Introverts might just be sitting at home waiting for invitations from other introverts. Somebody has to make the first move. Read More
Shut up with all this introvert bs, please. You cannot simplify the complex processes of the mind into merely 2 labels; introvert and extrovert. In fact writing psuedo-scientific articles like these do more harm than good. Metaphorically speaking your giving a person a false belief that they will take with them to the grave while only writing a little self-help to to get them past it.
I am very much an introvert and can relate well to what Sophia has written. Categories such as introvert/extrovert, passive/aggressive, flexible/rigid etc. run rampant throughout psychological articles.
I fail to see why these terms upset you, let alone to the point that you feel the need to verbally attack her. Problems with anger perhaps? Or just really poor communication skills?
I also question your statement about "...doing more harm than good." Based on what data, other than your opinion? Oh my! That's the very thing you criticize her for, having an opinion.
Also your assumption that her readers will have "a false belief that they will take with them to the grave" is, at best, insulting to just about everyone who reads her article. It implies a lack of intelligence and insight for the rest of us; traits that apparently only you possess.
Sophia does not present her ideas as psychological truths obtained from extensive experimental studies. She is simply sharing her personal experiences with like minded individuals. Why you find this threatening enough to tell her to shut up says so much about you, so little about her.
Oops! That's a label! Sorry!
Anonymous: I like to engage in dichotomous thining also. There are two types of people in the world, nice people and little beyotches. Guess which group you are in???
Your assumption is correct somewhat. It is obvious you feel this way because you may be a mixture of both, however why can't ppl be introverts to an extreme as well as extroverts to an extreme? I am an introvert an there is no doubt about it. I get invited to so many events and when I do it puts me in a bad mood for days. I don't enjoy big crowds and I don't enjoy meeting new ppl especially when I feel as though I may never see these ppl again.
Please be a little more open minded. If you don't appreciate what Sophia is saying then don't read her blog and leave the ppl that can relate to her up to the reading.
Most things I've read about being an introvert is that ppl will not understand you. You seem to be one of those ppl.
Sophia has made me feel normal for once.
As I started to read your post, I was reminded of something I came across in Twitter the other day:
chris @alieumby: The people that I'm most interested in meeting are the ones most likely to never be out somewhere that I'd ever meet them. 17 Sep
I am an introvert and articles like this are very helpful to me, thank you for writing and posting this!
My problem is that with all of my work-required social occasions and my extroverted wife that I am toasted by the point where I actually have time to do anything with introverted friends. A couple have asked why I don't like them anymore and I had to profusely apologize and explain myself. Thankfully introverts can comprehend this explanantion and trust it but it still leaves me a little starved for intellectual engagement.
Very interesting article!
this reminds me of something I was trying to explain to some non-introvert friends
as a shy introvert ( not all of us are shy ) it is easier for me to approach women by writing on dating sites than in person in ANY setting
but the type of woman I would like to meet would never post a profile and pictures of herself on a dating site; she would be too shy and too introverted for that!
The author of the article has got it right ; it is a catch 22...
oh yeah and my best friend ( a heterosexual male like me who can not find a woman like him ) is also a shy introverted , we see each other maybe 4 times a year but each time we say "we should do this more often!"...but then we never do
and months go by...
Thank you for this article - I struggle with extending invitations and it does seem especially hard with other introverts although those are the people I would better relate to. I look forward to reading your upcoming book.
I was just thinking about this topic recently. My wife and I are Introverts and I am Asperger. We enjoy our quite times together and livelier times when with others. I imagined a party of our Introverted friends getting together, having refreshments and quite conversations on various topics, while some watch TV, listen to music or read.
Our visits are often months apart, an hour or two together maximum, which we can enjoy recalling for the next six months or more. We feel knowing what we are and how we respond to social events is more helpful, for positive interactions, than hurtful. Excellent article, please keep writing them.
Good article. You mention a few ideas for introvert get-togethers, dinner, drinks, movies, tv, museum. Any other ideas? In addition to being an introvert (but not shy), I can never think of anything to do besides dinner and movies. I feel like a one-note guy!
I love coffee outings -- casual time to sit and chat quietly. Lunch on workdays is fun, and don't underestimate a weekend brunch, too. Both of these things are a fun thing to break up the day but have distinct end points, so it's easy to go decompress after.
