The longer that time goes on I realize how much time I have wasted. But sometimes it is very hard to move forward even with taking all the right steps. I am still, YEARS later, working on the same issues and losses and am easily discouraged that I am still stuck in the same situation.

My only son passed away October 21,2006.Since then,I have been a shell of my former self.With my daughter's unfailing help,I moved to a new apartment and set about trying to get my life in order;but i find that even now,I can not rise above the grief.I'm lost;most days I can not function.I have sought counselling and have found comfort in that.I see his face everywhere,and am haunted by his last hours.In the words of Edna St.Vincent Mallay:"The presence of that absence is everywhere".I truly beleive that I will mourn for him forever-very little will change that.

Maybe there's a difference between mourning and getting through the pain...as missing someone might always be forever but finding meaning for it may help. Also there's not one way to heal for everyone, I hear as long as you try different techniques eventually something would work.

As a bereaved mother and author of the novel, Saving Elijah, which was inspired by my own experience of losing my son, I need to point out that the problem isn't so much whether time heals all wounds or not. We incorporate our losses into our lives, and the only question is what kind of person will be become as we do so. The problem when people spout cliches like "Time heals" is rather that saying so to someone who's really hurting "de-legitimizes" what he or she is feeling right NOW. This is hard to take when you're already feeling isolated and lost. You might as well kick a wounded dog.
As I say in a recent article for Boardroom.com and my post of April 30 at www.bruisedmuse.com, for all the violence and death we Americans see in our entertainment, we want our real pain shrink-wrapped, bloodless, and over fast. That's why people spout cliches like "Time will heal," and "God must have wanted him," and give advice like "Have another child," "Start dating again" and so on. Unfortunately there is no quick fix to alleviate the volatile, long-lasting, often ugly emotional stew that is grief, and the fact is raw emotion makes most people uncomfortable, and they say these these to try to make themselves LESS uncomfortable.
Time does in some sense heal our wounds, and we may learn that in time, but grief is a journey. When we undertake it we have no idea where it will take us. We need someone to walk with us quietly, but we must lead the way.

The longer that time goes on the more I realize how greatly I have failed. My wounds do not heal, they only remind me of how many times I continue to make the same mistake over and over and perhaps this is what life truly is. Perhaps, this is what I deserve.

