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Have you ever had the experience of feeling you were absolutely right about something and then realized that you were mistaken about that very thing of which you were so sure?
There's a loss of innocence involved there that pushes you along. And it's a push we all need. Going from innocence to experience, while along the way, wisdom becomes attainable. In order to make our intimate relationships work, we need some of this wisdom.
Being wrong is disconcerting. It is one of the few, and therefore precious routes, that lead us to putting our capacity for humility on line. And humility is a precondition for empathy. Learning from mistakes is not simply about the acquisition of new and better understandings, it also pays off in hard-won knowledge about the self. Lack of this knowledge is not always a character flaw. It is often a sign of underdevelopment; evidence that the self is a stranger to key aspects of its nature.
Perhaps precocious, at the age of six, I lost the naïve self-assurance that if I were sure I was right, I couldn't be wrong. Here's how: Jay was a good friend of mine and had, as good friends sometimes do, lent me ten cents so that I could buy a Good Humor toasted almond bar. Jay stood beside me, slurping on his own frosty treasure.
Yummy!!
The next day, clear and sunny, we played punch ball on the blacktop basketball court until, drenched with sweat, we called a time out for water.
Jay stood behind me on the zig-zag drink line and poked me on the shoulder to ask for his money.
"I paid you back before," I said. I thought he was trying to get repaid twice.
"You're crazy. You owe me," he whined.
"I gave it to you when I first saw you in the park," I said, hoping to jog his hopeless slug of a memory system into belated recollection.
When it was my turn to drink from the fountain, I stepped up on the cement cube to jam down the button and release the cool stream. I slid my other hand into my pocket and closed my eyes in preparation for a swallow. Nestled in the depth of my dungaree pocket I felt that dime - the only one I had to my name -- still in my possession.
Cool drink on a hot day
I hadn't tried to deceive Jay when I said I'd paid. As soon as I saw him I had fingered the piece, like a pirate's doubloon, making ready to pony up. But I'd gone from pawing that small coin to spotting a rubber ball high above me and had dashed off to catch it.
In the meantime, the parts of my brain -- the anterior cingulate coupled with the prefrontal cortex were probably in cahoots on this -- facilitated my crossing the ten-cent transaction off my to-do list. That's how I ended up feeling I had taken care of Jay when I hadn't.
It is not the error itself but the self-righteousness with which I held the error to be his - that's what I'm emphasizing here.
Making a mistake about making a mistake and then being self-righteous about it is matrix for disconnection.
For ten cents plain
Let's say your partner greets you in a low-key manner in front of the restaurant as planned. You expect a warm hug and big smile and receive neither. If you interpret their behavior as unfriendly and rejecting you could be making a mistake. If you insist on interpreting it that way, you would be compounding the mistake with self-righteousness.
In this situation your partner -- exhausted and somewhat deflated, neither having to do with you -- is glad to see you but experiencing their connection to themselves to be low-key. They look forward to becoming re-energized by the meal and your company. Unless you are able to be consider your interpretation - that their low-key greeting is evidence of lack of enthusiasm for you - with some flexibility you may be headed for a battle that, with wisdom, you'd not choose.
For some couples this becomes a set-up for a showdown. The disappointed partner accuses the other of selfishness and self-centeredness. And the skids are greased should the exhausted partner counterattack. If both parties avoid taking a self-righteous stance, this meeting registers as an understandable misunderstanding. Rather than as an indication of incompatibility-which is how such anger, often escalating out of proportion, can become viewed.
The solution to this problem-situation lies in targeting your need-as-a-couple to feel more securely connected rather than by finding ways to separately affix blame for the temporary rupture in the attachment.
Loving Attachment
How couples respond to moments of conflict can create the difference between whether they live with a chronic mood of disappointment or one that fosters healing, forgiveness and togetherness.
By the way, when I stepped away from the water fountain I tossed Jay his dime. He smiled and we raced back to the black top for another round of punch ball. Believe it or not, we are still friends today. I recently attended his daughter's wedding.
Remember: love and good feelings are plentiful yet elusive; I'll be around to help you locate and develop them in the Middle Ground.
