The Introvert's Corner

I have hated phone calls my whole life, but I always thought it was because I had social anxiety. I never attributed it to being an introvert though, interesting!
I blogged about the same thing last year... http://www.depressedles.com/2009/02/10/scary-phone-calls/

I stumbled onto Psychology Today and your Introvert blog when I was looking up brain wave therapy, and I have been reading your articles. I can relate to just about EVERYTHING you say! It has been so nice to read the words of someone who really understands introversion. I thought it was just me who wondered why extroverts always want to make introverts do unpleasant things in the name of fun. (My own theory is that extroverts are insecure and they want to make reasonable people participate in foolish activities with them so that they can feel justified in their behavior.)
And I get very frustrated by the church requests to do things like teach Sunday school, or host fellowship hour, or visit with strangers. Not in my skill set.
But the reason I just had to write is that I hate the phone too! As a moderately shy introvert, I have never liked the phone. Only about 8 people have my cell number and 5 of them are family members, and I keep the phone off most of the time. All four of us in my family are introverts and none of us like to answer the phone. My husband got me caller ID for Christmas one year and it has been wonderful. My mother-in-law is visiting and she can't understand that we let the phone ring if we don't know who it is (and often if we do) so she kept answering and handing me the phone. I took the handset out of the room she is in so she can't do that anymore. Years ago, I thought a long time about why I hate talking on the phone and while I agree with all your answers (I was newly ADD diagnosed here in my middle age, so the boredom thing is doubly true), I think it is because I can't see the other person's expressions and that part of communication is very important to me. More so than whatever the person is saying. Thank God for email and facebook. Keep up the great blog and thanks.

It's good to know I'm not alone. A friend called today but I just couldn't answer because I wasn't expecting the call. I love email and can respond to those immediately, but I have to mentally prepare for talking on the phone. Usually, I let the phone ring and call back when I feel ready to talk.

For me it's mostly point 1 and a little bit of 2. The phone is the only media that demands my immediate attention and can't be fit into my own schedule. If I get an IM and I'm busy, I'll just leave it hanging for a few minutes. Facebook I read when I have the time. If the phone rings, I can either answer NOW or not answer at all. I really dislike that.

There is a professional side to this issue as well. In a job situation, many people use the phone as an easy way to get in touch with others. It is however very intrusive compared to the alternatives such as mail, and it requires almost no work on behalf of the caller. I have found a solution that works for this however. If I'm busy and my phone rings at work, I may simple not answer it. Try it, it works. If it's really important, they will call again or find another way to contact you or solve the problem.

I would like to say that I am an extrovert. But I do hate talking on the phone. I find that speaking on the phone to anyone is a waste of time. If it is not someone that is completely adored or in love with, what is the need to be on the phone. I have a distaste for people that walk and talk on the phone. I find it disrespectful to the person that they are talking to, and others around.

When I talk to someone on the phone i am usually direct and short. If we can't get on to another subject, the phone call will end shortly within 5 seconds flat. Till then I will likely meet up with them later in the day to have a real conversation.

I really don't think that you can connect introversion to phones in this way.

Or maybe I may be a displaced introvert.

It's the not-knowing-who's-on-the-other-end that has trained me in my phone deficiency, I think! This isn't always an issue in the age of the cell/mobile phone, but certainly growing up with a landline, and working an office answering phones without caller ID, it totally is!

The stranger on the other end of the line is an unknown quantity - they could demand you communicate with them in a certain way (as you say, chitchat), or even just ask difficult/not-immediately-answerable questions. This pings my anxiety of not interacting with strangers/new people in the way deemed normal (i.e. extroverted).

When you're on email, as you say, you can take time to parse what they're saying and formulate your response. Even in person, you can take more cues from their body language - and literally see them coming. You can avoid talking to strangers in person. You can't if you don't know who's on the other end when you pick up the phone.

I think I maxed out the I questions on the MBPT. In a work setting, where I must interact with others to perform my occupation, 1 and 3 ring very true--I do not care for impromptu phone conversations because I think slowly and resent being ripped from my previous activity. To my interlocutors, this probably makes me look like a mean curmudgeon or maybe worse, as a pushover since we come to the same ideas, with me just trailing them in a consensus.

I tend to feel differently given the day, however. In the beginning of the week when I have several days of email to go over, I resent being interrupted. Later on, I need time to sit and think.

I would submit that the telephone is not as intrusive to this as the continual IMs from people who've come to expect an answer to a question within 60 seconds. In my office we've come rely on IM as a virtual replacement of the phone in many situations, with the result that it's harder to ignore and answering is more or less required in very short time frames.

