The Intelligent Divorce

And further unorthodox advice on relationships, marriage and parenting

Why Nice People Cling to Bad Boys (or Girls) Part II

Narcissists often are more interested in being in love with love rather than being in love with you. Romance is a high that may not last; and this can mean misery if you have a penchant for being needy. This piece looks at people who have decided to change a destructive relationship and what can happen as a result. Read More

Interesting to me that this

Interesting to me that this article, despite citation of incidences of relationship violence, makes no mention of the fact that the vast majority of relationship violence is committed by men. I think given the seriousness of the subject matter and what is at stake in terms of possible lives lost, that mentioning this fact would be incredibly important. It is rather silly to go so far into the realm of political correctness that you ignore reality and fail to serve those you might help.

Solid Feedback

Thanks. I thought it was implied and that the problem of male violence was well known, but your point is fair and well taken. I will make a correction in the piece.


At least 95% of domestic

At least 95% of domestic abuse involves men abusing their wives or girlfriends. Your article clearly implies that it is more like 50/50, and while you state in the previous comment that you would "clear that up" by making a correction, I don't see any.

Moreover, not only is almost all domestic abuse (emotional, verbal, physical and more) perpetuated by men, even in those cases where women are abusive, they rarely kill their partners, while abusive men are responsible for a good number of homicides every year.

Your article does a grave disservice to the millions of women in this country suffering the effects of emotional, verbal, psychological and physical abuse. While women can be narcissitic, they rarely do the kind of damage that a narcissistic man does. Having personally experienced this, and knowing many other women who have also experienced domestic abuse, or are still in abusive situations, I am frustrated and discouraged to see the myth perpetuated here that women also abuse in numbers that compare to men. It doesn't even come close.

Grave Disservice

To Anne Bodee-Galivan,
Thank you for your input. I value it.
Yes, men are violent aggressors against women the majority of the time. That is a sad and terrible fact.

Look, I just don't know how to respond to your comment.
It is written with intelligence and care.
So, I want to respond in kind.

Have you looked over the body of my work?
I get criticized for picking on men and for picking on women.
In this piece I tried to be counter-intuitive in order to wake the reader up to the notion that abuse is bad, no matter who is doing it.

I don't mean to whitewash men.
And, in other pieces, I don't mean to whitewash women.

These are charged subjects.



While I agree with the prior comment factually, I think you provide a service by illustrating how women can be abusive in relationships. Actual physical violence is easy to identify. Emotional abuse is much more subtle.

IMO the "politically correct" point of view is to acknowledge that there is violence by men against women and that such violence is unacceptable. There is no serious dispute over that. Illustrating how "emotional violence" works and both genders can be the "perps" is helpful to the discussion of appropriate boundaries in relationships.

Great Article.


Men are more violent. Period.
But, women can be violent and emotional abuse, from any quarter is wrong. I will be writing more about these things in coming blogs.

I am glad you enjoyed the piece. It means a lot to me.


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Mark Banschick, M.D., is a psychiatrist and author of The Intelligent Divorce book series.


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