The Joint (Ad)Ventures of Well-Educated Couples

What it really takes to create and sustain an exceptional and lasting marriage.

by Shauna Springer, Ph.D

Impulsivity and "The Little Mermaid Syndrome"

Sadly, in real life, there are plenty of “Ariels” (both men and women) who commit themselves in radical ways to people they barely know. No matter how sexually liberated one deems oneself, I’d submit that none of us wants to roll over in the morning and have our lover say, “So, what was your name again?” Read More

Delay of Gratification and Exceptional Marriages

Waiting for a partner who is capable of maintaining a lifelong, happy marriage, and enjoying a long courtship with that person to really test mutual compatibility is an adult version of some research participants waiting for two marshmallows in Walter Mischel's landmark study of delayed gratification. Read More

What Is Scarce Becomes Very Attractive

A blog post about the "beer goggle" effect - what it's really about (e.g. it's not really about alcohol) and how it explains the way that women with vastly different personalities conclude that a given Bachelor on ABC's "The Bachelor" is their pre-destined soul mate. Read More

Choosing a Good "Stud" for 'The Bachelor'

Instead of allowing contestants to know anything of substance about his true character, the producers of 'The Bachelor' would be wise to instead emphasize his raw masculinity. If he is well built, then the plans for the show should include multiple opportunities for him to strip off his shirt and flex his muscles, cast in the role of the supreme protector of "his women." Read More

Applying Kinsey's Sexual Orientation Model to Families

When you talk to your partner about the possibility of having children, unless you are both strongly in favor of having children or strongly opposed to having children, consider discarding the question “Do we want to have children or not?” Read More

Marital Happiness and the Transition to Parenthood

Do kids really kill a good marriage? Read More

Excitement, Longing, and Passion in lifelong relationships

Readers offer provocative perspectives on the possibility of sustaining excitement and passion in lifelong relationships. Read More

Can the Cocaine-rush of New Love be Sustained for 50 Years?

Typically, the law of diminishing returns applies in the realm of love relationships. Over time, a kiss generally has relatively diminished power to produce the same explosion of feeling as it once did. No relationship remains in the cocaine-rush phase forever as a rule. There are exceptions to every rule however… Read More

How to Have your Partner's Back

I’ve noticed that when I ask patients if they have a good working definition of emotional safety, it is often hard for them to generate a response. Within the military culture, the related concept that is the closest fit is the idea of “having your partner’s back.” In terms of emotional safety, there are four ways to have your partner’s back... Read More

Shifting Perceptions in New Relationships

Have you ever wondered how children and their parents or two siblings can say the most awful things to each other, often without putting their relationships in real jeopardy, when newlyweds cannot do the same? Read More

How to Ask for Change in Your Marriage

There is wisdom inherent in the "mud sandwich" principle when asking for change in close relationships. A healthy love relationship can tolerate plenty of change and mutual correction at the level of specific behaviors if both partners protect each other well on the level of global perception. Read More

How do Spouses Want to be Seen by their Partners?

For more than a decade, marital researchers engaged in an ongoing debate that boils down to two opposing viewpoints. One camp insisted that happily married spouses want to be known and loved as the people they are, with their warts and all. The other camp insisted that happily married spouses want to be idealized in their partners’ eyes... Read More

Be a Man: Respect Women

I asked my sample of well-educated women: “If you had to choose between feeling alone and unloved by everyone in the world or feeling disrespected and inadequate by everyone in the world, what would you choose? Can you comment on which situation would be WORSE to bear and why?” Read More

Women Need Love and Men Need Respect?

Emerson Eggerichs, best-selling author of Love and Respect, asserts, “Husbands are made to be respected, want respect, and expect respect. Many wives fail to deliver. The result is that five out of ten marriages land in divorce court.” Has he discovered the ultimate key to marital success or are his views based on a faulty premise? Read More

Travelling Alone May Be Good For Your Relationship

Travelling alone can present moments of solitary terror and experiences of exhilaration and renewal that are different from the renewal we experience when we travel with our partners. In the context of my marriage of 15 years, our solitary adventures have been a vital component in keeping our relationship vital and happy. Read More

How Long to Wait Before Getting Married

In nearly each audience that I’ve spoken to about marital decision-making, someone raises a hand and says, “My parents fell in love and got married a month later, and they’ve been completely happy together for the last 50 years.” A handful of marriages might thrive after short courtships, but for every one of these examples, a much greater number end in divorce. Read More

