Q & A Corner: The Legacy of Distorted Love and Notes on Narc

I have been receiving emails from people from all over the world asking questions about their narcissistic families and relationships for quite some time now. I will be doing some Q&A posting from some of those anonymous questions and also welcome any questions you have and may want to forward here for my review and consideration. I am also interested in your comments. So, let's talk!

I recently heard from a woman from the Midwest. We will call her Jane.

Dr. McBride,

I tend to be one of those "Mary Marvels" you talk about in your book, particularly at Christmas time. I try to do everything for my family and extended family, as I want it all to be nice for them. I get soooo tired. And the most annoying and hurtful thing for me is that my narcissistic mother cannot seem to accept or like any gift I give her. It is never good enough and sometimes she even takes it back or asks me to keep it. I really do try hard. How do we handle this if the narcissist in our group or family does not like the gift? It is such a blast from the past in my childhood. It would be nice to not have to deal with this now.
Jane from the Midwest

Dear Jane,

Ughhh, on narcissistic families and the holidays! It is a challenge for sure. My advice is always to do what feels good to your heart. Do what you want to do for your loved ones even if they do not appreciate or reciprocate. If you know how to love, that's a good thing! We can only follow our own value systems and live our lives according to that. If you have a narcissistic parent and are trying to please them at holiday time, you will be disappointed once again, so don't expect the appreciation and just do what you feel is right. We have done our healing when we know deep down that we have accepted the limitations of a narcissist and no longer have expectations. I know this is hard to do and it is a good reason for us all to keep ourselves on the road to recovery.
Happy New Year to you! Recovery Works! So keep at it.
Dr. McBride

Dear Dr. McBride,

We have some major boundary issues with our mother at family gatherings. She tends to say things that are inappropriate and critical and does it in front of our kids. The kids are little now, but they still feel the tension. They know we are getting upset (my husband and I) and my siblings too! Nobody knows what to do...
We don't want to leave her out of our festivities, but is it ok to set boundaries during these family times and during the holidays when we are all supposed to be doing the happy, smiley, everything is great...kind of thing? We were sure taught that growing up!
Mary Ellen

Hello Mary Ellen,

Yes, we are taught to put on that smile and act like everything is grand in the narcissistic family. In our recovery, we learn about the distorted notion of love that we grew up with and also about being authentic. I am not an advocate of being mean or caustic to anyone, but setting boundaries is very important with narcissists. We have to learn to draw our line in the sand. You simply have to say in a kind way that something is bothering you and what it is. You can ask the person to please stop and tell them this is not acceptable to you. If they do not honor that, it is appropriate to remove yourself and your children from the situation. The key is doing this in a mature manner and not causing further ruckus in the family. Then don't gossip about it through the family channels or cause any triangulation with others in the family. Talk and share with your partner and close friends if you need to. Triangulation in the family communication always makes things worse. You may have to work hard at not doing this as it is taught by example in a narcissistic family.
Hope this is helpful Mary E.
Dr. McBride

Additional Resources for Recovery:

Resource Website: http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com

Book: Will I Ever Be Good Enough? Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/the-book-2/buy-the-book

Audio Book: http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/the-book-2/buy-the-book

Workshop: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers Virtual Workshop. Work recovery in the privacy of your own home, complete with video presentations and homework assignments: http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/workshop-overview-healing-the-daughters-of-narcissistic-mothers

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/DrKarylMcBride

Twitter: http://twitter.com/karylmcbride

Daughter Intensives: One on one sessions with Dr. Karyl McBride
http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/resources/daughter-intensives

“Is this your Mom?” Take the survey: http://www.willieverbegoodenough.com/narcissistic-mother