The Legacy of Distorted Love

Recognizing, understanding and overcoming the debilitating impact of maternal narcissism

The Six Faces of Maternal Narcissism

The disorder of narcissistic parenting creates significant emotional damage to children. If not understood, children raised by narcissistic parents grow up in a state of denial, thinking it is their fault and they are simply not good enough. Read More

Narcissistic parent

Mine is the psychomatic, secretly mean, and emotionally needy NM combo.

@ annonymous: So is mine

@ annonymous: So is mine uugghh. She usually ends a conversation by feigning illness, then gets my father to call and say that she has to go to the hospital. That is the guilt cycle she enjoys. It doesn't bother me anymore I told her to have a heart attack already cause the suspense is killing me!I just do not like being silenced with such nonsense. I hate her.

Narcissistic mother - born that way!

MY mother was narcissistic ( the flamboyant but needy type) and extremely destructive. She singled out my brother and father for her verbal abuse but left us girls alone. She hated men! My grandparents were good people but Mum was always difficult, from a young child. I would need a lot more than this to be convinced that my grandparents "made her that way!" There was never enough love or kindness for my mother - it was like living with a Black Hole! As far as I am concerned my mother was born that way and was the same for the next 82 years!

For that matter, there is a narcissist among my own children and I know there were signs from day one!

Where are the blogs about narcissistic children??? Why do we always blame the parents?

Are Narcissists born that way?

Althea,
I agree with you I think sometime narcs are born not made. My mother's mother was a lovely kind woman. My mother was not ill treated, in fact she talks of her childhood with fondness, she has never mentioned any type of abuse.

I also think one of my children was born that way.
I suppose parents are usually blamed because so often they are the problem, but its not always the case.

born that way?

sometimes people with really nice families can go wrong...maybe there's a gene, but who knows. I remember this girl i knew growing up who was a mean,psychotic bully. She was really abusive,hateful and sadistic but her mother was nice and so was her older sister. I realized in later years there was no doubt, she had some kind of personality disorder. Turns out she's bipolar.

Are Narcissists born that way?

Althea,
I agree with you I think sometime narcs are born not made. My mother's mother was a lovely kind woman. My mother was not ill treated, in fact she talks of her childhood with fondness, she has never mentioned any type of abuse.

I also think one of my children was born that way.
I suppose parents are usually blamed because so often they are the problem, but its not always the case.

N-mom

Though my mother certainly didn't have the best parenting in her own childhood, I believe her issue is also genetic. She has no sense of smell and that trait is linked to sociopathy.

That said, she's probably at the mild end of the N spectrum, but still has managed to create quite a bit of havoc in our lives.

She is addicted to money and thoughts of money - her first question about my freelance work is always about how much I made on a job, never about the job itself. She's addicted to shopping and shopping networks, and also watches game shows compulsively. Don't get between her and any shopping trips - she let my son borrow her car yesterday and when he was an hour late in returning, she went ballistic because she was late for her shopping excursion. She doesn't support education, especially if you gain degrees but don't make much money and her family has always made fun of education. They incessantly teased my father as he worked hard to earn his BA and MA while working fulltime in a factory. They made quite a bit of money as unionized factory workers and in real estate investments, so had a lot of scorn for college-educated folks.

It's difficult to deal with my own anger simply because she is more at the mild end of the spectrum and hasn't done everything wrong, but is becoming more dangerous with the onset of mild dementia and since the passing of my HIV+ brother, who played the golden child but also refused to some degree to serve as a flying monkey. He could reason with her and she would listen to some degree. But now she's recruited my surviving "lost child" brother as her hero and flying monkey, and they've succeeded in doing quite a bit of damange together since the other brother's death. My father was bipolar and tended to both be wary of her, but was ignorant of her abuse of me and tended to support her. He handed his paychecks over to her and she controlled the pursestrings - no surprise with her perpetual obsession with money. The first thing she does every morning is get online and look at her bank accounts.

As the perpetual scapegoat, I've been in hot water for a lifetime for telling the truth about family dynamics. I miss the Golden Child for standing up for me. She's gone to counseling but has fooled her counselor and has recruited him as a flying monkey and uses her counseling hours to complain about anyone who doesn't agree with her, and together, she and the counselor have succeeded in accusing me of elder abuse, complete with a visit from social services, and the situation is far from the truth. As her victim, I've been the focus of a lifetime of abuse and she's simply projecting her shizazz onto me. She claims that I'm jealous of her and my brothers and yet the truth is likely reversed. I don't think she and her flying monkey could heap so much disdain on me if they weren't jealous of me.

The only good thing about it is that I'm a creative survivor and I will get through this. I can only hope that there are no other NPD moms in current and future generations. It's not an affliction that I'd wish on anyone. I hate to wish for the end of her lifetime, but at 84, it's about time this situation comes to a close. I will not miss her!

jealous

I don't think you mother sounds 'mild' she has managed to wreak havoc in your life. Many Ns are covert, secretly nasty, my NM was.
My sister the 'golden child' claims I am jealous of her I am not, never have been. She is the aggressor, spiteful, manipulating greedy, self righteous, loud, a powerful personality, and very jealous. If shes not jealous of me why doesn't she just leave me alone?
You are a survivor, I'm glad. The best revenge is to live well.
My NM has recently died at 92. I do not miss her, how can I miss a mother I never had.

mothers

This article is why I dont like ""mothers day""

Most mothers do the best they can with what they have.
So easy for adult children who don't have adult children..to find fault.
Give mothers a break. There is NO HAND BOOK.

You are right most mothers do

You are right most mothers do the best they can, most mothers love their children unconditionally.

We are not talking about 'most' mothers here, we are talking about a minority of personality disordered individuals who cannot feel empathy therefore make appalling parents.
It is not up to a child, or abused adult to 'give the abuser a break' why should they, a narcissistic parent gives their unfortunate child no breaks, ever.

Its not about finding fault, its about coming to terms with the facts, healing as best you can from the hurt Mommie Dearest has inflicted.

Thank you...."doing the best

Thank you...."doing the best I can" " doing the best they could" is no excuse. Ask any child that had been held hostage by a mother like this. They are not capable of parenting children. The child ends up becoming the parent to these people

no and there's no handbook

no and there's no handbook for us battered and emotionally neglected children of these parents either. i was locked in the shed, pushed down the stairs, hit with bamboo canes and broom shanks and burned with matches and an iron. Made to stand outside in the rain. And during the summer made to go to bed at 6.30 with the window open so that I could hear all my friends still playing outside. All done to isolate me from anyone that might have cared.
I knew suicidal feelings by the time I was six. My dad used to get me up for school at 6.am. he had to leave for work at 6.30. I was four going on five. Several times I left for school at 7.30 because I couldn't quite tell the time. There were two busy roads to cross, no traffic patrol. Many times I went to school to find it closed because it was a school holiday but my mother never bothered reading or taking an interest in anything I bought home from school. Then I would have to walk home again and sit and wait for her to get up and out of bed. Usually well after midday. Then I'd get a slap for being in her way. When my sister was born, when I was five, she told me I could go. 'You can go now I've got my baby' And that was how it was for ever after. The scape goat and the golden child. Things I've only just learned about after breaking free of my abuser.
Why do people who have nothing to do with narcissists even comment on posts? They bring nothing to the discussion. All they do is heap on more guilt and judgement. I spent years with a mother 'doing her best'. I now have depression, anxiety, agorophobia, and a plethora of other mental health problems. I spent years wanting her to love me. Now I know she never did and never will, now that I've broken free, no-one who hasn't walked in my shoes has any right at all to dismiss what I lived through by dismissing her abuse as 'doing her best'

No and there's no handbook

Your story made me cry. I wish I was there to protect you from those beasts.I feel every bit of your pain and wish I could take it away from you.
I'm a mental mess too. I'm 15 yr old in a 58 yr old body. Funny thing is I look really young and vulnerable, not the mature adult I should look like.

It seemed like if my mother was narcissistic...

This was a painful reading... I also read the next blog titled "Every child deserves one person who’s irrationally crazy about them!" I cried for a good while remembering my mother. She physically abused my brothers and I when we were children. Then, she fell sick, and had us and my father tied to her side making us feel guilty if we didn't comply to her every need. She never once told me that she loved me. One of my brothers confided me that she told him he was her favourite, and he's spent years trying to figure out what she meant.