I am currently going through a lot and have been thru a lot in my lifetime. Unfortunately, I just lost my wonderful husband who committed suicide 11-29-2007.
Not only that I have had to deal with too many things that I didn't bring on myself & that no one should have to go thru! I am the only functional person in my family. I am the only girl out of 4 children. My parents made their choices & that's their business but unfortunately some people should never have children. My parents didn't purposely try to hurt us, but they do. My 3 brothers do not understand.
I don't know what their problem is with me. We have all made mistakes & errors. Perhaps said something trying to get a 'reaction out of someone'-my parents--or to 'try and get them to respond by saying something out of desperation'.
It is easy to pass judgement on someone when they are only hearing a certain side of things. In my mother's case, she's always had emotional problems. She doesn't face reality. She is nervous, insecure and has always been I suppose threatened by me. My dad and I had a wonderful relationship when I was growing up. Due to his low self-esteem not feeling he deserved better and worrying about 'what others will thing/say/do' for appearance sake, stayed married. He chose to become full-blown alcoholic-now he is not even anywhere near the Dad I loved so growing up with. It's sad, wasteful. He told me once on a trip-w/out me asking when I was 21 he'd made a mistake. I told him if he wanted to divorce her he could come live w/me in my house I rented. Yet he stayed!
I'm going ahead of my story however he told my husband 17 1/2 yrs ago. Yet he stayed. My mother for years has lied, told 1/2 truth's, ignored me wouldn't spend time w/me, I can accept that but don't oust someone w/out knowing the entire story. There is a saying 'there is your side, their side & the truth'. I had been living entirely supporting myself since age 19.
I have been through physical, mental, verbal abuse w/prior crazy fiance that tried to kill me about 11 times. I met him at 'church'. I knew him over 2 years before he ever did anything violent to me. I have survived moving back to my parents home. Now I had not only a whacked out mother but alcoholic father to deal with. I told my mother one evening I 'disagreed w/what she said' & my father in a drunken violent rage came after me w/a huge 16" carving knife saying he was going to 'kill me if i didn't apologize to my mother'. I told him it would be the last thing he would ever do and he'd better get away from me.
I said I'm not going to apologize because I didn't do anything wrong. My mother refused to face anything.She said, "Everyone is 'picking on me, no one loves me, stop being mean to me" like a child. She bawl & whine over everything very often sounding persecuted. SHe went to g/p who gave her valium that I think she took twice. I was ready for the Valium because she drove me so crazy growing up. She didn't hound my brothers like she did to me. I don't get it---not at all. I realized very early on I wouldn't be able to get what I needed emotionally from her but that doesn't mean I stopped trying. I grew up always apologizing to her even when I didn't do anything wrong or her lying/twisting around what I'd say. Often i did this to please my dad and to grant him peace from her. She hounded him w/her whining. He and I were alike in that we understood each other and loved each other unconditionally. He'd come and talk to me, read me stories at bedtime. I could talk to him about almost anything. I hated seeing him so miserable. She drove him so crazy. All he wanted to do after work was work on the house, have a cup of coffee, work in his little garage shop area doing woodworking. They just didn't get along.
I tried everything possible to please her. So did my dad but nothing was ever good enough. She made him so made on vacation once screaming at him to "let me out of this car right now' over & over again for about 10 minutes. In the middle of the mountain road he stopped car and let her out. he should've left her and not gone back for her. I would've. That has nothing to do w/her being my mother. It's just that she's unbalanced. That's my opinion.
I realized I'd just be as independent as possible. I stayed out of house by babysitting, going to school,church & youth group,choir tours,my friends homes, and swim team, bike riding, softball-whatever else that was functional and fun. I still had chores which I did.
However, after the abuse suffered from crazy fiance', I was always into self-improvment/self-help and being functional. I took myself to counselor and abused group therapy. I told therapist about my mother, fiance/father, my family. I went about 4 months and she told me I was the most functional person she'd ever seen. I face reality no matter how horrible, difficult it may be.
I reached the point w/my mother when my husband and I and they and 2 other couples went on vacation--which we paid for;my mother & i were in car just us 2, she drove wrong way after I told her don't go that way, into oncoming traffic and missed a car by about 4 inches. I waited about 10 minutes for her to apologize, which she didn't. I asked her, "don't you have something to say to me?" she said, "What am I supposed to say?" I said "u needed to tell me you were sorry for almost killing me by your driving like u did." her reply, "I don't have to say I'm sorry. I didn't do anything."
duh... I made a goal to get work & out of that crazy household & leave them to their own dysfunctional relationship.
However, I made up my mind I'd never say I was sorry to her again if I wasn't wrong. I got out, went back to work for federal govt job-SSA-got transferred to Florida where I met my wonderful husband.We always said 'we fell in love w/our best friend." He'd been married 2 times before. He had 2 children-the oldest disabled & sick over since he was very young. Over many years of marriage he told me he was sexually abused by his mother, his aunt and their sick friends. He made the best he could of it. His grandmother lived w/them-she was elderly, vision impaired & bad heart.His mother was twisted/still is.
He missed his children terribly-they lived in ny state. His son was brilliant but troubled. His dtr felt that she was left by the wayside but only because her brother was so sick. My husband didn't do it on purpose. I was sick for almost entire marriage since moving to s.fl but it was due to working in 3 sick fed'l bldgs polluted w/mold/mildew. huge medical bills/constant illnesses,etc. I never got monetary help but I begged for it.no one can understand unless you've experienced it firsthand. My husbands daughter got married/we weren't there/they loved each other but she was so angry. i tried to patch them up but to no avail. he'd been to therapist years ago & he tried to cope w/everything. his son died from accidental overdose-was it accidental? he'd had mental breakdowns/problems & my husband's mother enabled him to wander for years over the usa. she should've helped her son so he could help his son. she wouldn't listen. her brother is worth 50million catered to her craziness.they both blow up over nothing. All his children have million dollar trust funds, multiple homes & my husband's mother traveled over the world w/her brother paying for her every whim. $10,000 dresses, $2000 shoes, etc. She had a credit card w/no limit that he paid the bill every month. All my husband had was continual heartache. we had his mother w/us 5 times which didn't help him one bit. He was so good. We had to refinance our condo due to huge medical bills-finally i had to retire early due to illnesses. We got an arm he started losing his mind I had to lock him up in mental hospital. Before I did that I'd made psychiatrist appointment because he wasn't in a good way...bottom line?
He kept journal saying I was such a great wife that I deserved better. I knew he was suicidal. I got him help but he reacted horribly to all medications. I think he thought I'd be better off w/out him. He committed suicide w/me in the condo. i found him. I called 911 then tried to revive him get him down. he hung himself in bathroom. he had to be out of his mind. i am losing condo, haven't been able to find work, have to move in w/girlfriend who's got problems of her own. No family has offered. No sympathy cards. My emails to brothers got unanswered or ignored. I even called oldest brother to wish him happy birthday in the middle of my going slowing crazy from my grief. the silence is horrible. the actuality of my situation is awful. my 3 brothers have read my emails--most via classmates dot com. it's easy to be hateful and live w/lies told to you. I have had to go to psychotherapist & group suicide survivors meeting just to cope.
I lost my wonderful, sweet, smart,loving, gentle, caring, adorable husband who was never threatened by my being so smart. I have always had a nurturing/tough love caring attitude. I am only 54 yrs old. What am i to do now? I am holy spirit filled Christian...It's so difficult. my parent's don't understand. my brothers don't care. However, I have so many friends --I have no one to help me pack up. The memories are wonderful w/my husband. I had gastric bypass exactly 1 yr ago. I am recovering most of my health but not all. I've lost 100 lbs & almost at my goal weight. Whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger. At least it will help us to hang on. Jesus suffered. I don't know what life has in store for me. I miss my husband. I miss my stepson, Kevin. I loved him as if he were my birth child. Now my stepdtr, Jill, and I have a wonderful relationship. I will not lay guilt on her. I'm not that way and it's horrible enough she doesn't have her only sibling and now her Dad is gone. I love her and she's my friend. I told her no matter where I go, what I do, I will always love her and be there for her..always. Pray for me, Pray for her and her 2 children. they will only know their grandpa Stuart, through us and our memories, pictures. His legacy is not the final awful moments but his lifetime of loving, caring, nurturing, fishing, helping others at his federal SSA career where we met almost 20 years ago, his laughter. he was so good. i am NOT 'better off w/out him'. we made each other better people. we helped each other grow. we loved each other. We never hardly ever had any harsh words to each other. it was love and kindness. That should be our legacy to the world.
love each other, help each other, don't go to bed angry. I am glad we never ever did do anything like that. I miss him.
KNOW THIS; DON'T BE AFRAID TO GO TO THERAPY. KEEP UP YOUR HEALTH; TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF-PHYSICALLY, MENTALLY, EMOTIONALLY AND SPIRITUALLY.
ALL IS 'NOT LOST!' NEVER GIVE UP.
FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION.
NEVER EVER EVER GIVE UP. FEELINGS OF GRIEF r to be expected. u will always miss that person. Talk to them-they could be listening. Don't give yourself any recriminations. it's pointless.
hang in there. i promise love u r self! be as gentle to yourself as Jesus would be to you.

