An extrovert writes about problems she faces as an extrovert—but are they really problems? Read More
If one wants to be an introvert I say good for them. If one wants to be an extravert I say good for them too. If this female writer has challenges due to her extroverted personality I say let her write them down without issue. With all these introverts crawling out of the woodwork complaining they don't get any respect and people don't understand them, I think they have a lot of nerve looking down their noses at an extrovert who has different issues.
Get a grip, introverts seem to think that empathy, sympathy and attention should be reserved for them.
No looking down noses here, just questions, legitimate ones.
In a big brash louder is better country like the states being reserved and introverted is often seen and lived as a handicap.
No-one says it is better than being extroverted. But respect the difference sheesh.
Also, Dembling took time to address the fact that she's not "looking down her nose" at extroverts. I think the "problems extroverts face" seems like a cute, innocent thinkpiece; however, underneath, it seems to be saying, "What are all these introverts complaining for lately? Us extroverts have problems too."
And, yes, of course extroverts have their own sets of problems; however, under its cutesy guise, the article "problems extroverts face" article itself seems to diminish and deny the extrovertcentrism that is still rampant in society.
Also, why is an extrovert writing about problems she faces considered merely "writing them down," when an introvert articulating our problems considered "coming out of the woodwork"? That almost seems to suggest that us introverts need to "know our place and be quiet."
I agree and I would add, that this author really lives up to the stereotype of introverts constantly judging extroverts as emotionally inferior for wearing their feelings on their sleeves by making personal value judgements. It's NOT "valid" to tear down someone for their personality. It's shitty. Regardless of your personal experience.
If you want respect for your personality type and in the SAME BREATH you look down on people for their natural inclination-what do you EXPECT? Of course extroverts feel judged. It's like this WHOLE piece is just a big " buuuut I WANT to judge all extroverts as needy flirts who need to care more about how all introverts see them...but shouldn't make it obvious they're looking for approval because THAT emotional honesty makes me see them as weak." Okay. New stereotype- introverts are evil stepmothers.
this article is the only, the only ever article I read online that made sense. period.
I was much more an "extrovert" when I had lower self esteem and wanted others' attention more. I feel like I grew up and developed some self esteem and now I seem more introverted.
So, yeah, I'd give her a couple of those, but the others just seem to me to be special pleading and narcissism.
She just seemed to caught up in her reaction to her perception of other perceptions of her.
The comments were fun - but sooooo many of them. One is memorable, the writer suggested substituting 'whiny teenage cheerleader' for 'extrovert' and 'everybody else' for 'introvert' and read the article again. LOL!
I thought the writer made some valid points.
I'd have to agree, most of my extroverted friends are more worried about what people think of them, and generally more insecure than my introverted friends.
It can often be mistaken for the other way around though. I've been told many times that I should be more self confident and speak up for myself more, when really I'm not speaking up because I'm quite happy and have no interest in sharing my point of view in order to have it validated.
To change the subject; I too have always had the problem that when I try and flirt with someone they don't even notice.
I love the image used for this post.
I think all of 10 points could also refer to introverts, just maybe not all of them all the time. The most problematic, for me, is #5. I really don't like surprises, especially not social ones (no surprise parties PLEASE!).
The funny thing is, this author is writing a reaction piece to a SERIES of unrelated reaction pieces, displaying the passive aggressive behavior that is being criticized perfectly.
BUT even the IMAGE she uses is a companion to "10 ways to care for your introvert".
So her premise that the criticisms against this "extroverts are people too" fad is one dimensional...while glossing over the WHOLE premise for this and ignoring the context is even less emotionally mature than she labels extroverts as. (https://encrypted-tbn1.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRGBdNRhD3zvx0nMSxq...)
^ That is the companion image to the one used for this article.
For someone that makes a lot of effort to not directly say she thinks extroverts as less whole adults than ALL introverts, and implied they are all "going through a phase" or have emotional issues around self image that are un-addressed...her idea of a "confident" person as someone who does not care AT ALL how they are seen sounds a lot like a bully. Some bitter school yard kid that attacks anyone who disagrees with them, while at the same time proclaiming how superior they are for "not caring". Are all introverts Jordan Catalano? Fonzi? Adam from Girls? Wednesday Adams?
I don't think so, but I have some serious reservations about an author that has less substance to her work than the 22 year old she is obviously having a problem with.