Unfortunately she died when I was 16, my brothers were 15 and 11... I'm 49 now, and her presence still lingers in my memory. She's still biting me inside after so many years. She made me feel like an ugly little girl all my life, and I never told anyone how much she hurted me both physically and emotionally when I was growing up. When she died, I felt relieved and I found myself somewhat liberated.

I'm a mother now, but before I had my children I waited a long time and wonder if I was going to be able to raise them. I had vowed never to be like my mother, but I'm still afraid of becoming her. I don't want my children to be afraid of me, I want them to know that they are the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I hesitate at every step of the way.

I hope I can stop the curse here...

Could we relate this article to fathers?

I can only find low level similarities in these comments to my mother, however when I read the descriptions again but with my father in mind I think that all of the traits described, right down to the addicted narcissistic personality, are true of his behaviour to a very high degree. It has left my brother and I feeling inadequate on every level for such a long time, with my brother now behaving very similarly when sober, but going off the scale when succumbing to his alcohol or drug addictions. Apart from the 'Addicted' personality, the 'Psychosomatic' one was so true to my experiences of both my father and my brother. Life's inevitable hardships whether physical, emotional or material are always ten times worse when experienced by them, and the rest of us are neglected because we are simply just not regarded by them as people who may also have any needs at all!

She doesnt Love Me

I am so glad I have found information on a mother who is narcissistic! I am 52 and I am an over acheiver. I have been blessed to be married to my childhood sweetheart and we have three sons. I graduated from high school at 16 to leave the grips of my "secretly mean" narcissistic mother. I am an African American and our culture sheds a great value on the love of a mother. The mother is revered and it is a damantion sin to feel anything but pure unadulturated love for your mother. So it was especially difficult to be under the rule of a mother who the entire community felt was a model mother, school teacher and church person. Especially since I live in a small town where everyone knows you. My mother is not only mean she can be vicious. She targeted my sister and I too cruelty beyond imagination including beatings. However her cruelty was far worst in the verbal form. I was called sluts and whores before I reached the age of seven and so was my sister. She treated my father (who was a humble man) like a dog. Constantly telling him he was less than a man. And totally controlling every dime he received from his veterans benefits. She did not allow us the ability to make any decisions even as simple as what type of shoes we wanted. Her daily declaration was "you are not shit and you never will be shit". I can never remember getting a kind word from her as a child. My sister was the easiest target due to her always seeking acceptance of my mothers love. Unfotunately my sister life was so affected by her lack of love that she made bad choices and married two men who ultimately phsyically and mentally abused her. She is now diagnosed as as Bi Polar. She has tried to commit suicide on over three occassions. And has been hosptialized over 20 times however she still choses to live with my mother and continue to seek her love. My mother control and meaness included so many incidents of lack of love that they are too many to list. However, if you are on this post I am sure you understand my life.
I have had a lifetime of working on "what is wrong with my childhood". I had years of my husband and friend saying your mother loves you she is just set in her ways. No one would address the fact that no "your mother is incapable of loving you" She has a severe Personality Disorder. Your information has helped me sooo much. I always knew she did not love me but I always tried to figure out why? I knew she was not the typical crazy because she could fool so many people into believing she was a good person. She is now 82 and her health is failing. I am having a hard time accepting the fact that I must (it's my religious conviction) be prepared to take care of a woman who never has and never will love me. I also fear the day that she dies (if she passes before me). I dont want to drop ONE TEAR for a person who never gave me one day of love. However I am conflicted because deep down I still love her ( she is my mother).
I am mentally trying to prepare my self to take care of a person who I feel not only doesnt love me but who most likely hates me. I hope to find solace and comfort and your information on this subject is very helpful. Thank you for addressing the "silent sin" of being a child who mother does not love me.

I had period of years where I did not speak to her.