I also set up a permanent memorial page for my sweet husband.
It will help to also not label yourself as a 'survivor of suicide', widow, widower for a long time due to the fact that this will not help you to heal. It is fine for awhile but in the long run can hinder your healing. That is my opinion. For example even though I am for the meantime to cope going to the 'suicide survivors group support meeting'. I will not label myself as a widow, a suicide survivor, but by my first name. If u do anything else over a long period of time i think it will cause you not to be able to deal with it. u will have good times/bad times/good moments/bad moments. You need to know that u will get through them. However, that doesn't mean the pain will not hurt because it will . Try not to remember the loved one in death. Of course I'm having flashbacks! My friend that helped me do cpr on my husband was a psychotherapist for over 35 years. She
woke up in the middle of the night- this is months later- unable to sleep and having ptsd flashbacks and thought to herself, "If this is what I'm experiencing and I'm a therapist what is 'b' going through? She was his wife, she found him and she's living in the home where they lived together, shared, loved each other. Then also her family doesn't contact her?
Good lord."
Please read some literature. If u r coping with a suicidal death, u may not think it will help but go online to
some of these websites:
survivorsofsuicide.com,afsp.org or do a general search 'survivors of suicide'

I just finish reading abel keogh's book 'room for two' which was great. However, everyone's situation is different. He wasn't married almost 20 years. He was only with his wife 3-4 years. He was young when she killed herself. I am not minimizing what happened in his life.
He was also able to go back to work. He had a job. He didn't lose his home.
He had his family that loved and supported him.
It was a wonderful book. It took courage to write it. It took guts to talk about it.

If anyone has any weird thoughts please go get help. DO NOT WORRY what anyone else thinks. It doesn't matter. I expressed to my mother who's elderly that I had to go to a psychologist and she started in with 'You're going to a psychiatrist?!" NO, I said, "A Psychologist due to the fact that I'm totally stressed out and I can't cope anymore."

Even though I have nothing except my federal pension, no children losing my home, no private insurance, no family.
However, I have ME. I KNOW THAT 'THIS IS ONLY TEMPORARY.' I know that I will survive. All of this will pass. I tell myself you have loving friends. Your friend Ruth is looking forward to you coming to live with her. Her parents are elderly however they have offered me to live at their home also. Another elderly friend who lives in rural NOLA, my best guy friend, Val's mother has offered me to live with her. Yet my own family has offered nothing. My youngest brother owns a company in Houston, Tx. He could offer me a job there-even as a clerk. I don't want to be given charity.
I will go back to college and get my nursing degree. I only hope that my health holds out and I mentally and physically will be able to do this. I will then be a traveling nurse and do only private duty nursing.
Keep me in your prayers.
I had a horrible night last night. I miss
my wonderful, adorable, loving sweet husband/friend/lover/confidante. I miss him holding me, talking to me, cuddling, kissing, making love and just doing everyday things like having a cup of coffee or reading the paper.
I can't change the past. However, I can
keep him in my memory. I know that someday the Lord Jesus will give me another soulmate. When, where, how I don't know. I'm not stodgy but I'm not a partier or barhopper, etc.
But I have hope. Bless you and find your own self-worth, peace and happiness.
I never expected anyone to 'save me' or ride up on a white horse or white knight to rescue me. There is no Cinderella or princess. AT least not like the fairy tale stories.
However, there are a lot of good men out there. I don't care what anyone else thinks.
If men would keep in mind not to think about 'scoring' and treat women in a way that they would want their sister or their mom to be treated then they would pull many things that they do.
We need to all just be kind, honest, loving, empathetic and I've seen over the years that it's pointless to hold onto anger or to be cruel and mean. You can be honest, to the point. Women and men should be honest with each other. Women shouldn't use men either. Enough of this for now!
The bottom line is remember the person you lost, keep them always in your heart and honor their memory.
b

Time heals ? No I don't think so.

I see it as space, what are you going
to fill the space with.
The space isn't the answer, it was created
to be used.

Time heals nothing~The wounds are forever fresh and forever there

i have just come out of a 3 years relationship with not only a boyfreiend but a best friend and i am having alot trouble moving on, is there anymore abvice you can give me to help me forget about the memory of what once was? ive tried everything and im usually a very srtong willed determined person but nothing is working for me.

Yes, I agree that counselling is an important part of dealing with loss. Whether it's seeking professional help or talking through it with a friend, etc.

But I believe that time heals. The grief I felt when my Dad died two years ago is not as fresh, and I have accepted the fact that he is gone. Things will never be the same, but they have gotten much better. Does that make sense?