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Communication these days sure ain't what it used to be. Our three available bandwidths--letter, telephone, face-to-face--are now six, with the addition of e-mail, IM, and text. In fact, I'd even argue that Facebook is a seventh bandwidth, since its quirks and complexities make it a communication form unto itself, unlike anything that has come before. Read More
Thank you!
This is the best blog ever! I have forwarded it to two of my students who are fellow introverts, and they (as I) feel very comforted that someone knows and understands us. I'm also posting to facebook. The blog and your book are helping my wife (ultra-extravert) understand me.
As to the post - I HATE the phone! Long live email and writing, which require thought and coherence!
"(the phone call) is rude, it
"(the phone call) is rude, it puts us on the spot, and it is emotionally high-bandwidth, which is why it is so weirdly exhausting to be interrupted by one."
How about not answering it? Just because someone wants to talk to you doesn't mean you have to. You also don't have to answer an email, text, or doorbell if you don't want to. You control your time and technology, remember.
Works for this introvert, anyway.
Keep up the good work!
Agreed
Not answering is perfectly acceptable! I've always considered that a phone call is an interruption on the same level as any other. If I am doing something that I would not allow someone to interrupt in person, I don't allow an interruption by phone. It's always bugged me that most people will interrupt a F2F conversation with me to answer the phone but won't interrupt a phone call to talk to me if I walk into the room.
I often prefer email to
I often prefer email to phone--especially when I have to talk about something uncomfortable. It's just easier for me to edit myself as I go and have my thoughts in place.
That said, I think the danger in email--I don't know about texting--is often meanings are misconstrued. Or comments sound more harsh than intended...because there is no body language or voice tone to give off cues.
I've been taken the wrong way more than once--and have certainly misinterpreted others' meanings in email.
missing cues
While it is true that misunderstanding can happen in writing because the reader has to immagine the tone of voice by reading between the lines and digging into their memory of the person writing, it seems to me that plenty of misunderstandings happen face to face as well.
I have always been ultra sensitive to tone of voice and frequently hear nuances in people's tone which they weren't aware of or intending to communicate. Often this is a kind of bleed-over from other things which are effecting someone emotionally that are irrelevant to their conversation with me. Yet there are plenty of times when it's just a misinterpretation, a case where they don't personally distinguish that tone as meaning the same thing I would intend by it. Thus I've found that with certain people I actually experience fewer misunderstandings in writing than when talking.
Although sometimes things can sound harsher without tone and facial expession, sometimes they can also sound much less harsh, making it easier to stop and think and realise what someone is actually saying without being distracted by the emotional charge that can sometimes rile us up before we've really heard or understood someone. In my own experience I've found I can enjoy a debate over something with someone on ichat, but in person I usually start feeling attacked (and loose my ability to think clearly) because of someone's tone of voice when they counter one of my points or state their oppinion as if it's so obviously correct that it sounds to me like they must think I'm stupid. Most of the time they really aren't trying to imply any dislike for me, but it's hard for me to turn off that ultra-sensitive tone-interpreter in my mind.
Reading the straight words without hearing intended or unintended tones (no matter who or what they're really directed at) can in some cases really help me connect better with people.
Perhaps it may also help with something Sophie mentioned in another post about listening 'hard' to all the layers. Cutting back some of that incoming information may help one to focus on the actual conversation and a bit less on the other things going on in the background which we might pick up from a person's expressions.
oops I just re-read this
oops I just re-read this after sending and noticed I miss-typed Sophia - sorry!
Never liked the phone
Great post! I've never liked the phone. I always thought it was part of being a guy, so maybe I just have a double-dose as a guy and as an introvert.
I do hope that CMC (mostly) replaces phone contact. Sure, people tend to misconstrue meanings from email, but I believe that's more a function of a breakdown in eloquence. Before the telephone people generally corresponded by letter, which has the same limitations (e.g. no voice inflection or body language). Letters from that time are much more descriptive and detailed than the emails of our era. Also, something to remember in our CYA society: an email is tangible proof of a conversation. A telephone call is hearsay.
