The Happiness Project

I Forgot St. Patrick's Day! Note to Self: Remember April Fools' Day.

Gretchen Rubin — Fri, 19 Mar 2010 16:02:01 +0000

One of my resolutions is to Invent a tradition (oxymoron acknowledged), and one of my favorite new traditions is the holiday breakfast.

On holidays, I try to make breakfast festive. This is a great tradition because it's fun, easy, and quick. It doesn't take much to dress up breakfast.

Wednesday, however, we were out the door and on the way to school when I caught sight of a man wearing a green shirt and a green tie. I realized I'd forgotten to do a holiday breakfast for St. Patrick's Day! It probably would have consisted of nothing more than dying the milk green, but still, that would have been fun.

To keep from making the same mistake, I made a special note in my calendar for April Fools' Day. We've had a lot of fun with that holiday in the past. What prank should I play this year? I have to figure that out. Your ideas welcome.

* Oh, how I love Discovery's site Puzzlemaker. If you want to create a homemade, personalized card or gift, it's a great resource.

* Check out the Happiness Project Toolbox. This free companion site pulls together eight fun tools that you can use to launch and track your own happiness project. You can also see what other people are doing for their happiness projects -- which is addictively fascinating.

Eighteen Tips for “Little Things” to Boost Your Happiness at the Office.

Gretchen Rubin — Thu, 18 Mar 2010 16:30:57 +0000

Your happiness at work will depend mostly, of course, on how much you like your job and your co-workers. But, as Samuel Johnson observed, “It is by studying little things that we attain the great art of having as little misery, and as much happiness as possible.”

Here are some little things to consider that have helped me find more happiness at work. A few minor adjustments can give a real boost in mood and comfort. Even if these suggestions don't relate directly to your particular job, you might be able to adapt the strategy for your workplace.

Your work space:

1. Check for eyestrain: put your hand to your forehead in a salute. If your eyes feel relieved, your space is too bright.

2. Get a good desk chair and take the time to adjust it properly. (A friend works at a big company where they have a person who specializes in this task!)

3. Sit up straight and lower your shoulders—every time I do, I instantly feel more energetic and cheerier.

4. Think about how your space could be more pleasant. Could you invest in some desk accessories to help stay organized? Could you replace that hideous lamp?

5. Get a phone headset. I resisted for a long time, because it looks so preposterous, but it’s really much more comfortable, and it lets me walk around when I'm on the phone, which boosts my energy. I also initially resisted the advice to…

6. Get additional monitors. I now have three monitors, and they make me so happy! The ability to have multiple pages up at once saves me a huge amount of time. (Back to #1: after I got my three monitors, I noticed that my face hurt. I finally realized that my three monitors were all set to maximum brightness, so I’d been squinting all day. Turning down the brightness levels fixed the problem.)

6. Don’t keep treats around. A handful of M&Ms each day will mean a weight gain five pounds by year’s end.

7. Periodically, take time to deep-clean the loose papers that have piled up. I usually do this specifically because I need the shot of the wonderful calm it brings.

Your day:

8. Try never say “yes” on the phone; instead, say, “I’ll get back to you.” When you’re actually speaking to someone, the desire to be accommodating is very strong, and can lead you to say “yes” without enough consideration.

9. Take care of difficult calls or emails as quickly as possible. Procrastinating just makes it harder; getting them done gives a big boost of relieved energy. (Here are some tips for making phone calls you don’t want to make.)

10. When accepting a responsibility, imagine that it’s something that you’ll have to do next week. That way you don’t agree to something just because it seems so far off that it doesn’t seem onerous.

11. Be honest about how you’re spending your time. You feel overwhelmed, but are you really working hard? How much time do you spend surfing the internet, chatting on the phone or with colleagues, looking for things you’ve misplaced, or doing a task that’s really someone else’s job?

12. Go outside at least once a day, and if possible, take a walk. The sunlight and activity is good for your focus, mood, and retention of information.

13. Even if you can’t go outside, take a ten-minute break each hour. Studies show that the break boosts your retention level.

14. Don’t let yourself get too hungry.

15. Let yourself stay ignorant of things you don’t need to know.

16. Try to make a lunch date with someone outside the office at least once a week.

17. This may be the hardest: figure out a way to control technology so you don’t feel distracted and hunted. Turn off your email; turn off your phone; disconnect from the internet; figure out a way to set limits so you can concentrate when you need to, and disengage when you need to. Technology is a good servant but a bad master.