You wrote 'I dont want to

You wrote 'I dont want to drop ONE TEAR for a person who never gave me one day of love'...
Maybe this can help.
At my Nmother's funeral I was sad I did shed a tear-a very cleansing tear. I honestly cried for my mother and the waste of a human life, in general.
I tapped into normal compassion without condoning the way she lived her life. I let myself feel that no matter if she was so hurt as a child that she did not know how to deal with life any differently or she just selfishly chose herself over the happiness of her children everytime- what was done was done and she wasted her time on the earth by not truly connecting to love, feelings, friends, family, her own children and just life in general and that is a loss. One that made me cry.

that's the same story with my

that's the same story with my mother, she had a horrible childhood but instead of being compassionate, she decided that no one had suffered as much as she had. And as it turned out, I had a tough time at school and no matter what was going on my life, her response was always that her life was worse. Her entire life has been about getting pity and sympathy by manipulation and 'illnesses' and since my father died, she's gotten worse. The thing is that when I DO show sympathy, it's not enough or it's not the right way. Not once was she ever there for me when I needed her, but she wanted me to be there to hold HER hand and tell her how sorry I was for her, 24/7 and when I couldn't do that, she belittled me. It's just very sad, that she's a warped, toxic and destructive person and it's like I have to mourn her as if she's dead. I often joke that if it wasn't for tv sitcoms, I'd never have known what a mother is supposed to do.

OMG! I can see myself in this post..

I am a 31 year old African-American woman who is the youngest of 5 siblings and the child of a cold hearted, unloving Narcissistic Mother. The empowering thing is that I just found out this week that "THIS" has a name. I just always thought I had problems and that I was too sensitive and that I wasn't strong enough and that I couldn't control my emotions. But I never understood where all this self hurt and pain came from

She never told me she loved me, she did cry for me when I attempted to take my own life when I was 16 and ended up at the hospital b/c of over dosing on pills. She cried an grabbed my hand. I was shocked!! No hugs, no kisses, no I'm proud of you. Just a STRONG BLACK INDEPENDENT WOMAN...that's what she said she was.

I am a person who tries very hard. I am a perfectionist who never seems to really be satisfied with what I do. When i mess up the world is about to end. I have terrible times in relationships usually, ending up in some crazy situation that I try to run away from. She has never tried to really get to know me or understand me. This year alone she told me I was rotten and alway rotten. She told me before that I was a lost cause when I rebelled against her wishes.

It hurt! BUT the good thing is that I have some knowledge now about this illness. I want to be away from her and my father. My father has been "castrated" basically. She treats him like a pure dog and doesn't even sleep in the same bed as him. She controls all the finances and belittles him. He acts more like a woman than a man but he still loves her and enables her and accepts her behavior. He doesn't take up for me ever and will even throw me under the bus just to get on her "good" side. But she still dispises him and men for that matter.

She has tried to sabatoge my relationships. Finally I'm in a long term relationship with a person who isn't afraid of her. He helps me so much to see my worth and lets me know exactly how crazy she is. I was in denial but he saw it from day one. I feel that I am on my way to freedom from this curse that has effected every aspect of my life. I have social anxiety and have had many many bouts with depression. I have signs of Borderline Personality Disorder but I haven't been diagnosed. I pray and I stive not to be like her. But I go into rages and sadness when certain things are tapped into.

I have 2 kids and she will use my oldest son against me.

I have cried silent tears for 31 years. Invisible, no opinion, trying to find myself and be somebody when I always felt unworthy. But today is a new day!! I will win!

I got it

So my mom, and dad, too, same way. I have no relationship with my mother and have healed with my dad although, I must always kee into perspective at times and know his behaviors are not mine. I would like to put all these lousy mothers in a room together and lock the damn door!

I'm 54 and finally accept it and am ok that, you do not have to love or have a relationship with a parent that is ill and abused you. I love the idea of, and mourn the loss of a mother. Sadly I have difficulty developing relationships with other women because of my anxieties.

The difficult part at this stage now is trying to explain to others that not all mothers are loving and wonderful. Unless you are an animal, your brain is not wired with loving maternal instincts.

Would love to hear back from some of you.

michdale44@yahoo.com

I so relate!