To be honest, I even take issue with the idea of extroverts being labelled unintellectual and shallow. In my experiences, the one who is outspoken, talks fastest, and can think on his/her feet is the one perceived smartest. And the one's who are quiet, talk slowly, and take their time to think before they speak are considered less intellectual.
For example, I recently went back to school for a one-year program. I'm an introvert. Behind the scenes, I'm putting up some of the best marks in our class. However, I find that people think of the students who talk a lot in class as the smartest. And, when I do try to speak up, no one listens to me. The other day, there was a question about the meaning of "denotation" vs. "connotation." I knew the difference, and I kept trying to speak up, but people kept interrupting, and didn't listen.
Anyway, the point isn't my personal struggles of being an introvert in an extrovertcentric world; the point is that I applaud you, Ms. Dembling, for taking on that silly "problems extroverts face" article.
This is not to say extroverts don't have problems; or, again, it's not to say that introverts are better than extroverts. Rather, it is to say that extroverts need to accept their privileged place in society, and that they need to realize that the introvert movement isn't an attempt to dethrone extroverts from their position of privilege. No, the introvert movement is just an attempt to say, "OK, introverts have been unfairly considered as weaker for too long; now we want our talents to be recognized as well alongside the talents of our extrovert contemporaries."
or we could ship all the extroverts off to a country in Asia where meekness and quietness are a sign of respect and are honorable.
Extroverts are seen as brash and rude and introversion is seen as something to be regarded.
They would constantly be told to quiet down, they would be given looks of disgust for talking to loud on their phone in public. They would hear the work shhhhhhushhhh so many times they think their head will explode. The can't understand why people would get together and then NOT say or do anything.
They would be just as undesirable in a culture where restraint is honored/respected as introverts are in this country where to dominate is honored/respected.
Different cultures around the world have held ONE in higher regard over the other, We just happen to live in the US where extroversion is held in higher regard.
I just posted a very similar comment to yours on another of Sophia's posts. I think extroverts NEED to experience what we go through nearly every single day of our lives.
Let's see if they enjoy being looked at and thought of as weird, and also if they like being exhausted because they are forced to be quiet when all they want to do is talk.
A lot of extroverts see introverts as weak but we are a LOT stronger than they think. And they would realise this if they were forced to go against their innate personality just as we are.
Have you ever considered that extroverts hate to be shamed for their natural behavior as much as you...hate to not have the whole of society reform to wait with bated breath for every word you say? Introverts sound like super villains. You people are scary.
People are getting a bit more understading of introverts but most of the problems mentioned are a non issue. I get that introverts can judge extroverts as uninteligent etc. And i think it's wrong. I have such problem very often.
An extroverted person is speaking at a meeting/party getting a nice flow of words but sometimes missing the words meaning maybe imprecise wording makes me judge a person as not all there. And from there it's a slippery slope of judging everything.
Now when i get to talk to that person and sometimes clarify some things (or maybe just make sure they're realy dont know what they are talking aboout) i often get an inteligent well worded reponce making me feel ashamed that I've judged that person so wrong.
But that's me.
Most of the people in the room either get that someone sacrifices precision for the flow or just dont care. But if your nervous speaking trying to word everything right making stops somethimes looking for a proper and precise responce you're being treated as not well prepared not a quick thinker.
As for the rest of the issues Ms. Dembling addressed them well... maybe giving them too much weight trying little bit too hard not to offend any exrtoverts.
Keeping the conversation going was a forehead smacker for me too, and for the same reasons. Sometimes everyone wants the "conversation" to end, extroverts and introverts alike!
Where one falls on the continium of being extroverted, introverted or ambiverted, each one is unique and valuable. This is not some them versus us situation. Life is challenging in some way for every human being. Sterotyping and overgeneralization are not useful or helpful.
Furthermore, the quality of being introverted, extroverted or ambiverted is an internal one, not a behavioral one. The behavior may indicate the quality but is not the defining point.
So well said. I don't know why we feel we have to divide ourselves based on these qualities!
I'm an ambivert. And hearing introverts rail against extroverts DOES make me judge introverts as being jealous and bitter of attention extroverts get. Specifically when they talk about how extroverts are less intelligent...because when an extrovert speaks it isn't 100% fact-checked and in perfect form, ie "rambling". which I am obviously guilty of.