18. Be nice to your co-workers. This is the right way to behave, and it will also serve your best interests, if you need that justification. In situation evocation, for example, we spark a response from people that reinforces a tendency we already have — for example, if I act irritable all the time, the people around me are probably going to treat me with less patience and helpfulness, which will, in turn, stoke my irritability.

What else? What are some other "little things" to boost happiness at work?

* I had a lot of fun doing this video interview on the very cool site, Big Think -- and also reading the accompanying blog post.

* It’s Word-of-Mouth Day, when I gently encourage (or, you might think, pester) you to spread the word about the Happiness Project. You might:
-- Forward the link to someone you think would be interested
-- Link to a post on Twitter (follow me @gretchenrubin)
-- Sign up for my free monthly newsletter (about 39,000 people get it)
-- Buy the book
-- Join the 2010 Happiness Challenge to make 2010 a happier year
-- Put a link to the blog in your Facebook status update
-- Watch the one-minute book video
Thanks! I really appreciate any help. Word of mouth is the BEST.

A Happy Story of Virtue Rewarded. Plus the Weekly Video.

Gretchen Rubin — Tue, 16 Mar 2010 13:24:38 +0000

Every night, when I tuck my older daughter into bed, I lay down next to her for ten or fifteen minutes. Every once in a while, she asks me to “tell a happy story,” and the following story is one of her favorites. I've repeated it to her many times.

I got the story from an acquaintance who lives in Geneva, who emailed me this account:

"I went into Harrods in London (huge department store I am sure you have heard of!) to buy some Minton China plates for a wedding anniversary which was to be a group gift from friends to other friends in Geneva. Having only 30 minutes between meetings, I whizzed there in a taxi from the office and battled through the milling people on the 2nd day of the sales on the ground floor up to the 5th to the china department. There was a chap standing there who was obviously a sales person who I rushed up to and asked if he had this particular china? in stock? would it take long to wrap? etc., He was amazing. He got the plates in seconds, wrapped them up, asked me if I wanted a store card to which I replied no, because I lived in Switzerland, to which he replied asking if, as I lived abroad would I like a tax rebate form, showed me what to do and produced a map of the store of where I should go for the formalities. Amazing, so I thanked him and said what wonderful service he had given me and did he give this to everyone? With that a tall man in a grey suit approached me offering his hand to shake mine saying, “Can I introduce myself, I am the Chief Executive of Harrods and what an interesting conversation I have just heard”…. He had been wandering through the store (as you should do as a hands-on CEO!) and had overheard me thanking this salesman - whose face, I can hardly describe, was – frozen in a mixture of delight awe and astonishment! Can you imagine the salesman going home to his family and friends recounting, “the day the CEO spoke to him after overhearing him being praised by a customer”……….

For me, one of the most satisfying basic story lines is "Virtue rewarded." I love all stories in which virtue is recognized and rewarded. To have been an instrument to see virtue rewarded...thrilling to contemplate. Apparently my daughter feels the same way!

* 2010 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2010 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year, this month’s focus is Work. Last week’s resolution was to Enjoy the fun of failure. Did you try to follow that resolution? Did it help to boost your happiness? This week’s resolution is to Ask for help.

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Ask for help.
A key to happiness: Ask for help. Why? Because other people can help you solve your problems.

If you're new, here’s information on the 2010 Happiness Challenge (or watch the intro video). It’s never too late to start! You’re not behind, jump in right now, sign up here. For more ideas, check out the Happiness Project site on Woman’s Day.

* If you've never checked it out, Chris Guillebeau's site, The Art of Non-Conformity, has a huge amount of great material. When I was at SXSW, it occurred to me that every time I've met for the first time a blogger whose blog I read, the blogger has always matched the blog. I met Chris for the first time, and his blog perfectly reflects him.

* On Twitter? Follow me @gretchenrubin.

Relish the Moment. In My Case, Ten Weeks on the Bestseller List.

Gretchen Rubin — Sat, 13 Mar 2010 23:17:35 +0000

In his book Happier, Tal Ben-Shahar describes the “arrival fallacy,” the belief that when you arrive at a certain destination, you’ll be happy. (Other fallacies include the “floating world fallacy,” the belief that immediate pleasure, cut off from future purpose, can bring happiness, and the “nihilism fallacy,” the belief that it’s not possible to become happier.) The arrival fallacy is a fallacy because arriving rarely makes you as happy as you expect.

Usually, by the time you’ve arrived at your destination, you’re expecting to reach it, so it has already been incorporated into your happiness. You quickly become adjusted to the new state of affairs. And of course, arriving at one goal usually reveals a new goal. There’s another hill to climb.

There are two strategies that I use to combat the very powerful effects of the arrival fallacy.

