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This post is written by guest blogger, Dr Ella Lasky. She serves with me as Co-Director of the Family and Couples Treatment Service at the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy. She consults at the NYU Post-Doctoral Program in the Advanced Specialization in Couple and Family Therapy track and edited Humanness: An Exploration into the Mythologies about Women and Men. In addition, she is the author of thirteen articles on clinical issues including therapists’ ambivalence about setting fees. Please enjoy.
grow your money
The holidays are over. In fact, the year 2014 is over, and this is an excellent time to reflect on your own financial behavior. Ask yourself questions such as: “How did I do with my money this year?” “Am I pleased with the way I spent and/or saved?” “Would I make the same decisions again?” “If not, what would I change and why?” “Did the spender in me overspend? And now that the bills are coming in, do I feel remorseful?” “Did the thrifty part of me, give gifts that were not generous? And do I feel badly about that?”
Whether you have a substantial or a modest income, you have choices in how you handle your money. These choices become especially obvious around the holiday season.
Did you make a holiday budget for yourself? Did you discuss the types of presents, price range of presents you would be exchanging, or even whether or not you would be exchanging presents this year with your family and friends? Did you give yourself any presents while buying for others, or did you deprive yourself?
Money is a difficult topic because most of us have not really thought about our attitudes and values about money in a logical way. We usually learn our money values from our parents by observing their behavior. Many of us do the same or the opposite of what our parents did. If you grew up in a home where holiday presents were extravagant and your parents went into debt to pay for them, understandably, this is what you think of as normal and natural. Or if you grew up in a home where holiday presents were small, then, again understandably, this is what you think is normal and natural. As an adult, it is an appropriate time to take off your emotional blinders and decide what your own money values are.
If you were very lucky, your parents spoke with you about why they spent money on this rather than on that. If you were not so lucky, you observed what your parents did and experienced their comfort and discomfort levels concerning each financial category. If you were unaware of the basis for their spending choices, chances are you developed patterns that reflect this lack of awareness. It is hard to be logical about how you handle money when your decisions about spending are unconscious! The conclusions you came to may be the same or different from the ones your siblings came to.
We inherit our parents' and grandparents' life experiences, fears, and aspirations about money. If your parents lost a good deal of money or lost their jobs during the recession of 2008, whether or not they discuss the event, the consequences affected you and your family's life on multiple levels.
When you become a couple, your undefined feelings about money may fit in some ways and not fit in other ways with your partner’s undefined feelings about money. Therefore, the potential for conflict is extremely high. For couples, discussing money may be very complex since there are two sets of opinions and experiences coming together. It's easy to argue about how money is spent, but it is harder to look deeper and determine where the sentiments around money come from and what each financial issue means to each of you.
Money may also represent love, power, success, control over others, self-control, self-esteem, security, freedom and more. It is important to understand what feelings lie underneath your attitudes about money. Sometimes we do not even have the language or the concepts with which to get in touch with these feelings. Again, we often do not understand our partner’s attitude about money and our partner may not understand ours either.
For example, the greater-earning partner in a couple may feel on the conscious level that both partners are equal and that they should make decisions together. Yet there may be a second feeling, possibly outside awareness, that s/he should have more control over the financial decisions than the partner who earns less. In another scenario one partner, the saver, reacts when the spender seems to enjoy being extravagant or violates a spoken (or unspoken) upper limit on spending. Other times, the spender feels that the saver is being controlling and spoiling the fun of giving in the holiday season. Do these scenarios sound familiar?
Suggestion: Keep a journal concerning you spending decisions. This will help you become more aware of the conditions that lead to overspending or under-spending.
What conflicts do you have within yourself about money?
What experiences have you had dealing with money in relationships? I'd be happy to answer your questions and respond to your comments.
For my readers who are therapists and would like to explore these issues further, I am offering a three session workshop beginning January 17, 2015 “Money Talks: Helping Your Patients Talk about Money Issues”. You will learn several tools to help you discuss this ‘taboo’ issue with your patients and you will become more comfortable with the topic. Go to www.EllaLaskyPhD.com for more details.
I am also offering a workshop in April 2015 entitled “Talking about Money with Your Honey.” The goal of this workshop is to give couples a chance to improve their long standing dynamics regarding money. Come by yourself or with your partner! We will focus on the typical issues that many couples face and learn some tried and true techniques for resolving them. To register or find out additional information email me at EllaLaskyPhD@gmail.com