I read your post and felt your pain! I am 48 years old, grew up in a small town with a N mother who was a "respected" school teacher and I was pinned as the rebellious child by my community, because no one knew what went on behind closed doors and out of sheer desperation I acted out. I tried to explain her behavior and no one believed me! She had an affair with a student 2 years older than me and no one believed it! She used to make me and my sisters lie about her where abouts or her behavior, while telling us how we ruined her life amoung all the other multitudes of ugly things she says! I have not allowed her in my life for 15 years though she never stops trying! She has had at least 10 "serious" medical incidents in the last 5 years and uses them to try and gain control of me again. I quit believing they were real when i was 10! I too struggle with what to do when she needs care, and though it is a religious conviction for me as well, I have decided I can't go back to living in hell with her, I believe God understands and will forgive me for not going there again!! At least it is a chance I am willing to take rather than putting all the healing I have done over the years at risk!

not a tear.

it it helps at all, remember that the day you are freed from her and her mistreatmen, she will be freed from whatever it is that is driving her. Surely, there is nothing to feel guilty in rejoicing in her being released from that? All else is out of our ken.
The greatest sin is that of being a mother who cannot see the divine in her child and pay it the respect that is deserved. Take care, now.

Narcissisic

My mother was a ignoring, malignant, secret Narcissist.
I do disagree when you state people are not born like this. That is not proven.
People can born for instance without out a finger, the brain is just another organ maybe for some Ns a vital part of the brain, a pathway is missing, the part that contains conscience, empathy.
My mother had a kind generous mother, (although I think her father was N)

I never felt my mother was particularly insecure either, just tough, unfeeling and cold as ice. She she is 87 now still tough and seems to be remarkably happy, especially when in the company of golden child, my middle sister.

Narcissist can be long lived, young looking protected from the ravages of time, as they live in their own little world. I think the lack of empathy is helpful they've only got one person to be worried about, themselves.
They cause terrible damage to others, but I think often remain relatively unscathed themselves (unfortunately)

I think I am right in saying Ns rarely commit suicide they are far 'too important'.

On the other hand I do agree that a disturbed childhood is the most likely cause. As shown in the Romain orphanages were babies are neglected and unless rescued very early, are never normal and are seriously disturbed even if treated with the utmost love and care later on.

I have read that Ns suffer and are not happy, but most of the Ns I know do seem happy and confident.

My ex husband had NPD he was very insecure, prone to regular N rages pleasant enough to outsiders but vile to his own family on the rare occasion when he bothered to acknowledge them at all. He was a fragile N.

I think N is genetic for some, but not for most.

My N Mother

It's like I don't want to stop typing because it's so much in me and so many memories being dredged up. Her father was killed at a young age and her mother was probably a N also. Her mother had a ton of kids and my N Mother was the oldest and made to take care of her brothers and sisters. She had a younger brother who was killed also. My grandmother (her mom) never showed that she loved me so I'm pretty sure she did the same to my mom. I didn't like going to her house. She would laugh at me when I talked mocking me with a grin saying I talked "white".

My mother lost 2 daughters, one 33 in 2002 and my other sister 43 in 2009 (heart problems). She didn't grieve for them really. The 33 year old hated my mom and went to her grave feeling worthless with low self esteem (I totally understood her). My other sister 43 was the "golden child" and was my moms "best friend". She made that known all the time and I secretly was a little jealous of their relationship.

My brother left home at 18 and got married 1,2,3 times and has multiple kids with different women but he's doing well now with his family. But he doesn't come around a lot even though he lives 15 minutes away.

My other sister 2.5 years older than me, who is now the "golden child" got married at 19-20 just to leave the house. When we were kids she was actually the "bad" one and I was the "good" one. My mom made that apparent and my sister hated my guts and tortured me when we were home alone. Now the roles have reversed.

I, the youngest stayed and suffered. Had terrible relationships, dabbled in drugs and alcohol and risky behavior and I'm basically the black sheep. Though I have turned my life around, I work a great job and I take care of my kids...it's still not good enough and I am frowned at when I try to do anything fun, like going out or going away for the weekend or on vacation with my boyfriend (she hates him by the way and tried to ruin our relationship). He is not afriad of her so she had to try to get rid of him because he was here to help me. She told me "he's not going to save you".

EVIL Hateful woman!

She is a watch dog. A pitbull in a skirt. She kicked me out this year and while I was away I would get phone calls that she was ill and needed to go to the ER and I needed to come to her home. She tried to turn my oldest son against me. She has a "ton of health problems" but she just sits on the couch not working out or anything to help her health problems. She's helpless, but so smart and has it all together. My father drives her around every where while she barks orders and belittles him. He's a pushover!!!

it disgusts me! I hate being around them. I want to just take my kids and move away forever. So toxic and unloving, ignoring and uncaring. I will never hear I love you, I'm proud of you...NEVER. I'm done. My sister has a lot of the N characteristics of my mom. I just pray that her kids end up okay. She does show them some love though.