First, I remind myself to appreciate the happiness of the process, in the atmosphere of growth afforded by making gradual progress toward a goal (technical name: pre-goal attainment positive affect). The fun part doesn’t come later, now is the fun part. One of my Twelve Personal Commandments is "Enjoy the process."

Second, I discipline myself to relish the moments of arrival when I reach them. Instead of immediately taking an accomplishment for granted, and moving the bar higher, as I'm wont to do, I pause to enjoy the view.

I'm following my resolution to "Relish the moment" right now, in fact. As of this week, The Happiness Project has been on the New York Times bestseller list for ten straight weeks since publication -- it hit #1 and has never dropped below #4. Yay! And that makes me extremely happy. I'm taking the time to revel in it.

A happy memory from my childhood: To celebrate a very big moment of professional "arrival," my father bought my mother, my sister, and me a special present, to celebrate. We each chose what we wanted. I still have the gold chain that I picked out.

Hitting a goal is an element of happiness, and so is the process of working toward a goal. Nietzche explained it well: “The end of a melody is not its goal; but nonetheless, if the melody had not reached its end it would not have reached its goal either. A parable.”

How about you? Do you have trouble relishing the moment, when you've arrived at a particular place? How do you remind yourself to enjoy the view?

* I was mesmerized by this strange, beautiful stop-motion video featuring shells and the beaches of Wales.

* In a book group? If you'd like a copy of the reading-group discussion guide for The Happiness Project, just email me at grubin [at] gretchenrubin [.com]. (Sorry to write in that odd way; trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “reading group guide” in the subject line. I’ll send it right off.

Eleven Tips for Boosting Your Sense of Quiet Focus

Gretchen Rubin — Thu, 11 Mar 2010 14:39:46 +0000

We all know the feeling of being overwhelmed, of being beset by distractions.

The problem is – too many things are clamoring for your attention. People are trying to reach you, by phone, email, text, Twitter, IM, or old-fashioned yelling up the stairs. There are the interesting subjects you want to learn more about, on the TV or the internet or the newspaper. Noises in the background occasionally catch your ear, from the TV or radio. Your kids all talk at the same time. Colleagues interrupt. You need to update, check in, post, or ping. Ads jump at you from the most unlikely places. Devices buzz, ring, chirp, and vibrate.

It’s enough to drive you crazy. You lose your train of thought, you forget what you’re doing, you have trouble re-engaging in a task, you feel besieged.

But there are steps you might consider to quiet the buzz in your brain – even if you don’t want to take up meditation.

In addition to feeling calmer and more focused, you’ll probably be more efficient, too. Turns out that people aren’t very good at thinking about two things at once. One study showed that when people were interrupted to respond to email or IM, it took about fifteen minutes for them to resume a serious mental task. So consider taking steps like these, at least occasionally:

1. If you keep the TV, radio, or music turned on in the background – while you’re getting dressed, say – turn it off.

2. I have a sticky note in my bedroom that reads, “Quiet mind.” Whenever I see it, I drop my shoulders, relax my jaw, and try to smooth out my thoughts. It actually works.

3. During family time, divide up your children among adults. If possible, have one child per adult. And don’t check your emails or the internet while you’re with your child!

4. Cut down on the multi-tasking. Don’t talk on the phone while you’re doing dishes, don’t check your email while you listen to a conference call, don’t sort the mail while your child explains the school project that’s due next week.

5. Turn your cell phone ringer off. Hearing your cell phone ring – or even imaging that you’re hearing it ring – is a big source of jumpiness.

6. Take a break from doing errands. Keep a list, but don’t try to cram them in throughout your day.

7. Only use the internet to look up specific pieces of information; no jumping from link to link, no browsing.

8. Turn off your email for some parts of the day.

9. Twyla Tharp had an interesting approach: occasionally, for a week, she’d “stop counting.” She avoided looking at clocks, contracts, bank statements, bathroom scales, or anything to do with numbers, in order to let the other part of her brain take over.

10. Exercise. I find that if I don't exercise regularly, I'm too jumpy and restless to sit still and concentrate. I keep popping up and down. It's true that taking regular breaks is good for focus -- but within limits!

11. Flee temptation. I find it hard to work in my home office, because my family, the phone, my email, and the internet constantly beguile me away from my work. So when I have serious writing to do, I go to a library near my apartment which has a study room with a strict rule of silence.

It’s important to have space in which to think. Yesterday, I overheard someone complain, “I left my Blackberry at home, so I was so bored during my cab ride home. I just had to sit there.”

