The How and Why of Sex Differences

Sexually dimorphic psychological adaptations

by Michael Mills, Ph.D.

Why Don't Women Ask Men Out on First Dates?

Despite greater equality, women still don't ask. Why?

Published on April 30, 2011 by Michael Mills, Ph.D. in The How and Why of Sex Differences

(Listen to this post, or right-click to download mp3.)

There are two ways to attempt to initiate a romantic relationship: either by making a direct verbal proposal (e.g., "Would you like to go out on a date with me Saturday night?"), or, to display primarily non-verbal signals that indicate interest and receptivity and wait for the other person to do the asking. The first method has been termed a "risky initiative" (Farrell, 1986), the latter nonverbal flirting behaviors are often called "proceptive behaviors" (Moore, 1985; 2002).

First Time Risky Relationship Initiatives

First time risky initiatives are direct and unambiguous requests that have not been made previously, and that will either be clearly accepted or rejected. Because risky initiatives are unambiguous, they cannot be misinterpreted. In the film "When Harry Met Sally" Harry makes a risky initiative that Sally finds offensive, so he says "I take it back." Sally replies: "You can't take it back, it is already out there." First time risky initiatives are especially salient because the initiator has no previous history of acceptance by the target person.   Because the response to the initiation is uncertain, Farrell (1986, p 126) noted: "The 'first time' is the most important time, when the risk of rejection is by far the greatest."

Nonverbal Proceptive Signaling

In contrast, proceptive relationship initiation signals are typically open to various interpretations. In the film "The Graduate" Mrs. Robinson gives proceptive nonverbal signals to her daughter's friend Ben, who says: "You are trying to seduce me, Mrs. Robinson. Aren't you?" (italics added) The potential ambiguity of proceptive signals leaves the signaler less open to direct personal rejection since such initiations can be seen as either an initiation, or as just very friendly behavior. Monica Moore (1985; 2002) has catalogued a variety of nonverbal proceptive behaviors, including smiling, brief glances, raising of the eye brows, hair flips, drawing attention to attractive parts of the body, etc. Clark (2008) found that the use of nonverbal "proceptive behaviors" generally makes someone of the opposite sex more attractive. However, these behaviors were rated to be most effective when they are performed by women, rather than by men.

The Traditional Courtship Script:   Females Give Proceptive Signals / Males Make Risky First Time Relationship Initiatives

While women sometimes do make risky first time relationship initiatives, men have traditionally been expected to make the great majority of them. Men generally have done the asking for a first date, while women have generally given proceptive signals of interest or receptivity to such a request.   If a woman accepts a first date, men have been expected to make additional first time risky relationship and sexual initiatives as their relationship develops (Farrell, 1986).

For example, if a newly dating, heretofore platonic heterosexual couple, go out for the first time on a movie date together, the woman might signal her willingness to hold hands proceptively -- perhaps by placing her hand on the chair arm rest next to him. If he actually reaches out to hold her hand, that would be considered a risky first time initiative. His intent cannot be misinterpreted, nor could her acceptance or rejection.

See All Stories In

Reading The Opposite Sex

Can men and women ever understand each other?

Find a Therapist

Search for a mental health professional near you.

Find Local:

Here are a few brief video clips from television shows of males making risky initiatives, females engaging in nonverbal proceptive signaling, and a brief clip from an interview with social psychologist Monica Moore describing proceptive signaling. (Heads up: audio is a bit out of sync.)

Today, Are Women Asking Men Out on First Dates? No.

One might think that after decades of increasing equality between the sexes, women might be doing more of the asking. To see if this is the case, I recently conducted a study, along with two of my students, Agata Janiszewska and Leslie Zabala, to check on the frequency that each sex wanted to either be asked out, or wanted to do the asking, and the actual number of times each sex had done so in the last year. We administered an online survey to 87 heterosexuals (31 males, 55 females), most of whom were undergraduate college students (Mills, Janiszewska & Zabala, 2011). Most of the survey participants had been single in the past year, or, if they were in a relationship, they were asked to think back to the last year that they were single.

The first question we asked was whether they preferred to ask someone out, or would rather be asked out on a date.

Percentage of males and females who would prefer to be asked out, or ask someone out.

As noted in the histogram, a great majority of the women, 93%, preferred to be asked out -- only 6% perferred to do the asking. The majority of men preferred to do the asking, 83%, while 16% preferred to be asked out on a date. It is interesting that more men preferred to be asked out (16%) than there were women who preferred to do the asking (6%). That difference suggests that 10% of men may be waiting quite a while for a woman to ask them out on a first date.

Preferences are one thing, but what about actual behavior? We asked the survey participants how many times they had asked someone out on a first date in the past year.

Number of times subjected asked someone out on a date in the last year

As can be seen in the histogram, males reported significantly more instances of asking someone out in the past year. On average males asked four women out on a first date in the past year. In contrast, most females did not ask anyone out on a first date in the past year.

We also asked how many times the survey participants had been asked out on a first date in the past year. On average, males reported that they had been asked out about once. Females reported that, on average, they had been asked out about 5 times.

Number of times subjected has been asked out on a date in the last year

Men of my generation, who went to college in the 70s and 80s, mostly embraced the goals of the feminist movement. Greater equality, or at least equity, between the sexes seemed fair. And, from a male perspective, there might be some benefits for us as well -- including less inhibited female sexuality and the anticipation that women would begin asking us out on first dates. So we waited. And waited... and... we are still waiting!