The Human Spark

The science of human development

Hyping Sex

The worry about mutual orgasms in marriage is causing troubles. Read More


My husband's total lack of interest in sex and intimacy has destroyed the spousal marriage. And no amount of doing "other stuff" is going to make up for this lack of intimacy.

For it seems that once his male desire for me faded (after the new relationship energy dissapated), all the pair bonding behaviors went with it. That means that for some of us, there will be - as long as we stay married, no kissing, no hugging, no intimacy - nothing. Is there laughter? Yes. Is there some shared memories? Yes. Is there platonic support?

But is there spousal sexual intimacy? NO.

Now, I know that the lack of sex is a symptom of deeper issues, and I tried for four years to build intimacy. After four years I shifted the husband into roommate and responsible financial partner status (because that is, in reality, what he was, by his actions and what we were living), informed him (so there isn't deception) that I would no longer live without intimacy, and got back with an old lover. I now have intimate love in my life in a way that I did not with my husband.

The irony of it all is that my husband is physically healthy and fully functional and refused to participate in intimacy. My long term lover (who has diabetes) has full on ED and we make love fully.

So often, at least for woman, when the sex goes, so does the pair bonding intimate behaviors.

Wow, how come you stayed with

Wow, how come you stayed with him. Financial reasons?
How frustrating it must have felt.

wise post

It is great to see Dr. Kagan, whose influence on the field of developmental psychology has been enormous, contribute to the PT blog community. Thank you for this insightful and sane post.

Sad isn't it...

Sad isn't it what we have become?

I am not a religious man at all, but as I am getting older (and wiser) and as I am watching Western Society descend into deeper decadence and decay, I realize that religion had its benefits.

The pill, liberalism,feminism and Hollywood are not entirely bad but they contributed to turning most people into dysfunctional hedonists

Behaviors that were immoral and totally unacceptable only a few decades ago are now celebrated and encouraged in pop culture

When I was in my twenties ( 30 years ago ), only strippers and prostitutes were dressing a certain way or had tattoos

now most women under 40 dress that way and have tattoos

back then very high "platform" shoes for women were called " stripper shoes" now most women wear those shoes

when I was in my twenties women who got drunk and picked up a different man every week in bars were rare and were looked down, now most women under 30 are doing that

Back when I was in my twenties a book such as "Fifty shades of Grey" would not have sold over 70 millions copies.

Myself, I don't even believe in God but I think the fear of God had its use for those who did believe ( and they were the majority )

people have no moral compass anymore, there is decadence everywhere, we are in decay , how is this going to end???

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Jerome Kagan, Ph.D., is an emeritus professor of psychology at Harvard University and one of the pioneers of the field of developmental psychology. His latest book is The Human Spark.


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