When I try to back away from the family and do my own thing she has the nerve to say "family will always be here for you!!" Bull crap. I don't want a judgemental psycho warped family like that. I never got to my full potential b/c of paralyzing fear. Everything I did I thought of her "will she be mad, will she approve, will she think I'm bad if I do this, will she like this" and I would stop myself before even trying. SELF SABATOGE!!

Ughh.

response to article

This article is very good for women who have a narcissistic mother. I especially like the description of different kinds of mothers. Good information for recovery. I will share your article. Thank you! Ilissa Banhazl, Marriage and Family Psychotherapy

Narcissistic Mother @ 86

My mother is old now but she still knows how to manipulate everything/everyone around her. My sister was her golden child and she groomed her to be a caretaker. Sister married two men at least 25 years older than she was and took care of both of them, like a good co-dependent should. She took her own life in 2006 while husband number two was in hospital with Alzheimers. I got away. I was always scapegoated by Satan (as I call my mother). When my sister died, I got stuck with her and immediately got her in to an assisted living place to get distance from her. She still tells everyone that I "brought her here to be near (me) and then abandoned her"! Reality check. She is not able to deal with reality at all and can't figure out why I won't have anything to do with her. I have an excellent therapist that told me my mother is sadistic and so jealous of me it frightens my therapist. She advised me to stay away from her and only have other people deal with her on my behalf. That works. I subsidize her financially but otherwise have no contact. It's better for both of us. Any of you see Brooke Shields mother, Terry? Same stuff. Brooke's new husband can't stand her mother and tries to keep Brooke away from her. Terry would sell Brooke's underwear in ebay if she could. Take my advice: get a good therapist and a lawyer or accountant who will deal with your parent in their old age. My mother destroyed my sister. She can't have my soul...it belongs to God.

So glad I have a place to share my story

I can hear the story of my life echoed by so many here. I want you all to know that you are all warriors of the highest caliber, and once you realize that on a mental and soul level, you see that have endured as much as any child that has survived life in a war torn country. I spent my early 20's largely confused and struggling thanks to my crazy birth mother's lack of maternal direction. She was horrible to me. I could tell so many stories, but where to begin and why. I know I'm just preaching to the choir here. Some of the most horrid things that have stuck with me is how she would rummage through my private journals when I was out as a teen and fly hot about what she had read there when I got back "home", treating my little sister clearly better than me, yelling at me (I mean really going off) over the most inane things, and telling every family member about my screw-ups as a teen.

My younger sister is the Golden Child. I really tried to establish a relationship with my sister but my birth mother's talons are so deep in that child that I see there is no hope. I am usually the one that did all the calling. Now I'm done. I don't want anything to do with either of them. I got my closure, because I finally see that my birth mother will never change. I confronted her about the way she treated me as a teen. Thank Goodness I lived with my very loving and caring grandmother from infancy to age 12, so I only had to spend 6 years with this Monster of a woman. Well, of course, her response to me asking her why she treated me so bad was instantaneous denial and that all too familiar feeling of the rage about to bubble up from the lava pit of her cold heart. Of course, I am too sensitive, I imagine things. She also flew hot when I suggested that my step-dad treated me better than she ever did. He divorced her soon after I ran away back to my grandmother's at 17 in my senior year of HS because I had just absolutely had IT with her crap. I don't know what I did so wrong to make her hate me the way she did. I was an A/B student in honors classes, track star, held a job, and generally stayed far from trouble. But I was denigrated at every turn. I hate to use her treatment of me as my own 'scapegoat' for my problems in life, but I truly feel that having to go live with her (and not wanting to be there) and her horrible treatment towards me damaged my self-esteem, social skills and sense of self somewhat. Now, as a 30 something woman, I am finally happy with who I am and content with who I am.

I wrestle with the final demon of this hell, though I recognize that I have overcome the worst of it. That demon is jealousy of my sister. I feel like she has it all. She found love at age 16 and got married to this dude and they appear to have the classic FaceBook perfect life. Where as, in my younger years, I struggled in failed relationships, went here in there in the Military, made a few bad choices, and even though I had enough financially, I never had mama to fall back on so I always learned how to make do. That meant spartan living conditions. My sister has a showplace decorated house at age 23. Of course, Mommie Dearest and her dad (My Stepdad) ensured that the Golden One had a nice set up. My step dad and I were cool back when I was living in Hell with Mommie Dearest, but he largely drank and kept to himself and went out a lot to escape from the Monster. Now, since my sister and I have had beef prior to her wedding, I can only guess I committed a Cardinal Sin of upsetting the special one, so now he ignores me too, except the corny little Christmas cards he sends.

I can't help but feel as if my sister got the better end of the bargain. She seems so full of herself and Mommie Dearest and Stepdad paid for her to go to college and I never did (why I joined the military) even though Mommie Dearest knew I had plenty of scholarships and excelled academically. She was more interested in tearing me down in my senior year that helping me with my forms and stuff, and the little scholarships I had just weren't enough to cover everything. She made no effort to help me find and apply for aid like a normal mother would. But she was vested in making my life a living hell for no reason. So yes, I struggle with that jealousy of my sister knowing all they did for her, it seems like it is to spite me. Oh my, and her oh so perfect life. You could catch Diabetes looking at my sister's FB page. I feel so, so bad...but I have to fight that little feeling of longing to see my sister fall flat on her face somehow. I slay that demon and it rises again and again. I just want her to feel what I felt for once in her perfect little fairy tale life and know she is not what Mommie Dearest has boosted her up as being. I hate myself for wishing bad upon her, but I can't help it.

Meanwhile, my life is sorta so. My husband and I are well past the honeymoon stage, going strong almost 10 years, but we struggle sometimes. I guess there is the jealousy there too. I had to kiss many a frog until I found my prince, but it looks like my sister has known hers since the tender age of 16, and boy, do they ever look in love. I just know Mommie Dearest had a hand in my jacked up relationships and again, I just want to see my sister fail. I know that's sad, but at least I am honest. I'm free, but I am still wounded and part of me wishes them both ill. I think Mommie Dearest is getting hers now. She has some health issues, lives alone since she pushed step-dad away, Golden Child is married off to Mr. Wonderful; and no man wants anything to do with her, yet she is still stuck in this dreamworld that she is young and attractive even though she looks beyond her years. She is alone until Golden Child comes to visit her.

I hope I am struck by lightning and then eaten by wolves before I ever do my two kids the way that Monster did me. The only reason I won't delete Golden Child sister off my son's FB is because he has the right to converse with his aunt even if I don't talk to her, and it's minimal contact that way. But I don't think we will ever have a real relationship. I have cut Monster 100% out my life. She is dead to me, and even when she begins ailing I won't be there. I have nothing for her. I won't even be at her funeral. I may send a CD of "Ding Dong the Witch is Dead" to the church, but beyond that. I have nothing for her. And she will NEVER see my kids in real life, EVER.

picture perfect life

you say your sister has the perfect facebook picture life but i will guarantee you it is all for show. behind those closed doors her life is very likely what yours was growing up. feel sorry for her husband and kids.
you on the other should be proud to have experienced life at all and be married for ten years and also be honest. just be proud. trust me on this please! I have watched my step daughter struggle with her nmom and at 25 she is finally starting to realize what being a mom truly is about.

again be proud of yourself and pity your sister, dont be jealous of her

Goodbye To NPD Mother

I wasn't allowed to talk. I risked being slapped for it. I wasn't allowed to cry, unless I wanted something to REALLY cry about. I wasn't allowed to have feelings or express an opinion. I wasn't good enough. I wasn't like her friends' children. They were all perfect and I was a freak and a weirdo. I ruined my mother's entire life, according to her. She told me this often, for as far back as I can remember.. from the time I was five years old. When I was sick with fever and flu, she told me I was better this way. She liked me when my throat was too swollen to utter any sounds; I was a better child and she said she wished I'd stay this way. Or just die and go away forever.

I dreamt of being someone else.

She fantasized often about being rich, and how she would spend all the money if she ever got a million dollars.

When I was eight years old, she put me on a plane to fly 3000 miles by myself.. to go stay with my grandmother for the summer. She stopped at the insurance counter before I boarded, and purchased a very large insurance policy -- "in case the plane crashes and you die," she told me.

