The Legacy of Distorted Love

Thanks for bringing this out into the open and starting the discussion here!

I noticed your book before, and wishlist-ed it on Amazon. I gradually came to realize that my [now 85year-old] mother has an emotional age of a toddler and how that hurt us as children.

And I'm glad to read that you're approaching 'the problem' with love... compassion is our friend! I do still hold some resentment against my mom and realize that isn't helping me.

I will read your blog with interest, but the book and any serious self-work will have to wait... my dad is very sick and he's a big priority right now (they split 40 years ago, so my mom is not much implicated). And we have a barrel full of emotional-legacy issues with him as well... fun, fun, fun... but it's a very human journey isn't it?

Your comment is a familiar topic that is coming up a lot with daughters of narcissistic mothers.It is unsettling to have reached the years where you are now parenting your parents and they have not grown up yet. Many narcissists respond to the world like a six-year old with major entitlement issues and expect you to respond to them pronto. If your aging parent is ill or in the last difficult years, you will have a struggle if you have not done the work of recovery for yourself.

We are able to use compassion and feel it, set boundaries, speak out and take care of ourselves only when we have first dealt with our own inner stirrings and past legacy of pain and disappointments.

We were taught to be co-dependent and take care of others, particularly the narcissistic parent. We feel a responsibility towards this like none other. It hits us like a bomb that explodes in our very nerves and interrupts our life cycle. We have to be prepared.

The "bad memory" of aging parents adds to the confusion. You try to confront them and they "don't remember that." It leaves you with more self-doubt and the trap of internalizing...thinking it is just you and how you might have not dealt well with your upbringing. Don't let this happen. Do your work so you trust your own feelings. You can't set appropriate boundaries without this.

My heart goes out to those daughters who are dealing with aging parents still caught in the web of narcissism. Little changes in narcissistic families...the change is within us!

My teen-aged son has a diagnosed NPD mother. I would be interested in learning about on-line communities for similarly situated teenagers.

Sorry, I do not know of on-line communities for boys with N moms. We are working on setting up a "guys corner" on our website though in the near future. Watch the site at www.nevergoodenough.com and maybe sign up for the mailing list so I can let you know.

I made a conscious decision to re-mother myself as I raised my 3 sons. And it helped me tremendously!

It was uphill battle though made much easier because I always lived so far away. Visits by her though, were always marked with, not so well-veiled comments about the importance of Appearances to the outside world. Nurturing and valuing my children s' needs was such a foreign concept to my mother. She just had no personal experience with positive feelings. Her family of origin(she was the 4th of 9) was the dysfunctional model of physical and emotional abuse set in an environment of secrecy and shame.

It has taken me many years to realize that it is not me who is unlovable but her inability to express and connect intimately.

My stumbling block remains however, my siblings(I am-was-one of 8) The siblings that have never married or had children of their own give me the most trouble for they only see me as my mother does.

If you disagreed in our family it damaged or ended relationships. If you showed vulnerability, you were teased and criticized.

My mother is 88 now. I don't have any hope she will ever know me. She is surrounded by her 'inner circle' of my siblings who are the keepers and proponents of the antagonism and hostility values.
I remember my mother in my prayers. I do not however, have to live in her reality.

I see my siter hoping for some scraps of from my mothers narcissistic table. They never came. My mother only loved the daughter that died many years ago- whom she controlled and dominated. My other sister and I got plenty of abuse. I have told my sister about this issue but she gets manipulated and upset all the time. I gave up as the only son.

My sister feel that she has a duty irrespective of how she is abused. I do not. I will under no circumstances accept my mothers abuse. My mother always said she had a rotten life but she showed no attempt to modify her behaviour. By and large all daughters suffering might have to accept that their mother is not going to change, link with others who share their problems, develop a strategy for handling the mother and get on with their lives by ensuring they are meeting their own needs. My sisters marriage suffered as well.

However, I think my mother knew something was wrong when I spent no time with her and ensured no information came her way. She was nice at times but how can you trust the words of a manipulator and liar if they want to reconcile? The old behaviour kepps returning.

Just live and love a good life. That is the best response. Narcissists are just sad, unhappy losers, ignorant of what they lost. The midnight hour might arrive. It might not.

I am so glad I found this Will I ever be good enough book on Amazon! And I am waiting for it to arrive any day now. I have started by self healing, creating better boundaries, getting rid of friendships with mean critical girls over the last 2 years, I am out of the shopping mall as i have a new past time! I started a business venture using my creative side and I recently joined a Row/ crew team just to meet new positive people. I have got to the point where I only talk to moms every 2 weeks and it feels good. I no longer feel guilty and it has been comforting to put a name to the face of this agony and discomfort. AND I LOVE TO JOURNAL I do not need that depressing pal to trade sob stories with! Oh and did I mention no more bad boyfriends, I'm single, but happy and uncompromised! GOD BLESS KARYL's WORK! We need more of this healing. I have been on this road to understanding over the last 4 years, but this last year I have really got to the root of my issues, identified angry triggers, now I am alot calmer, less insecure, just happy, and in my mind and body I have soooo moved on! I will be a close follower of this blog and will get involved in the on-line support group! Such a blessing, so many people do not understand what kids with NPD parents go thru! The WORLD'S solution is oh grow up and Get over it! Ok
after I get help sure I can!

I've known for a few months the label in which to frame my childhood. It was very revealing and sad to put all the pieces together. At the same time, it was also very freeing. It wasn't my fault. I didn't have to try so hard to please my NM. My siblings and I have since discovered a legacy of sexual abuse, shame and manipulation. My mom and her siblings hide behind religion and use vicious verbal attacks to ensure cooperation.

Happily, I am now shunned. :) I say happily because although it is sad for me to honestly face the fact of the perpetuated narcissism, it is also very peaceful not to have my phone ring and my mom pretend like she didnt' just chew me out the day before.

Well, she does try to call occasionally. I just don't pick up if I don't think I can go to blows with her that day. Or I will answer it and remain detached and actively listening for her attacks. veiled or otherwise.

Sadly, alot of my cousins are experiencing the same separation from their moms whether the moms get it or not.

I am pretty convinced my "disrespect" and attitude and whatever else my mom will tell her siblings is being communicated down the lane.

I feel like it is only a matter of time before the holidays roll around and there is another concerted effort to manipulate or be shocked that i still want nothing to do with her.

Any advice how to navigate this new relationship once you are "aware" of all the tactics and what you are up against?? Still stuck with this even months later..