my clinical experience.
Break-up's are indeed traumatic...
Hi Melanie,
Thank you for sharing the research.
I found your article through twitter and retweeted it as well. :D
Break-up's are indeed traumatic.
I wrote a piece on Limerance that supports your thought on obsessive thoughts and cravings post break-up: http://www.coreselfhelp.com/?p=35
Cheers,
Chris Powers
If only...
If only emotional pain was seen as equally valid as physical pain (socially, not neurologically).
When we have a broken leg we expect it to take several weeks (if not months) to heal, yet matters of the heart are less tangible and it seems often come with an expectation we should "get over it".
Thanks for highlighting the pain of rejection in the brain as a reality, on par with physical pain.
If only...
If only emotional pain was seen as equally valid as physical pain (socially, not neurologically).
When we have a broken leg we expect it to take several weeks (if not months) to heal, yet matters of the heart are less tangible and it seems often come with an expectation we should "get over it".
Thanks for highlighting the pain of rejection in the brain as a reality, on par with physical pain.
Neuroscience of relationship breakups
Thank you for validating that the pain people experience with break-ups are equivalent to physical pain. People has their individual means of getting over a breakup, there is no time limit to it, there are some who can bounce back within 6 months and there are some who will take more than that. Good luck to all who are mending a broken heart.
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