There are few things that I love more than looking out the window of a car, train, or bus. One day, when I was gazing out of a bus window, I was struck by a thought: “What do I want out of life?” “Well,” I thought, “I want to be happy.” It occurred to me that I never thought about whether I was happy or not, or how I could be happier, or even what it meant to be happy. “Zoikes,” I thought, “I should have a happiness project!” If I’d been checking my emails, I might never have had the idea for the happiness project.

What other strategies have you found to help you keep a quiet focus?

* Gratitude is extremely important to happiness, and keeping a "gratitude journal” is an oft-recommended exercise, but my gratitude journal never had much effect on me. I just found it annoying, and my journal was very dull. On this charming site, Thxthxthx, however, the writer manages to be very funny and engaging -- and also show genuine gratitude.

"The Office," Pam and Jim, and the Mystery of Love. Plus the Weekly Video.

Gretchen Rubin — Tue, 09 Mar 2010 15:02:02 +0000

My husband and I record The Office and watch it together, so I felt a little guilty for catching this scene on live television the other night, until I realized it was a re-run. But I couldn’t turn the channel – the scene featured my two favorite characters, Pam and Jim, and I’d never seen it before.

A friend told me that when she was studying to be a family therapist, they’d watch clips of the Carol Burnett show, Mama’s Family, because it showed how to do everything wrong. I love watching Pam and Jim, because it’s the rare instance on television of watching people behave in a loving way in a loving relationship.

In this scene, Jim surprises Pam by driving her to his parents’ house and announcing that he’s bought the house. At first, he’s excited and proud of his cleverness – by buying from his parents, they’ll save a ton of money, etc. We see Pam’s stunned look as she takes in the low ceilings, the ugly art bolted to the wall, the shag carpet, the garage that Jim tried to fix up as a makeshift art studio for her.

Jim begins to panic as he sees the house through her eyes and realizes the magnitude of what he’s done. This is where the beauty of the scene begins.

Instead of getting angry or defensive, Jim acknowledges the reality of how Pam might be feeling. He acknowledges that he made a huge step that involved both of them without consulting her. He acknowledges that she might hate it, might want them to do something else. He gives her a way to disagree with what he’s done.

There’s a long, agonizing pause. Then Pam says, “I love it.” Jim can’t believe his ears. Pam repeats, “I love it! You bought me a house.” She hugs him, and says again, “You bought me a house.”

It made me so happy to see watch that unfold. I have to say, it brought tears to my eyes.

Then it occurred to me…

One of my resolutions is to Imitate a spiritual master, and my spiritual master is Saint Therese of Lisieux. I often puzzle over a particular line she wrote, an observation that seems very significant to me, but that I don’t really understand: “for the love of God and my Sisters (so charitable toward me) I take care to appear happy and especially to be so.”

What does Therese mean by this, exactly?

But this scene from The Office suggests the meaning of Therese’s words. What if Pam looked around the house and hated it -- but then realized that the truly loving thing to do for Jim would be decide to love it, to love Jim’s gift to her, of which he was so proud, that he had worked so hard to give? And not just to pretend to love it, but actually to love it? To appear happy but especially to be so.

Now, to pretend to be thrilled to live in a house that you hate is beyond the capacity of ordinary people. But a great saint like Therese, who practiced heroic virtue, could do it. Something to think about.

(When I tried to watch this scene again on the internet, I couldn’t find it – but I did discover that it’s “Frame Toby,” the ninth episode in the fifth season, and aired November 20, 2008. Please post the link if you know where it is! I’m paraphrasing from memory here.)

* 2010 Happiness Challenge: For those of you following the 2010 Happiness Project Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year, this month’s focus is Work. Last week’s resolution was to Aim higher. Did you try to follow that resolution? Did it help to boost your happiness?

This week’s resolution is to Enjoy the failure.

If you want to read more about this resolution, check out…
Enjoy the fun of failure.
Enjoy the fun of failure. At least try.
How I managed to make myself happier after a big professional disappointment.

"In Order That People May Be Happy in Their Work, These Three Things Are Needed..."

Gretchen Rubin — Mon, 08 Mar 2010 14:24:41 +0000

"In order that people may be happy in their work, these three things are needed: They must be fit for it. They must not do too much of it. And they must have a sense of success in it."
--John Ruskin

Agree? Disagree?

* Interested in starting your own happiness project? If you’d like to take a look at my personal Resolutions Chart, for inspiration, just email me at gretchenrubin1 [at] gmail [.com] -- and don't forget the "1". (Sorry about writing it in that roundabout way; I’m trying to thwart spammers.) Just write “Resolutions Chart” in the subject line.

Use Up What You Have.