I, too, believe that technology is there to serve me, not vice versa. I don't pay a monthly smart-phone bill to be instantly accessible, I pay it to have instant access (to servers, not necessarily people). I don't check my email from my phone so that I can reply immediately, I do it so I can start my internal think/solve/formulate-reply process sooner.
The phone has its place
I really am not a huge fan of phone calls. But I think e-mail can be very dangerous. I read somewhere that you should never say no by e-mail. And I try to live by that rule.
Also, I think texting and IMing are even more intrusive than the phone.
the dark side of CMC
While I like and prefer e-mail and IMs and texting to phone calls (hell, I prefer ANYTHING to phone calls), I have to admit that the major downside of them is that it becomes really easy to procrastinate.
For example, I get an e-mail on Monday, and if I don't feel like replying right away, that's fine...but then Tuesday I'm busy doing other stuff, and Wednesday it just slips my mind, and then it's next week and it's honestly just pure luck if I spot the message still in my inbox and manage to reply to it. Sometimes it feels like I'm using e-mail as a way to dodge communication entirely, not a way to communicate better or more comfortably.
As a side note, as rarely as I use the phone these days, I've become more aware of what I'm doing when I do use it: I pace around constantly, stalking from room to room, looking out windows and in mirrors and at photographs, just burning off gigawatts of nervous energy with meaningless physical movement requiring no attention. I can't split my attention effectively between the phone conversation and an actual task (trying just means I do a poor job at both), but I can't just sit there and chat with a disembodied voice on the handset, either, so I end up wearing out the carpet instead. No wonder I always feel like phone calls are an unwelcome and unpleasant interruption!
telephone busywork
You're not alone! If you haven't already, read my previous post on the telephone. I talk about this very thing. Try Freecell. Or cleaning the kitchen counters.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-introverts-corner/201002/dont-ca...
exactly!
That is exactly why I've hated phone calls all my life. I hate that wasted time fiddling with things. I hate watching other people do it while they talk on the phone too. It's so boring and annoying. The phone by itself just isn't engaging enough, but when you try to do anything else it's too much - or you don't have the hands to do it and when you try holding it with your shoulder you just get a huge kink in your neck (which in my case usually results in a headache the rest of the day, ug.)
I hear you on the procrastination too. I've made a rule for myself that I just don't open anything that I don't think I'll have time to respond to. Which means I have to make time to sit and respond if I'm going to read my email. It does take some discipline, and it doesn't always work, when you were expecting a short note from someone and got something that requires some real attention instead. But it does help a bit then because if I haven't responded then it's still marked unread in my box. It also helps to have one email adress I only give to my friends, so I know when I check it it's not going to have a bunch of semi-interesting stuff from organizations, newsletters, or companies I've ordered stuff from.
As much as I hate the phone,
As much as I hate the phone, I do love it when I'm talking to someone I really enjoy. The only people I never ignore are my Mom and Sis. They get my attention no matter what I'm doing, and if I can't answer when they call, they always get an immediate text to explain why.
We've definitely built this relationship with time. They both are women who can talk, but they have learned that I may not be all the time. I give them at least 5 minutes to make their point and they let me go when they can tell I'm not in the mood for an extended chat. In return, they are always willing to lend an ear when I'm in the mood to talk.
On a side note, I like to give myself manicures and pedicures when on the phone for a while. It's the only time I'm actually willing to put that much attention into my nails!
The great interrupter
And, he continues, the phone call "deserves to die." It's rude, it puts us on the spot, and it is "emotionally high-bandwidth, which is why it is so weirdly exhausting to be interrupted by one."
Whenever I see a comment like this about the telephone, I recall a remark by French Impressionist Edgar Degas I once read. He was visiting a friend when the (then very novel) telephone rang. His comment was along the lines of, "Ah, now I understand how it works. It rings and you jump."
And that aspect of it hasn't changed since Degas' day. I wouldn't be a bit sad if I woke up tomorrow and all the telephones had disappeared.
great anecdote!
I love it, and so little has changed. Thanks!
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