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We are all so very wonderful and yet--I'm sorry, but it must be said--we are not perfect. This blog has focused mostly on staking out turf in our culture for introverts, but now it's time to consider some things related to our introversion that might be interfering with our relationships and accomplishments. Many or most of us have probably made some of these mistakes at one time or another. Read More
I wish
I wish someone could have explained a few of these to me when I was younger, it took until my 20's to work them out for myself (and I'm sure there's a long way to go)
Tom, I share your sentiment.
Tom, I share your sentiment. I just read this and thought, boy if someone had told me this 30 years ago it may have saved me a lot of painful moments; however, the learning was worth it. I'm much more comfortable in my own skin then I've ever been! Looking forward to the rest of the journey.
You're lucky you were only in
You're lucky you were only in your 20s. I was almost 40!
Me too! Almost 38 and just
Me too! Almost 38 and just discovering why I am the way I am! Feel so much better now, this site has changed my life :-)
Frankly, I don't see how this
Frankly, I don't see how this page or any information on it is truly helpful to an introvert. Call it how you will but I'm quite content bypassing or not participating in small talk about weather and onion dip for a meaningful or at least different and stimulating conversation that I haven't had thousands of times in life. Instead of learning life lessons from a less than 2 minute read, pick up a good book, or watch a documentary and become comfortable with your ever turning wheels and let the deep take over. We're a dying breed. Hah, but don't get me started.......Idiots.
I am an extrovert
I am a big "E" for sure on the Myers-Briggs. I love reading this blog, however, since my husband and daughter are both introverts. It really gives me perspective on how they think and how to modify my own approaches to make them more comfortable. Now when I see these behaviors ( like the disdain for the phone ), I know and don't push it. Thanks for this.
Perfect Advice
I actually enjoy parties. I like to just hang around and listen to people but I don't talk much so I have to make an effort to be part of the conversation group or I'll get squeezed out because it I'm not participating. I'd be perfectly fine just sitting or standing by myself and listening but then I worry that I look weird.
Also the babbling thing, my level of tolerance for my own babbling is quite low, e.g. I hate it when I tack on a single uneccesary sentence or divulge too much information.
I second that.
I second your first part here. I'm content to listen and only speak if I have something relevant to contribute.
I'm trying to work on being more social though. The more I do it the easier it is. I still hate the cold open though...being the one who starts the conversation.
Mistakes Introverts Make
Third. I would totally go out more if I would just be allowed to hang around, listen and interject if I want to. That said, I much prefer parties with an activity instead of small talk. Dancing, games, anything. I find conversation flows better out of activities performed with others. Small talk alone strikes me as incredibly forced and awkward with a capital A.
I Fourth That!
Oh my gosh! Everything, everything!, is how I feel! Can't we just listen and interject like, twice during the entire conversation? If that much? I am so excited to find other people who feel the same way! :D
But imagine if the whole party was made of people like us... I find extroverts to be fun, if they don't expect the wrong things from you.
Appearing Aloof
Great post. Another mistake I would add is "appearing aloof/intimidating." Even though I'm an introvert there have been many times I haven't approached another introvert or chatted with them because I was intimidated by their aloofness. I've no doubt come across the same way at times. Making an effort to smile or ask the other person a question can help break that aloof facade.
I say once again
My readers rock! Great point!
Aloof vs. Aloft
Any tips on how to disengage from all the self-centered babblers I seem to be surrounded by?
enjoy their play a little while
if you could adopt some Shakespearean philosophy, i've found that if you attend their conversations as if you were a bit player in their production, the alternate perspective makes the panorama a little more enjoyable for both parties, and when you've had enough, comment that this was such a breath of fresh air but reluctantly you really must go/do/see...and you DO hope to see/talk to/catch up soon...smile a lot.
they get used to you flitting in and out, count you as a delightful audience while you are there, and don't notice when or how often you are not but you still get the benefit of having built up social capital.
At the risk of seeming "judgmental" or "aloof", i must say that i find playing jane goodall with extroverts a fascinating pastime.
So true! I've had men 10+
So true! I've had men 10+ years older than me tell me I'm intimidating (if you saw me physically, you'd laugh!) but apparently I tend to give off the same vibe sometimes. :\
So have I! I'm 5 feet tall,
So have I! I'm 5 feet tall, weigh about 115 pounds, people call me "cute," and I'm often very quiet, so there's really very little about me to be intimidating, but I get that all the time from people a foot taller. It seems quite ridiculous.
ditto
Same here. I think I bend over backwards too much at times to be liked--but still I apparently intimidate people with my quietness. Also the way I look at people. I think introverts have a more probing gaze.
Yet another one who intimidates others!
OMG, we should all form a club for people who inexplicably intimidate others! I'm an average-sized woman who intimidates 200-lb men. I have to really work on keeping a pleasant facial expression to appear approachable. I'll never forget how I first learned I suffer from this malady: My uncle was a teacher at my high school, and he told me a few years after I graduated that all the boys had been afraid of me. And there I was, always wondering why none of them asked me out!
The ridiculous intimidated
I agree, what is this intimidated bull about? I was always told how gorgeous I was and the only people that asked me out were nerdy guys who were introverts and other girls who happened to be lesbians or bisexual. The guys I've met since college and now having graduated, they are amazed that I'm single.
I have a feeling narrow minded people are off-put by introverts. But isn't it interesting how being introverted is felt by others in this way? By the sounds of it no matter what we do the intimidated will still find us intimidating. Ridiculous. We need more articles like this.
Intimidator?
