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Even in the most extreme situation, feeling victimized is neither productive nor adaptive. Read More
Say that you know that you
Say that you know that you "would rather feel justified in complaining endlessly about [your] unfortunate circumstances while passively registering [your] dissatisfaction than actively changing [your] situation." Say that you know you might not be *able* to change your situation -- after all, you couldn't during the years that you did try. And say you know that even if you can, it will be very, very hard.
Why should you change your mind and start preferring to try to change your situation?
How can you convince yourself to do so?
feeling victimized
I definitely relate to your feelings, because I feel victimized when it comes to some of my life circumstances. There are some things that cause me a lot of pain, and it is so so hard for me to just change how I feel when I feel so much pain regarding a specific issue. It's hard to feel like you can have control when there is so much pain. Compassion for your feelings and feeling like you have a right to your sadness needs to happen before you can feel like you can pick yourself up and face things just how they are in life. If you don't know how to fix the situation of course you are going to feel like a victim, and you have a right to this stance. I guess maybe letting yourself feel that it is unfair but that you deserve to feel happy and in control is a start. If you have tried for years then of course you are going to feel that way, but holding it in your heart that you deserve happiness will make you feel rightful entitlement and will give you some sense of control that might be soothing.
I hear you
I am delightfully surprised to see you here and hope you continue to blog on this post. I have your books and have enjoyed them as I find you provide a unique perspective.
The victim stance is so pervasive and I have made an effort to become consciously aware to not play the role. It is pervasive. In addition to your observations - I often think of your description in the book and above about the deer and although in most areas of my life I feel highly functional, I have been that deer on occasion. I feel it is important to own it and become curious about the roles we take on. I love Caroline Myss program Why People Don't Heal in which she addresses the language of woundology and how we as a culture have developed relationships around how we have been harmed by others. As she notes, it is all PERCEPTION and I believe you are pointing that out as well.
My life has improved dramatically over the past 10 years as I have come to recognize that I largely create my own life by my perceptions about life. And as you mention relative to Victor Frankl, even when we are not in control of outer events we have the choice of how to respond. I have worked with inmates in a prison setting and focused on this with a group of "lifers". I find people like Victor Frankl and Nelson Mandela inspiring.
Most of all, I love this life that I have the opportunity to create and largely enjoy!
I've been hoping for ages that you would do a workshop at Esalen sometime! While I usually enjoy most hanging out in the hottubs and eating yummy food, I would actually take the workshop if you showed up there.
In any event, warm regards!
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