Those who have felt the effect of narcissism in their families or relationships, please feel free to submit questions or comments.

Dear Dr. Karyl,

Being raised by two narcissistic parents, I have found that my relationship choices have included picking narcissists in love relationships. Is that normal? Do we tend to do that? How do we get over this pattern of unhealthy choosing?

Rhonda

Dear Rhonda,

We tend to be attracted to the familiar until we do our own recovery. It is not surprising that children of alcoholics for instance seem to attract alcoholic partners and the same is true with a narcissistic family. This is what we learn. In the narcissistic family, we learn a distorted notion of what love is. It is based on either what I can do for you or what you can do for me, and therefore, tends to make up either a dependent or co-dependent relationship with your partner. The experience as a child being raised by a narcissistic parent is a feeling that you are there to serve them. The hierarchy is messed with and boundaries are very unclear. We tend to have an unconscious pull towards something that meets our emotional state of being and if we have not worked on our recovery, we will draw that other unhealthy person to us. This is the best reason to work recovery. I have received many emails from men and women who have been involved with partners who seemed to have the same narcissistic traits their parents had. It is true that the narcissistic parent is always there when they need YOU! To quote Elan Golomb from Trapped in the Mirror, " If the parent has a narcissistic bent, the pressure to copy is strong." This does not mean that we have to be narcissists too, but we tend to be drawn to them until we do our important work!