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This article is a rewrite of a blog originally published on Divorced Women Online. I'm including some comments from the discussion there in hopes to further the conversation. "How much truth is too much truth" is a topic that comes up all the time.
Truth is a great value, but it is not the only value by which we live. When it comes to kids, their health and well-being trumps everything else. We bring them into the world fresh and innocent. If you're going through a divorce, your children were probably born into an intact family. This is what they know - a solid, caring team who loves them.
Much will change with a divorce. A child is no longer able to be with both of their parents at the same time, and under the same roof. Their sense of security is challenged as they are forced to adapt to a new way of life.
Do you really want to tell them all of the truth? Do you need to tell them all of it? Should they know that their father had an affair and left their mother (and them)? Do you want them to know about their mother's alcoholism, or that Mom and Dad haven't had sex for the last ten years? I'm not so sure.
There are two key assumptions that underpin the relationship between truth and an intelligent divorce: there is a lot in life that should be private, and parents need to protect their kids' innocence. This means that they need not know everything, and that explicit details are often better left unsaid. In my mind, their mental health often trumps the truth.
This opinion is not always embraced by parents, particularly by those parents who feel victimized in a divorce. This is understandable. If you are hurt or angry, you may want your child to carry the same opinion about your ex-spouse. Your child should know that his father is a bad man, and, most importantly, that he did wrong by his family. But here's something to remember: your children are not you. They are entitled to their own opinions. Twenty years from now, your adult child will have perspective to reflect on what happened. In the meantime, a childhood spent with both parents, unencumbered by information that is too hot to handle, is the best recipe for a good life after divorce.
So what about the truth? In most cases, it's best to keep the full truth to yourself because it's safe to say that the truth hurts. A thirteen year old obviously processes information about her parents differently than does a thirty year old. Yet, when you come home late at night, tired and upset, there she is waiting to talk to you. Just be careful what you say. We have an obligation to provide our kids with a childhood that is as innocent as possible. It is not a perfect world, but innocence is a principle that really counts.
Now, if a parent is violent, disturbed, or grossly mismanaging a child, his access needs to be limited. That's what the courts are for. If your child is exposed to wonton and dangerous behavior - like an alcoholic rage or abuse - there will be a need for her to understand what's happening, including that Mommy or Daddy has a problem. In these dire cases, when a parent is periodically out of control, it is wise to have a therapist work with you and your children. They may need a neutral adult with whom to share their worries; this way your children will not feel like they have to choose sides. In these unhappy scenarios, you too may benefit from a therapist in order to gain some perspective on what needs to be said. You don't want to poison the kids against their other parent, but you do need to keep them safe and psychologically grounded.
Children will ultimately come to their own conclusion about their parents. If a parent is selfish and withdrawn, most children will eventually understand. And if a parent is heavy handed in criticism of the other parent, it may come back to haunt them many years down the road. It's simply their call whether your children have negative opinions about their mother or father, not yours.
At the end of the day, it's their relationship. And that, my friends, is the truth.
Morten says:
I agree that explicit details sometimes are better left unsaid, however I think that often the truth is to be preferred to either a “white lie” or, even worse, to completely ignore a situation. “Do you want them to know about their mother’s alcoholism?” Why not? Depends on a lot of things of course, the children’s age, the consequences of the alcoholism and so on, but why not give a truthful, children adopted, explanation of mom’s irrational behavior? Ignoring the problem just makes the children confused and frustrated – why is their mother behaving like she is?
I agree that children shouldn’t be told everything and definitely not every detail, but lying or avoidance is not the solution.
Leanne says:
