For the Love of Wisdom

Being nice doesn't exclude using common sense! The lady could have just said "excuse me" and walked away.

Oh, yes, she should have, but I think she had internalized the instruction "be nice" or "a good person is nice" to such an extent that she would have felt bad about being so "mean." That is why I want us to question whether we have given someone meaningful advice if we just recommend "niceness." We don't exactly mean: be nice to everyone. But since we don't mean that, we should be clear. (Anyway, that was my thought, I'm open to correction.)

One correction might be that most people aren't even close to nice, so these worries apply to only a very small subset of people.

It is drummed into the heads of little girls to be nice at all times. Parents will tell their female children over and over again to "be nice". Little boys are told to be nice much less often.

"Be nice" is code for be submissive, be quiet and be compliant. Or at the cult down in Texas says, "Be Sweet".

Parents want girls to behave nice because they believe that niceness, sweetness and compliance are traits that are heralded in women. The parents might feel that niceness will set up their daughters when it comes to dating quality suitors, men have more of an affinity for compliant women than verbally expressive women.

However, abusers like niceness. Abusers understand their best target are nice people, compliant people, people that won't put up a fuss. Abusers can rage against and physically harm someone who won't strike back or verbally challenge them. The airport abuser knew that young women are the demographic most likely not to put up a fight or contact security when he chose his victim. The airport abuser made the right choice in this young lady, he managed to make her feel small, terrify her all the while she compliantly tolerated his abuse. The interaction was so convincing that the people nearby weren't concerned.

Perhaps she won't be so easily addled next time, but by then a whole new army of nice young women will be inhabiting the next airport. The abuser will have his choice.

I have a "nice" problem. I'm sure if I were the girl in the airport, I would have been waffling about making a scene vs. nicely trying to put him off because I'd be afraid I was misreading his intentions . . . maybe he was innocent and just eccentric or just mentally ill? Of course, if it was my daughter, I'd say, "who cares?" take care of yourself and get the heck out of there!!! But I was raised to put others first and not make a scene, and in that situation, there's a strong fear of social humiliation (vs. impending danger of crazy person) by making the wrong call.

Nice is not a virtue. "Nice" is a set of purely superficial behaviors used to convince others that the person displaying the "nice" behaviors is a good person.

Being nice is something that is easily faked and a high degree of empathetic accuracy is required to determine the difference between superficial behaviors to genuine manifestations of kindness.

During the empathy craze that we're currently living it. Espousing empathy/niceness is a form of peacocking, a way people attempt to display to others that they are what is considered a "good" person.

Unfortunately, If empathy was as widespread as it's supposed practitioners would have us believe these type of situations would not occur because another person feelings, intentions, and motives are accurately assessed. Low empathy and low empathetic accuracy leads to the situation you are describing, Irrational fear, Superficial niceness, feigned concern, etc.

Is niceness a virtue? No, it's a set of superficial behaviors.
Kindness, Courage, Honesty those are virtues, and unlike niceness they can not be faked.

It's not typical behavior displayed by the particular lady in the airport. We who are taught 'niceness' are also taught "defending or responding correctly when in danger". The lady allowed the man to intimidate her, it's a psychological problem. Probably the same reason my friend allowed her boyfriend to slap her more than once. Do these type of women like the thrill in their lives? The fascination of a domineering, dangerous man. Hence, be nice to him? Then the attention of people around her, they sympathy for being a woman. Ask women like these if they would like if their young ones are endangered. No, you would see a 'tigress' emerging. Not, that they value their children lives more than their own. No, in my mind, these women don't want a boring man, they want an exciting kind, in a negative light even. Are, they to be blamed? Probably, not entirely, but if they can identify their behaviors then they can take necessary action to overcome this and stop being willing victims.

I have a slightly different take on this.

Nice isn't all sunshine and roses. In my op, it’s actually a strong and probably deep rooted self-preservation instinct. We are not islands; we are dependent on each other and must navigate complex social systems. Often it does not serve us well to react in a manner that alienates, threatens or provokes others.

When I am confronted by a threat, the first thing I want to do is disarm it. In this woman's case, I have a number of options: I can yell for help (or threaten to), I can walk away (or try), I can become aggressive (how big is he?) or I can attempt to be 'nice' (put a lid on my fear) and calmly respond to a scary man. In fact, her choice was very successful. She was unharmed, he left and the situation NEVER escalated.

She made a calculated decision to avoid options that in her view had a higher potential for unknown and potentially harmful consequences. This, to me, is a smart woman, not a victim. Was she scared? I bet she was, but she handled it well and should be proud of herself.
R.

What I wrote seems very wrong now. I guess that I am blinded by personal issues. Like I wished my mom was a strong-willed person when it comes defending herself. It wasn't even in context of what was written, i.e random encounters and not personal relationship.

On the basis of random encounters, it's perhaps too shocking to assume that a complete stranger would act so callously. As, women we expect better courtesy from male-counterparts. Hence, we do not react appropriately to defend ourselves. But, we should definitely learn to, don't give the lunatics in society a chance to use 'niceness' to their advantage. In fact, ignore him or politely yet firmly request that he asks nicely for what he would like, afterall, she isn't his servant (nor should any treat a servant that way!). It's a different situation with a stranger. Even if it was a woman, the shock of it all, would delay a proper response immediately, but after several similar encounters, a determined reaction would become appropriate.