Gretchen Rubin — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 17:01:53 +0000

I'm working on my Happiness Project, and you could have one, too! Everyone’s project will look different, but it’s the rare person who can’t benefit. Join in -- no need to catch up, just jump in right now. I’ve found an easy way to expand my wardrobe, find more books to own and read, discover movies to watch, and unearth lovely objects to use – all without leaving my apartment or spending a penny.

How? I’ve resolved to Use up what I have. Why is this so hard to do? It’s so satisfying, when I do manage to make myself do it.

The most enigmatic of my Twelve Personal Commandments is to Spend out. I have a miserly, ungenerous nature; by spending out, I mean to stop hoarding, to trust in abundance, to put things in circulation – and to use what I already have.

This resolution comes up in several situations.

Sometimes, I don't use up what I have because I love to acquire. In most cases, I hate to shop, but I buy books, more and more books, even though I have a huge stack of unread books waiting for me. Before I was married, I was very disciplined about never having more than three unread books at a time. My husband didn’t observe this rule at all, and before long, I became a drive-by book-buyer, just like him. If I just read the books I already have, I would be set for months without a single purchase. I'm trying to do that.

Sometimes, I don’t make the effort to use up what I have. Instead of taking a minute to think creatively about how to wear all my clothes, I wear the same tired outfits over and over. I can expand my wardrobe just by wearing all my clothes.

And sometimes I find myself saving things instead of using them, even when that makes no sense. I buy new white t-shirts, then “save” them. I don’t use the lovely stationery my sister gave me for Christmas, I’m “saving” it. But not using things is the same as wasting them. I want to put things to work and use them up.

Using up what I have is a way to clear clutter, too. If I’ve read a book, I can consider giving it away (usually I keep my books, but not always). If I’ve really tried to wear a particular item of clothing, and just can’t do it, I can give it away instead of telling myself, “I should wear that!” and keeping it in my closet. If I’ve decided it’s time to buy a new toothbrush, I should throw away the old toothbrush instead of trying to “save” the new one.

The opposite of a great truth is also true, and it’s true that there can be great satisfaction in pleasing stores – the cozy feeling created by shelves stocked with all the things you need.

In some circumstances, I like having lots of supplies, but in general, I’m trying to use up what I have.

How about you? Does this ring true for you?

* I love New York City, so I loved this video capturing a day in the life of the city. Plus, my husband's former office building makes a cameo appearance, which is fun.

* The book The Happiness Project has been bouncing around at the top of the New York Times bestseller list for nine weeks now! – including hitting #1! You can...
Order your copy!
Read sample chapters!
Watch the one-minute book trailer!
Join the discussion on the Facebook Page!
If you're inspired to start your own happiness project, join the 2010 Happiness Challenge, to make 2010 a happier year.

Happiness Is…a Great Book Event in Philadelphia.

Gretchen Rubin — Fri, 05 Mar 2010 15:28:06 +0000

This week, I was in Philadelphia to talk about The Happiness Project, thanks to the kind efforts of the Joseph Fox Bookshop and the Hyatt at the Bellevue. The talk was in a beautiful space next to a glamorous bar complete with fireplace, views, and a Happiness Cocktail devised for the evening!

I was particularly pleased to go to Philadelphia, because the University of Pennsylvania has a program for people to get a Master of Applied Positive Psychology degree – so it’s a real center for people interested in the subject of happiness. I had the chance to talk to some people involved with the program, which has long interested me.

Also, there’s a happiness Meetup group there, happierPhilly, and thanks to the organizer Andrew Rosenthal, I got to meet some of the members before the talk.

Ten Common Myths About Happiness.

Gretchen Rubin — Thu, 04 Mar 2010 15:07:11 +0000

Lately, I’ve found myself frequently discussing several of ten common myths about happiness, so I decided to post the complete list here.

No. 1: Happy people are annoying and stupid. This is an automatic assumption that many people make.

No. 2: Nothing changes a person’s happiness level much.

No. 3: Venting anger relieves it.

No. 4: You’ll be happier if you insist on “the best.”

No. 5: A “treat” will cheer you up.

No. 6: Money can’t buy happiness.

No. 7: Doing “random acts of kindness” brings happiness. The emphasis here is on the word "random."

No. 8: You’ll be happy as soon as you… Falling into the "arrival fallacy" is something that many people (including me) recognize in themselves.

No. 9: Spending some time alone will make you feel better.

No. 10: The biggest myth: It’s selfish to try to be happier.

Agree? Disagree? Am I missing an important myth?

* Via HeadButler, I read the moving eulogy for writer Robert B. Parker, written by his son.