Being There In the New Year

Myth: I need my partner to be there for me when times are hard. When things are going well, it's less important.

Research Finding: Partners that are able to support each other when times are good stand the best chance of working out a satisfying long term partnership.

Joyful Couple

What is the crux of togetherness? Does the phrase being there for each other capture its essence for you? It does for many. But what exactly is the there there? And where and when is this being there needed? Or needed most?

Many of the partners I work with tell me that when they feel down and troubled and need a helping hand, when nothin' seems to be goin' right - as in the lyric from the Carole King song -- that's when a partner's support and presence is most appreciated. Is this the foundation of emotional safety/security/intimacy? During these moments, the "down" times, the mettle of a bond is best tested - or so many of us feel. However, there is another measure of being there that can be more crucial. How does your partner respond when things are going well If your partner lacks verve in sharing your victories and satisfactions the flame of connection, despite kindness shared when you're blue, likely sputters and dims.

In a study -- conducted by Dr. Shelly Bable, a psychologist at the University of California, Los Angeles; Drs. Gian Gonzaga, and Amy Strachman, relationship researchers both formerly at U.C.L.A. -- 79 couples who had dated for a minimum of six months were filmed interacting as they discussed positive events that happened to one or the other. The researchers had members of the each pair rate how satisfied they were in their relationship. The battery of questions at the start of the study was repeated after a two-month interval. The researchers found that a partner's reaction to their loved one's triumphs, large and small, was the most reliable predictor of the strength of their relationship. Four couples that had broken up after the two month interval were consistent in this finding: the women in these pairs rated their partners' typical response to good news as exceptionally dull, bland, unexciting.

Alan Schore, M.D., prominent expert on the neurobiological bases of psychological development - particularly in regard to attachment issues -- points out that in the healthy infant-mother relationship, matrix for intimate relating, mother's role as minimizer of infant's negative state is important but equally important is her role in maximizing positive states.

Couple Shares Joy

THE TAKE-AWAY: Partners need each other to help them to amplify and regulate their positive experiences. Emotional safety in a relationship is not solely or primarily about being able to work through problems and conduct difficult conversations. It is also, importantly, about savoring joy, hope, dreams and accomplishment.

Partners need each other to create and partake in their relationship as a safe haven, amiddle ground, in which each can experience a respite from the pressures anxieties and threats experienced in everyday living. But this haven must do MORE than serve as a barrier against the negative. It must promote and sustain feelings of joy and pride.
Point of Special Interest: Schore points out that the opposite of the capacity to experience joy is NOT sadness. It is shame. The core of the intimate relationship's health lies in it being a respite from feeling judged, humiliated, shamed. Fending off the negative is of great worth. But the other side of being there between partners -- savoring and amplifying exuberant feelings -- is commonly underrated, underappreciated, overlooked in discussions of what makes for and sustains dynamic intimacy.

FOOD FOR THOUGHT: Cultivate curiosity about ways in which your partner feels he or she needs your support in moving forward. Do you understand the ways in which he or she views their goals and challenges within themselves? Do they cling to their hopes and dreams despairingly? Boldly? Defensively? Angrily? How easy or difficult is it for your partner to make themselves vulnerable to you? Does discussion of their hopes and dreams flow easily or haltingly?

THE TO-DO: Praise your partner for any efforts and/or achievements you can identify as part of their pursuit of developing an aspect of themselves and/or your relationship. Speak with them about their hopes and dreams so that you are aware how these evolve. Demonstrate consistent curiosity and openness.

I welcome your comments, questions, suggestions. Remember, love and good feelings are plentiful yet elusive; I'll be around to help you locate and develop them in the Middle Ground.