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Video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HFE0-LfUKgA
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In continuation of our series on raising healthy children, we will be going over some things to consider when planning a vacation with the kids post divorce.
It was my college break and I was enjoying some Florida sunshine, when all of the sudden I saw someone from high school pass by. He comes over to me to chat, and then out of nowhere asks “who’s that other girl with your Dad, is that your cousin or something?” The “cousin” he was talking about is my Dad’s girlfriend. Even though it’s been three months, I haven’t actually made it public that my parents split up, let alone tell people that my Dad is dating someone that could pass for his niece.
I faked sick the rest of the vacation to make sure I wasn’t seen again.
- Unhappy Daughter, Age 19
As the days get shorter and the temperature lower a lot of families will be heading for vacation spots for a much needed respite. Family trips are about fun, bonding and creating good memories. They allow for quality time with your children, whether it’s soaking up sunshine, skiing down a mountain or just going on a road trip visiting sites. Kids going through divorce need vacations just as badly as everyone else, so it's in everyone’s interest to plan them well.
Divorce is a change in the structure of the family, so your vacation will have a different feel to it than when the family was together; it's just the way it is. The kids, whether they are five or twenty five deserve a break that is free of nagging reminders of what is wrong. Remember, there is a lot that is right and a good vacation post divorce can solidify a child’s sense that everything will be okay in the end.
The Good News: If you are going through stress, without doubt your kids are feeling it too. A well planned vacation that is fun and light on stress can be just what the doctor ordered – for everyone.
The Risk: Vacations can be an emotional minefield - especially around the Holidays. Perhaps this is your child’s first Holiday season since the divorce. A new Christmas Eve or Chanukah celebration without their parents being together is already a big transition. Parents who are planning on traveling over the Holidays or over New Year’s should be aware of the risks of a vacation that has gone poorly, as well as the rewards for a trip that builds new and satisfying memories. Here are some mistakes to be avoided in anticipation of a divorce related vacation.
- You make the Vacation too Long: Some children aren’t ready to be away from one parent for more than a few days. A vacation that is too lengthy can trigger separation anxiety in young ones.This will depend on how old your children are and the terms of your custody. Young children are especially vulnerable to this; note that kids are not always aware of how upsetting being away from Mom or Dad is until you are already far from home (not good). Figure out how long your children usually spend with you and gauge an appropriate amount of time from that. Even some older kids might feel a lack of stability which can be dealt with by talking about the vacation beforehand and checking in to make sure they are ready.
- Communicating Too Much or Too Little: When appropriate, make sure you plan times for your kids to talk to your ex spouse – their other parent – during the vacation, and consider differences in time zone. Communicate with your ex in advance, and help him or her resist the temptation to “check in” constantly. An occasional moment on the phone can be reassuring. However, sometimes the separation isn’t felt by the kids alone and a parent’s normal anxiety – post divorce – needs to be kept in check. Cooperation will make the situation easier on everyone.
- Your Vacation Replaces a Tradition: We are creatures of habit, and as such like to go back to certain places again and again. You may assume – incorrectly – that going back to your failsafe vacation spot will bring joy and relief to your kids. After all, you all know the place, right? While it is true that traveling to the old family vacation spot will surely bring up happy memories for your kids of better times, these good feelings will likely follow with sad thoughts about the divorce. It's not a bad idea to start fresh with an unvisited place, where new memories can be made, and old, good memories needn’t risk being tainted.
- You Bring Along a “New Friend”: Just because your kids haven’t made a big scene doesn’t mean they are ready to go away with your girlfriend or boyfriend. Bringing someone you are in a loving, caring relationship with may seem like a right and not a privilege, but remember, your kids come first. Vacationing without Mom or Dad is already a big change, especially if it is the first or second vacation they have been on since your divorce. Your children – including adult children - need time to accept that change. They have been through a lot and this could bring about a ton of resentment towards you and your partner. Consider how they relate to the two of you at home. Do they know you two sleep in the same bed? Seeing the two of you together in a vacation setting can be more turbulent than the occasional dinner together at home. If you are unsure if it has been long enough since your divorce to bring your girlfriend or boyfriend on a trip, then it has not been long enough. We recommend waiting at least one year.
- You Try and “Outdo” Your Ex: Don’t try to win over your kids with a vacation. If you constantly indulge them with things you never would have done when you and your ex were still married, your children may feel like they are being asked to choose sides. They will feel like their love is for sale. Of course, they will take whatever you have to give them, but it may not end well. Spoiling your kids to prove your love is not a helpful approach to parenting. Plus, a sensitive child may feel guilty for enjoying a lavish trip while Mom or Dad is stuck at home – it is unnecessary. Focus on spending quality time together. Love and fun counts the most.
Remember, change is inevitable and your children will adjust. A vacation can be a time to show them that the changes that have occurred are not the end of the world. This outlook can be very beneficial and can cut through the gloom that sometimes comes with the Holidays following a divorce. Respect the old memories you all have, but don't let that prevent you from stepping up and making new ones.
