The Mind-Body Connection

On eating disorders, self-injury, the psychosomatic component of physical illness, somatization, and the importance of touch

“In Hookups, Inequality Still Reigns”

As the Rolling Stones said, I can't get no satisfaction I can't get no satisfaction 'Cause I try and I try and I try and I try Read More

Using this same logic,

maybe it's time that men stop trying in relationships. After all, they are driven by Nature to inseminate sufficient, various women to release Dopamine. And they don't need to feel as much care to be able to orgasm.

Maybe part of the reason females don't feel comfortable with hookups is because of society's prominent tendency to disparage women for "hooking up" and choosing to enjoy themselves without the strings of commitment. Maybe women are being unfairly judged (relative to men) and criticized for wanting short-term flings that are satisfying. Maybe too many women experience feelings of guilt for expecting things out of men and are not confident in their own bodies and their own experience of carnal pleasure due to, at least in part, guilt/shame-intense socialization (including the teaching of abstinence only).

Maybe, instead of encouraging women to communicate clearly with their short-term partner prior to hookup about their wants, about their fears, their methods of safety during sex, their thoughts......they are urged to simply abstain from what could be eye-opening, wonderful, mutually satisfying sex.

This post is quite the opposite of empowering to women, and it's not empowering to men either. I hope to empower women to communicate about what they want and to empower men to listen. I hope education regarding safe practices for both sexes increases.

I agree with Lauren

All (women and men) should not use casual sex for eye-opening, wonderful, mutually satisfying sex. It's not going to happen...even for men - regardless men can feel regrets.

Get know someone, develop a relationship, walk in the park, then sex can be that - because it's not the 60 second dash for the guy to have an orgasm and be asleep.

Other than that, masturbation works every time. It feels my needs, and I reach a happy place every time if I so desire.

Casual sex is just lackluster - 99.9% of the time. Better to screw myself and feel better for it.

Not quit

There are many reasons for not having sex with people you don't know very well, from contracting diseases to emotional desolation.

Lack of sexual satisfaction isn't one of them.

Its simply discourteous to leave your partner hanging when you have a casual sexual encounter. Both partners know this. With rude men, women can get they want by the simple expedient of withholding what the men want until they are satisfied.

Some women seem to have a knack for picking up jerks and this behavior shows up before they get in bed. That they choose to ignore it is not a casual sex problem - its a problem with magical thinking. They are kissing frogs and expecting princes, then are disappointed that they remain frogs.

I find these posts by women

I find these posts by women amusing. Full disclosure - I am an American male, aged 30. The ease at which an American male can hook up with an American female is frankly absurd. College age women in 21st century America are easy. Extremely easy. They all need to "express themselves" or "feel empowered" and will agree to emotionless sex within 1 to 2 hours of meeting even an average male. Why should I, as an American male, even care about trying hard to satisfy an American woman? What's in it for me? The American "empowered" female will sleep with hundreds of men in her prime years and later, around age 30, realize she has been ridden hard and put away yet. At that point a high value male wants nothing to do with her. The fact that I am 30 years old and routinely sleeping with college aged females does little for the feminist movement... specifically, why should I put in extra effort when I can sleep with women in their prime every weekend with no repercussions? If this weekends woman doesn't get off, then maybe next weekend's will. And if she doesn't? Its disgustingly easy to pick up another "empowered" woman to ride the carousel. Feminism is the best thing to happen to single men.

Exactly, well put

For me as a male, its like masturbating with a warm body, why buy the whole cow if u can get the milk for free, interesting times indeed.

Why you should care...

Hi there Adam,

It appears you feel a need for women to inhibit themselves sexually so that you can feel more justified in caring for them. The care that you'd offer a woman, apparently, would be conditional, not centered around mutual respect.
It appears that you push almost all sexual responsibility over to women and see men as robotic creatures who automatically take sex anytime they can get it with ease. And this, you feel, is a bane to both men and women, whilst continuing your sex-seeking behavior. Do you really think yourself that robotic, at the absolute mercy of available female bodies? Do you really see yourself that powerless? You seem to view yourself as a victim of women's readiness to hook up, and you view these "easy" women patronizingly. What is truly empowering about this?

How about viewing all women in your life as human beings--or does that give you a bad feeling inside? How about viewing yourself as in control of your own sexuality, your own life? Realizing that a relationship or hook-up built around mutual respect and communication might just be satisfying? How about not trying to blame an entire group of people for the actions of a relative few?