I judge introverts as being bitter and jealous towards extroverts, based on that common criticism that not EVERYTHING they say is polished because extroverts talk way way more than introverts.
It's easy to feel like you said "the right thing" if it was less than three sentences.
Do all introverts really think they're infallible and better thinkers AND speakers based on how they sound IN THEIR HEAD? Because they surely can't be comparing 15 seconds of speech to 2-3 minutes of talking, because that is a really imbalanced comparison. It's SO illogical to think you could do something better you would never do.
The problem with many extroverts is that they say things without or should I say before thinking. This behavior (of whatever its called) results into many extroverts saying really really mean things. It also results in gossip, since extroverts love to repeat after each other, again before thinking. Have you ever paid attention to the things that run out of extroverts mouths, sometimes they are surprised themselves. When you sit back, see or hear something, you ask yourself, did I see or hear that wright? Then you start speaking. Nothing will happen if one just sits back, gives themselves a few seconds and than answer. I do not believe introverts are jealous of attention, sinds they do not need any, it drains them. I became team leader in na extroverted environment because I am an introvert. People started noticing that my calm way of being and thinking is a good thing, because the person before me was just too short term oriented and jumped on every band wagon.
Although if this was going to be a place to make observations, however, I'd say the author fall into that space of introverts that think the problem's of extroverts aren't as significant as theirs. It's really quite... defensive.
I'm sorry, this makes me chuckle. It amuses me that people are getting defensive about being extroverted. The things people get upset over...
I have seen a change in the culture and more tolerance and understanding of introversion. I guess to some it's become a wearisome topic. I don't care. I never thought this day would come.
I am an older extroverted male. I now love solitude, but I am still not introverted. I enjoy interruptions and I have many random pleasant or informative conversations with strangers. But I like closing the door and disappearing to pursue may many interests. This kind of thing happens.
Perhaps young extroverts ill do anything for attention, including articles lamenting the travails of being extroverted, young and sexy. Hmmm.
if you are an introvert or an extravert? Do you take a test? In my experience, a lot of people are introverted sometimes and extraverted other times. Part of growing up is learning when each style is appropriate, isn't it? I know very few people who are introverted all the time or extraverted all the time. But maybe I'm just a terrible judge of character. I don't even know whether I am one or the other.
I suppose there could be people out there that one minute are walking up walls goign crazy from the need to socialize with people and the next week not be able to stay at a party for more than an hour without getting exhausted and counting down till it's time to go home.
I've never met a person who is so all over the place (unless they're bipolar)
it boils down to energy, where we get it and how we use it.
Most people have only ONE way of gaining and expending energy.
Wanting to go to a party doesn't make an introvert suddenly an extrovert because more likely than not that person is going to want to LEAVE that party sooner. Wanting to socialize doesn't make one an introvert/extrovert. How much socializing is NEEDED is what makes one intro/extro.
The 'energy' explanation is THE best way to define the two personality types, as it is at the core of what drives each personality. Yet it's not mentioned, nor explained, nearly as often as it should be.
I have to say though, that even though I have tried to explain this concept many times to certain (see extreme) extroverts, they still don't get it. They just don't understand how talking and socialising can drain someone's energy.
I think my next way of trying to explain it will be to suggest they try to impose a vow of silence on themselves for a weekend and then see how they feel at the end of it.
In retirement my basic extroverted personality spends a lot of time making up imaginary friends, since, understandably, most people want to keep old folks invisible or at least very quiet and without strong, well reasoned opinions. I really like these imaginary people and put them in the novel I'm writing. In many ways I prefer their company to real people, but that's only because I detect a bit of a "Go away" vibration from most people. lol. Occasionally I meet New Yorkers and we get along just fine. I also have easy, good conversations with minority people of all ages, isn't that odd?
I don't understand the point to this article. The extrovert article is expressing 6 (valid, in my extroverted opinion)points on why it's not as easy being a misunderstood extrovert as others may believe. And this article is just expressing the fact that the intorverted author doesn't understand where the extroverted author is coming from.
Instead of rebutting all the points that the author made why not take the time to understand them? Just because they are problems you may personally not relate to does not mean they don't affect someone else. Isn't that what you're asking extroverts to do??
More information about formatting options
Sophia Dembling is a widely published Dallas, Texas-based writer. Her latest book is The Introvert’s Way: Living a Quiet Life in a Noisy World.
When and how should we open up to loved ones?