Touché, Suzanne! But I really think - and I'm easily 55 percent introvert - that the Culture is so extroverted (read: outrageous and contentious) these days that anyone who just listens, observes and sees IS threatening to the loud and insecure folks desperately trying to grab our attention...
scary look
I can totaly relate to that! I am often being told that I have scary gaze, of course only by people who have enough self-esteem to touch that subject. They ask me whether I am mad at them or even whether I am feeling well, beacuse I look sick(!). I just find it awful at times. I try to smile, but then it just feels artifical and forced.
If I know someone fairly well, I reassure them that this is simply the way I am and that they shouldn't take it personally, but some of them just keep feeling uncomfortable, which of course I sense and which makes me even more akward and uncomfortable with them.....
My boyfriend is, I think, the only one who actually sees it as an advantage. He often laughs that I have some kind of superpower that makes grown men scared :) and tells me that I am very unique.
Intimidating
My son says that his friends find me intimidating, especially his girlfriends. Reminding myself of my introvert tendencies, I've made a concerted effort to keep my conversation lighter, make more smalltalk and not come across as so serious with his current girlfriend. While I've had some success (she likes me!) it doesn't feel natural and sometimes it's downright awkward and tiring but at least she doesn't think I hate her (as a previous one did). I wish that being introverted didn't equate with aloof, distant and intimidating.
You make it sound like
You make it sound like introversion is an illness which must be shamefully hidden. If people don't like you for who you genuinely are, then having them like you for who you aren't is not an improvement. It is the people who think you are intimidating that need to alter their attitude, not you. The cultural bias towards extroverted superficiality is crap. We as introverts shouldn't have to apologize to loud noisy people for committing the crime of minding our own business. We need to hold an introverted pride parade, or more appropriately, an introverted stay home alone but know we are united day.
Being Introverted Doesn't Mean We Have To Appear Aloof
I love the idea of the Introversion Pride Day :)
But I disagree that she makes it seem like a disease. I'm completely an introvert, but I understand that others might see excessive quietness, listening, and only serious conversation as uncomfortable, to say the least. There's no reason we can't act considerately towards other more extroverted people while still maintaining our introvertedness. We can still prefer to be alone, limit our chitchat, have more serious conversations, and listen more often than extroverts do. But we can also remember to smile, give a compliment or a "how was your day?" or something to make the girlfriend feel welcomed. Introverts can remember not to seem rude.
Kudos!
exactly said. we cannot expect them to be tolerant or understanding of our needs if we cannot be tolerant or understanding of theirs. we need each other for what we all bring to the table.
I know what you mean. I am a
I know what you mean. I am a teeny tiny thing, and yet, people seem to be afraid to approach me! Who knew?
people always find me too intimidating
OOH! My best friend always tells me I look SUPER BORED every time we go out to clubs or parties or bars, even when I'm not even bored, just watching & listening. Even as a teen, people told my mother that my gaze was scary and weird like I was looking into them. And EVERYONE who gets to know me a bit has told me I'm super intimidating & come off as b*tchy. Mind you, I'm female, almost but not quite 5'1 and very small all over. Who could be intimidated by that? Apparently EVERYONE. And the more I remind myself to smile & try to look interested, the faker it looks, and the more b*tchy I seem. :(
This might sound a little
This might sound a little self serving, but honestly, I'm used to adapting to extroverts. I've been conditioned to do it all my life. I know what the expectations are, and my biggest issue is that others don't respect or acknowledge my preferences the way I do theirs. I'm a little tired of always being the one making compromises and adapting.
And I think my biggest and most consistent mistake is not defending my boundaries enough. I'll let transgressions and intrusions go, figuring they'll be over soon enough; but that makes me resentful, it encroaches on my boundaries so the intrusions tend to escalate, and ultimately, I just end up avoiding the transgressors.
For some reason, there are people who need to be told clearly, bluntly, and sometimes repeatedly that it's not OK to, say, narrate movies while people are watching, LIVEBLOG A PRIVATE CONVERSATION TO FACEBOOK without the other party's knowledge (true story!), read through someone else's mail, or turn on their camera to casually scroll through and comment on the photos.
And, of course, the people who do things like that are always disproportionately emotional, so I try to avoid causing them offense, which makes them cry and yell and demand long, boring talks about their feelings. So I either don't say anything at all, I take the shortest route to end the situation (including sometimes pretending to agree with ridiculous things just to end a discussion), or I take on the responsibility, as though there's something fundamentally wrong with me. Oh, you know me, I'm just extra sensitive about that. It's like I'm brain damaged or something!
I really suck at this, but I think those things need to be addressed up front, and without casting yourself as damaged (which just turns you into some nightmarish "project" for the clueless extrovert). So respectively, "Please don't talk during the movie. I'm trying to watch it," go STRAIGHT UP NWA on the liveblogger with "Don't quote me boy, I ain't said [poo poo]," and, "Don't mess with my mail and/or my camera."
I don't make any of those other mistakes, though! Especially not that rambling chattering thing you're talking about. Nosiree, not me, no way ever.
LOL!! Truly laughing out loud
LOL!!
Truly laughing out loud here - thank you for that :)
Extroverts gotta love 'em cause its illegal to
..bump 'em off. LOL. Yes! I know these histrionic extroverts of whom you speak. My boss is one. They should be called intruderverts. There is no privacy as far as they are concerned because G-d knows; their lives are an open book.
They're the ones who you sit down with and five seconds later you know their whole life's story. Bless them, but they can be annoying. What I hate the most are the intrusive questions right off the bat. I'm like pardon me; do I know you that well? They're like clones of Dennis the Menace.
My husband is on the borderline. For some reason we sit down to watch a movie and he decides that this is the time to start talking to me about any number of subjects. I find this a perturbation of the enth degree! What I typically do is put the movie on pause. He’s slowly getting the picture. Yes, he’s an extrovert.
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