I feel that most women aren't blatantly, consciously asking for lack of respect by being very "easy"--I feel that it can be a learned behavior, an ignorant behavior, a desperate means of gaining a temporary feeling of acceptance in a way that they know how. Others may be very well-aware of what they're doing, including the risks involved, and care very much about the type of person they want to hook-up with. These types of people might want to communicate openly with their partner and establish a bit of trust. They may be engaging in short-term sex for reasons that are beneficial to them.

I think that it's your choice, Adam. If you wish to continue going through life asking yourself why on earth you should care about a human being you made a decision to have sex with, that's your call. If you wish to view your sexual decisions and your romantic decisions as dependent upon those of others, that's up to you. If you want to forgo a relationship to have meaningless sex with people you obviously hold in disdain, that's your call, and if that's satisfying to you, then I hope you're at least verbally honest with the women you have sex with about your views of them and your views of women in general.

Low self-esteem and perpetuating ignorance

Adam, let me see if I've got this right: Your low sense of self worth drives you to sleep with women you don't care about because why? In your mind, the ability to ejaculate equals being a man? You are so intent upon making excuses as to why you shouldn't care about the women you sleep with that you don't even see how badly your comments reflect upon you; not as some jerk who doesn't care about women, but a hurting little boy who is so desperate for acceptance that he is willing to degrade himself by sticking his penis in any woman who offers to spread her legs. As for what's in it for you, try: pride, self respect, self control, dignity, maturity, the satisfaction that comes from caring about others... you know, the knowledge that you strive to be a person of worth.

Now, on to the article.

Hooking up is done for loads of reasons and yes, for the immature who have yet to discover a sense of self-worth, those reasons are often the wrong ones, and this is why their expectations are not met. Articles like this perpetuate the problem by making excuses as to why it's okay to expect and/or engage in selfish [bad] sex. It is one thing to explain the chemistry that leads to orgasm; it is another to use chemistry as an excuse to justify telling people that women have no right to expect equality in sex, whether casual or otherwise.

For the mature, self-respecting adult (male or female) "hooking up" is about the release and enjoyment of having satisfying sex without the complications and commitments that go with long-term relationships. Instead of telling women that they shouldn't expect satisfaction from a hook-up, perhaps the message here should be that sex for the wrong reasons leads to dissatisfaction, and if we want to achieve orgasm/satisfaction, we should always be honest as to our motivations. Unfortunately, as advanced as we might think we are as a species, when it comes to sex, we are still perpetuating ignorance.

Give Her 20 Extra Minutes of Your Time

As a man, I can tell you that it isn't going to kill any of you to give her about 20 extra minutes of your time to help her get there too. That is 1.39% of your day, by the way. There is mental satisfaction in seeing her have a good time. She will often invite you back again, and you might make a friend too.

For those of you trashing women who are sex positive, look in the mirror as you are most likely describing yourself. For your own assumptions to be true (they're not), you have to be the same kind of person you are projecting by participating.

My thoughts

I think the article is missing on key points. Yes there is a difference between casual and relationship sex.

One, being in a good relationship makes for happier people all together. I know that have a new relationship brings out an energy that makes sex phenomenal. I have experienced a few casual encounters that had that energy and it was amazing sex.

Two, long term relationships sex can become mundane, limited, or nonexistent. Over time sex with the same person loses its excitement. Doing the same old stuff is not satisfying to anyone. In order to make it satisfying exploration needs to be used.

Three, I see sexual experience as a key to sexual satisfaction. I am not saying experience with lots of partners. You can gain a lot of experience with one partner as long as you and your partner explore what you like and don’t like.

Casual sex and relationship sex are two different to say do one and not the other for satisfaction. Men need to learn to be more receptive to a women verbal and non verbal communications. Women need to communicate what they like and don’t like. Actually this goes both ways the better the communication the better the sex. I also don’t think sex should end because the man reaches orgasm. Even though I know that they feel spent and ready to quit afterwards they should stay in the game to completely satisfy the woman.

Post new comment

The content of this field is kept private and will not be shown publicly.
  • Web page addresses and e-mail addresses turn into links automatically.
  • Allowed HTML tags: <a> <em> <strong> <cite> <code> <ul> <ol> <li> <dl> <dt> <dd>
  • Lines and paragraphs break automatically.
  • You may quote other posts using [quote] tags.

More information about formatting options

Sharon K. Farber, Ph.D. is a Board Certified Diplomate in clinical social work, maintaining a private practice in psychotherapy in Hastings-on-Hudson, NY.

more...

Subscribe to The Mind-Body Connection

Current Issue

Dreams of Glory

Daydreaming: How the best ideas emerge from the ether.