Shows are always fantastic. Don't limit yourself to movies; check out plays, comedy shows, concerts. Or even lectures, if there's something you're into. (I usually avoid things like improv because the potential of getting called out in the audience is unnerving.)
As someone said below, board game nights are always fantastic -- fun and active but still small and contained (and again, with an easy endpoint).
As for museums, get a little creative with those, too. In the Bay Area, for example, we've got a Pinball Museum (with unlimited pinball play), a science museum with a "nightlife" once a week with different themes and DJs, many many distilleries (liquor, beer, sake, and wineries of course) with tastings and tours, cartoon museums, etc etc etc. Doesn't have to all be art and history.
And once you're comfortable enough with somebody, just going somewhere (or staying at home with someone) and reading or working can be really great, too.
Take a look at meetup.org. There may be meetings (talks) you would be interested in. Many meetup meetings are good for Introverts because you can sit and listen to the speaker, ask (or don;t ask) questions as you wish, be (or don't be) as social as you want. And you can learn something.
Consider professional groups or societies. These have regular meetings where, again, there's usually a speaker and "social" interaction is relaxed.
Go for a hike. Or a bicycle ride. Or a picnic. Or play board games or cards.
Join a book group or a knitting or needlepoint group, if that's your thing. Or any other "hobby" group. Or create one.
If you're a member of Mensa, look into the local chapter for activities (Many Mensans are Introverts). If you're not a member but think you might qualify, take the test (mensa.org).
My dream is to have no "face time" ever again.
I don't mind this when it's on my terms and with real people.
I do mind when it's for work and not necessary (e.g. a boss who can't believe you're working if he can't see you; a meeting that could be handled via email.)
But if you're not waiting for an invitation and you're happy to stay home, you should absolutely be allowed that! I think everyone should be allowed the right to control their personal space and interactions.
Pretty much every week, I get together with a small group of friends (2-5), and we either play a game or watch something on TV together. You know, something that provides enough organization and activity that we can all focus on it together, without being something that any of us would strongly prefer to do all by ourselves.
Everyone gets to have a little socialization and conversation in a stress-free, private atmosphere, plus an experience to share. It's basically a perfect way to spend an evening with friends, and an easy habit to develop.
At the end of the night, we figure out when we'll get together next week and agree to it in advance, so that game night or TV night doesn't get lost at the bottom of a pile of e-mail.
Great idea, Norman - I would love to be able to do this. Unfortunately, it was so much easier back in my college days, when I had a small circle of friends who all lived close by. I really miss the opportunity for this kind of interaction, without the stress of a big party.
I feel like this all the time and I've never known why until now. Thank you so much!
I very much relate to your article. Thank you for writing this it makes me feel good to know someone is putting info out there to help people understand why introverts act the way we do. It also helps us introverts to not feel so condemned for acting as we do but it also reminds us that the relationships we might desire are not always just going to magically appear in our lives, we have some responsibility. I'm going to wear my big girl pants more! :)
I relate and have been feeling this way lately. I am an introvert and can get shy socially. Sometimes I want to get together with another introvert or a small group of introverts but don't know how to make it happen. I wait for the other person to invite me, but it doesn't come and takes so much energy to reach out. I also don't know too many introverts well, I don't often reach out socially and those that reach out to me are often extraverts. I have an introverted acquaintance whom I met several years ago in a class. We have similar interests so we see each other every so often. We rarely say more than a few words to each other - each waiting for the other! Refreshing to read a validating article.
I felt happy reading this article. I know I'm an introvert, but I think I'm also shy, and I've spent a large part of my life thinking I should be an extrovert, someone with a lot of friends, at ease at a party, able to just call anyone and everyone and talk to strangers and make friends with complete ease. I'm still struggling with the whole process of accepting things about myself and articles such as yours help! One line that I really liked: "Then it requires actually sending an email. (Because, after all, this is an introvert you’re inviting. The telephone wouldn’t be appropriate.)"
hahaha! That is EXACTLY how I am. I respond SO much better when people send emails. When people call, I am most definitely not answering it unless it's someone I'm close to. And it makes my chances of responding lesser because I would need to call back which stresses me out. I wish people understood this. I tend to send emails or texts irrespective of who the other person is!
More information about formatting options
Sophia Dembling is a widely published Dallas, Texas-based writer. Look for her next book, Introverts in Love: The Quiet Way to Happily Ever After, coming in January 2015.
It can take a radical reboot to get past old hurts and injustices.