The Triggering Effect Part 3: Resentments

Resentments are like burrs in a saddle blanket; if you do not get rid of them, they fester into an infection. Resentments are often built on assumptions, i.e. "When you don't look at me I assume you think you are better than me." "When you don't include me in a social gathering, I am assuming you think I am not good enough to be with you and your friends." They are also built on entitlement, which is a form of unrealistic expectations and impatience.

I have been in recovery six weeks now. I resent the fact that my wife still doesn't trust me.
Now that I am clean and sober, my boss should give me that promotion I deserve.

The attitude in both examples is not just that you should be rewarded for doing well, but that you should be rewarded for the sacrifices made. After all, you have given up your alcohol, your drugs, and/or the addictive behavior and therefore deserve to be rewarded. The problem here is that you are still more connected to the loss than to the gifts of sobriety.

Unrealistic expectations + impatience = resentments.

Move from resentments. When assuming, check it out. Put yourself in someone else's shoes (it may allow expectations to be more realistic). Identify and own the feelings the resentment is covering (often it's a cover for feelings of inadequacy and/or fear). Be willing to live and live.

Some questions to consider are:

• What does it mean for you to hang onto resentments?
• What would it mean to accept that you have been hurt or wronged, and that you can no longer change that?
• What does it mean to take responsibility for your own feelings?
• Ultimately, who pays the price for hanging onto resentments?
• Today are you willing to let go of resentments?

Look for the next part on The Triggering Effect which will focus on feelings.
In the meantime you have options:

1. Practice staying in the present; don't sit in the past or project into the future.
2. Validate the gifts of recovery for the day - practice gratitude daily.
3. Identify, build and use a support system - you need to stay connected. History and experience have proven time and time again that recovery is not a solitary process and cannot be sustained in isolation.
4. Trust your Higher Power is on your side.