How Perfectionism Hurts Relationships

When an individual is caught up in the bondage of perfectionist striving, he or she is likely to be less interested in developing a healthy, mutually satisfying marriage and more interested in chasing the elusive rabbit in his or her own head. Read More

Dangerous Reasons to Get Married

If you are on the hunt for a spouse, take an honest look at your motivations. When motivation to marry comes from anxiety, inadequacy, or self-centered pragmatics, you may be setting yourself up for what author Pamela Paul has referred to as a “starter marriage." Read More

Unresolved Trauma Attracts the Sharks in the Dating Pool

Sharks in the dating pool will bump up against those they are getting to know, putting out feelers in the form of little tests to gauge the potential for dominating someone. There are many, many forms that these tests can take... Read More

What Happens in Vegas does NOT stay in Vegas

What happens in Vegas does NOT stay in Vegas. If you know that your partner would be upset to hear that you had strippers at your bachelor/bachelorette party, this decision will affect your marriage. Read More

Fighting Before Marriage is a Good Thing

Some people see fighting as a sign of fundamental incompatibilities. They are right - we are all incompatible on some levels, and it’s delusionary to think otherwise. Two people who go into their marriage knowing that they can stay connected despite conflict have a much better chance of staying married. Read More

Would We All Be Happier Without Marriage?

Since the cocaine-rush of new love feels so universally amazing, and poses no legal consequences, why don’t we all just make a lifestyle of repeatedly falling in love? Not so fast—there are three fundamental problems with this idea… Read More

Marry a "Princess" or a "GLUM" at Your Own Risk

If a woman ever says, "I want you to treat me like a Princess," pay attention and be very careful in your assessment of her character. If a woman wants—and expects—to be treated like a Princess, marry her at your own risk. The same goes for her male counterpart. Read More

Can Beauty Hurt Your Odds of Having a Good Marriage?

Although it might seem counter-intuitive to make the argument that beauty is a social handicap, it is quite possible that in many cases, being unusually attractive may actually lead to some unique disadvantages for creating a successful and lasting marriage. Read More

Falling in Love is Like Smoking Crack Cocaine

There are striking similarities between the brain state of a person falling in love and that of a person who has just smoked crack cocaine. We're not talking about the slightly buzzed feeling you might get from drinking a glass or two of wine, but rather about the high-octane euphoria associated with smoking crack cocaine. Read More

Soul Mates Do Exist—Just Not In the Way We Usually Think

After three blog posts about the fallacy of the soul mate, I’d like to utterly reverse my position and assert that soul mates do in fact exist...just not at all in the way that we traditionally conceive of the concept. Read More

"Destiny" beliefs can threaten long-term marital success

Can "destiny" beliefs undermine a marriage? Research suggests that people who believed that they had met their soul mates and who then encountered some information that contradicted their initial (unrealistically positive) assumptions about their partners often felt disillusioned, gave up the fight, and started detaching. Read More

Connecting "Soul Mate" Beliefs and "Starter Marriages"

When someone espouses a belief in "soul mates," this belief most often carries the hope that destiny will bring them into a permanent union with their one perfect match. To the degree that someone adopts this kind of belief, there is a heightened risk for poor decision—making during the dating phase of a relationship. Read More

The Fallacy of the Soul Mate (Part I)

The concept of finding a soul mate is riddled with logical errors, the biggest of which is the idea that our personalities are fixed and unchanging over the course of life (a close second would be the statistical improbability that teenagers in towns with tiny populations across America seem to keep meeting their soul mates in their very own high schools). Read More

Key Factors That Impact Your Odds of Marital Success

A later age of marriage and a more lengthy courtship explains in some part the high levels of marital satisfaction reported by well-educated couples. Insufficient courtships do not allow us to carefully evaluate each other’s character, assess compatibility, set off future land mines, and figure out how to work through conflicts together. Read More

Shauna Springer, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist, relationship and lifestyle researcher, and author of Marriage, for Equals: The Successful Joint (Ad)Ventures of Well-Educated Couples. more...

About The Joint (Ad)Ventures of Well-Educated Couples

This blog is a thinking person’s reflections on life, love, and happiness. The author, Dr. Shauna Springer, is a licensed psychologist, relationship and lifestyle researcher, and author of the book Marriage, for Equals: The Successful Joint (Ad)Ventures of Well-Educated Couples (marriageforequals.com). Drawing from clinical examples, literary and media sources, and relevant research, the blog offers a clear and insightful analysis of what it really takes to create and sustain an exceptional and lasting marriage and a satisfying and successful life.