If you really love me, please misunderstand me

Empathy regarding personal relationships is twofold. Love can make us blind or clear-sighted. We distort the reality when we deeply idealize our beloved one, and when we get suspicious or angry about him or her. In the former case we overestimate one's virtues and capabilities. In the latter we underestimate these aspects. Further, when in love, we tend to presume that our partner resembles us, we falsely guess this partner has similar tastes, values, and opinions. Also, we often misunderstand those to whom we are attracted when we overestimate their feeling towards us. This is especially true regarding men, who believe that, when pronounced by a women, the true meaning of "no" is "yes" or "a little bit later".

Love may also make us clear-sighted by allowing us to perceive the inner, yet currently hidden qualities of those whom we love. Love gives the possibility of foreseeing what they may ultimately become.

Love oscillates between two extremes: projection of the self and identification with the other. We may believe that our beloved one is very similar to us - and therefore, a good person - or tend to an affective and cognitive merging with the partner, wherein the limits between the selves are fading.

Empathy is twofold because it involves an affective and a cognitive component. We can feel our partner's inner emotional state; feel happy, upset or distressed like him and with him. We can also understand what he is thinking, the reasons that stand beyond his acts, and plan his later behavior.

Empathy is twofold because it can be both desired and feared. People may be motivated to accurately infer their partner's feelings and thoughts, or to avoid accurate evaluations. Previous research (e.g., Simpson, Ickes & Blackstone, 1995) has found that motivation to inaccurately infer a partner's inner state occurs when relationship-threatening information is provided, or when the relationship status is uncertain. For example, when female participants are told a very attractive woman might interact with their partner, they suddenly become poor decoders of their partner's thoughts and feelings. Comparable findings are found when people are uncertain about the strength and future of their relationship. People avoid the awareness of any information that could harm the relationship. Therefore, those who declare being satisfied with their relationship are also those who protect it by conveniently closing their eyes to an impending threat. They understand quite well their partner's reactions when discussing concerns that do not challenge the couple's future, but they misunderstand their partner when the discussion might hurt or destabilize.

Empathic accuracy is perceived more positively when it proceeds from someone of the same sex (Lamy, 2006). One possible interpretation is that empathy is understood as a superiority towards other persons, or as a kind of strategic weapon in the context of inter-sex rivalry. It is a means by which we can gain influence and control the relationship. When applied to ourselves, it becomes an intrusion, an indiscreetness threatening our freedom. And therefore, we prefer those who are close to us to be poor investigators of the details in our life (e.g., the names of our contacts in our mobile phone's memory, or the reasons why we are so anxious to call back a mere colleague at 11 pm).