When I was a little girl I used to love my mother; genuinely love her. I pined for her affection that she never gave -- unless I was deathly sick. I didn't deserve her love; I wasn't good enough. Her friends all had wonderful children -- "why can't you be wonderful and perfect like them?"

As time went on, I learned to hide my feelings.. until I no longer felt anything at all. I stopped wanting to talk. To anyone. I no longer had anything important to say. Instead, I found solace in getting other people to talk and tell me their stories. I became a great listener to everyone.. except my mother. She never had any 'stories' to tell. She only gossiped and spread dirt about everyone who ever came into contact with her, while berating me at the same time--"Your hair is ugly. Your face is a mess. You're like a stone. Are you even a girl?"

But I no longer felt the things she said and did to me. I was numb inside.

I wasn't afraid of my mother anymore. She could no longer hurt my feelings, because I no longer had any.

I did a lot of drugs in my teenage years. Strangers (and friends) often commented that I had a very 'sad' look in my eyes. And they would ask me: "Why are you so sad?" I would force myself to smile and explain that: "I was just born that way. But I'm fine. Really. I'm fine. I'm very happy."

But I wasn't fine. I was suffering from severe anorexia nervosa and willing to try any drug I could get my hands on.

I wanted to die. I was fifteen and I wanted to die.

My mother sent me to live with relatives neither of us knew. They sent me back a month later, but during that time my mother had moved into a tiny one-bedroom apartment. She told me to go away since I was "good for nothing." So I left home at sixteen. It was 1978. I slept in an abandoned ballpark dugout. I slept under a freeway overpass. I wandered aimlessly from city to city, hitchhiking hundreds of miles.

I'm fifty now. I have three grown children and four little grandchildren.

My mother, whom I've kept at a distance all these years, can only speak ugly things about my children. They're not wonderful like the grandchildren of her fantasies; they don't call her very often, they don't dote on her and praise her on Facebook. They often go about their daily lives, focused on their own children and activities, and forget all about her. She, of course, reminds them that they'll wind up in Hell, and me especially for raising worthless brats who don't give her the love and respect and praise she deserves. And that's my fault.. for instilling in them to make up their own minds, be independent, have their own opinions.

Over the years when my children were small, they often asked me why 'grandma' was so mean to them and didn't like them. I would only smile for them (even though inside it hurt me very badly), and I would tell them: "Just be glad she's only your grandma and not your mother. We can always send her home."

It took me fifty years to realize, to finally understand.. that my mother has a personality disorder, and that there is a name for it, AND THAT SHE WILL NEVER EVER LOVE ME. I did not ruin her life. I am not a freak or a weirdo.. for I can love people and I understand empathy and emotional bonds. Sometimes I still have trouble feeling things and verbalizing my thoughts to other people. And there are some scars that I don't think will ever completely go away. But I finally learned after fifty painful years in my mother's abusive, hateful, bitter, manipulative shadow.. that she has an incurable personality disorder. She will NEVER change. She will never love me (or anyone else). And in light of this recent discovery.. I've decided that I no longer want her in my life. I feel soooooo liberated.

I have not spoken to her in nearly nine months. I've stopped reaching out to her. I deleted my Facebook account so I never have to read her daily hateful spew again.

I don't have a mother. I've never had a mother. What I had instead, was a battle-axe with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

Sometimes I wish I had a mother to talk to, a mother who would love me and care for me. But.. I will not weep over things that can never be. Instead, I will make every effort to be the mother that is there for my children (and grandchildren).. whenever they need their mother's ear and wisdom. And most of all, when they just need to know how much I love them and how wonderful I think they are.

WOW, we must have lived in

WOW, we must have lived in the same house!! LOL God Bless we have survived. I will never regret anything I have gone through in my life. God blessed me with my abusive parents so I could learn empathy, so I could see before others, peoples needs, even the smallest ones. He then blessed me with a husband who fell in love with me over the phone! Me, not what I looked like, not what I could do for him, but me.

Thank you God, and thank you for my Mother, The Blessed Mother in Heaven! I pray I get to see her one day, I feel her prescence and warmth just praying to her!

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Karyl McBride, Ph.D., is a licensed marriage and family therapist and author of Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers.

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