Also, I had a difficult time adjusting to idea brainstorm meetings where "s/he who fought for their idea hardest and loudest, won." This is a game I'd rather not play at all--since I cannot form counter-arguments quickly, let alone "on the spot." One previous supervisor saw me "not playing" in a meeting and chastised me by saying "You, know it's OK to *talk* in these meetings." I forced myself to find one thing to say in each meeting to satisfy her and to convince my colleagues I'm not a curmudgeon, just wired differently then they are. A result of my disdain for the IM/meeting issues is that I have to outperform my colleagues to gain an equal amount of respect on the job.

This blog has been a real service to us in the introverted herd. Keep up the great work!

Bookmarked this article to show all the extroverts i know that dont seem to understand or believe i Have to use the phone because its expected of succesful people. I also realized that i used the same technique to focus my mind on an uninteresting discussion or conversatoin. When i was in school and the teacher was lecturing, usually in history class, i would doodle and draw to concentrate on what was being said.

I think another part of the phone/introversion experience is that you are not able to focus the attention entirely away from yourself, like when you can talk to someone online or face to face you dont have to just focus on the words said and way they are said, especially if its chit chat. When your online and when your face to face and your not in deep conversation, you also have the option to share external things and sometimes almost avert the attention from yourself to something else, an object, a game, a book, a link or site, an idea. In a way i think just being on the phone, and sometimes even things like skype, theres a pressure to keep the attention focused on yourself instead of whatever the topic of the conversation is.(Or if the topic is yourself, somehow it just zooms in on your inadaquecies.)

It just seems like your playing a sport where all your talents/skills are opposite of what the game requests of you.

I have always hated talking on the phone and envy those like my husband who seem to do it naturally, because it does seem the only way to nurture long-distance friendships. I usually let the friendship die, unfortunately.

All of your points are definitely true, especially the interruptive aspect of the phone, which just seems to completely throw me off and also annoys me. The other person picks up on my annoyance and then they get their feelings hurt because I don't want to stop reading or cooking dinner or whatever to talk to them. Another commenter pointed out that you can't see the other person's facial expressions, and that is definitely a factor for me. I need those cues to remain engaged in the conversation.

But I think the main thing is that phone conversations frequently have very little point, don't allow for proper thought and reflection before responding and don't provide important visual cues, which all serve to make them very uncomfortable for the introvert.

I agree that telephones are intrusive and don't give you as much time to think as written responses.

I also think that one of the reasons that telephone conversations are harder than in-person conversations is that you can't see the other person and thus don't get any non-verbal cues. I find that telephone conversations drift into silence more often than in-person conversations, probably because over the telephone I can't see the other person's expression and thus don't know when to change the topic.

No - I hate the telephone. Avoid it with a passion! Of the reasons you listed, #3 probably rings most true to me. I don't think on the fly and conversations like that on the phone are awkward. Unless it's someone I know very well, I always envision the other person thinking to themselves as I try to put my thoughts together,"she's a weirdo, why isn't she saying anything"!

Also, I think that a big issue for me when I'm on the phone is that I can't pick up on subtle ques from the other person's facial expressions. It's hard to read another person's face and body language when you can't see them. That is big for me when I am talking to another person. How they are internally responding to what I am saying and where they might take the conversation next are a huge part of a conversation for me and I have no idea when I can't see them!!

Caller ID is wonderful, as is email, facebook, etc. Everything on my time! :-)

Love the article, your reasons spoke to me completely. I resonate with reason# 1 the most, reasons # 2 and # 3 are very true to me as well.

Sometimes receiving a phone call from someone feels extremely intrusive, as I don't like being interrupted when I am doing my own things; I feel like I am forced to have a conversation with someone when they call. I like emails and facebook messages with which I can take my time to reply!

Phone calls feels very chit-chatty, and I get bored with chit-chats. I much prefer meeting a friend or two and having face to face deep conversations, and really dislike talking on the phone.

As a fellow introvert, I related to much of what you wrote. I too, dislike the phone and tend to have a hard time with the first few minutes of a phone call. My theory has always been that introverts tend to live very far inside their own minds, and can't necessarily be "snapped out" or "snapped away from" wherever there thoughts typically wander to. Yet a sudden phone call aims to do just that, and by humoring it, we're going against our own natural inclination to let our brains do their own thing.

As a fellow introvert, I related to much of what you wrote. I too, dislike the phone and tend to have a hard time with the first few minutes of a phone call. My theory has always been that introverts tend to live very far inside their own minds, and can't necessarily be "snapped out" or "snapped away from" wherever there thoughts typically wander to. Yet a sudden phone call aims to do just that, and by humoring it, we're going against our own natural inclination to let our brains do their own thing.

Many of these points ring true for me, including the intrusiveness of the phone and the trapped feeling. I have a few friends who ask "Whatcha doing?" when they call, and it makes me feel like I am supposed to be accountable to them for whatever I am doing that day. (My own paranoid assumption, but still....)