The Friendship Doctor

Send in your friendship questions and quandaries and get expert answers and solutions

by Irene S. Levine, Ph.D.

Making time for a friend at a different stage of life

My problem is one friend in particular, who accused me of being "stingy" with my time and ungenerous. I was hurt, mostly because she lashed out with such venom. I pointed out to her that she was only making time for me in large group settings and that her full-time job, family, trips, and other activities made it nearly impossible to see her. Read More

Cultivating your inner Jennifer Aniston: 9 Characteristics of Likeable People

If someone asked you to characterize actress Jennifer Aniston, after "beautiful" and "talented, the next word that might come to mind would be "nice." She appears to be likeable. Read More

TMI: Try the 'less social' approach

Like the seasonal flu, we all get a touch of social media fatigue from time to time. Whether it's Facebook, Twitter, LinkedIn, Foursquare or something else, there are days when there's too much information (TMI) out there-from too many people who are actually pretty peripheral to our lives. We worry about privacy, too, and whether we're giving away too much of our selves. Read More

Should I worry about my daughter's friendships?

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

My 7-year-old daughter, soon to be 8, seems to be having some problems, and I am not sure how concerned I should be. I have two daughters; the younger one is 6. Even while writing this I am thinking, they are babies, but I do have concerns about my older daughter. Read More

Ending a one-sided friendship: How can I get her to stop IM-ing me?

It's gotten to the point that as soon as I see that she's online, I immediately sign off, which then infuriates me that I'm doing these things just so she won't contact me. I started off wanting to simply downgrade the friendship, but it's as if she won't let me! It's wearing me out, and it's affecting my other friendships Read More

Finding Friends on a Large College Campus

I'm a college freshman at a large state university. I chose not to join a sorority because it's really not my thing, and I've had some difficulties joining campus organizations. They don't make it easy to join clubs here. I've made a few friends, but no one close yet, and I feel that it's been a long time not to develop any close relationships.

We like to imagine that we'd do anything for our closest friends and loved ones. But "anything" is a huge, elastic concept. Would we really do "anything," or even want to do "anything"? When the abstract turns concrete, things can look very different. Read More

Disappearing Acts: Should you think the best or assume the worst?

It is hard to know if lengthy silences and withdrawals by friends are because they are trying to dump you or because they are busy and a little neglectful. I especially grapple with this at birthdays and at Christmas time, often continuing to send cards or emails because I assume the best---that my friends are just busy.

My daughter is 14-years-old. She is very bright and is in the top 1/3 in all her classes. She is also involved in a music group, does drama, teaches music to younger children, sports, dancing and ballet---a general all-rounder. However I worry as she has no close friends and she feels very much an outcast at school. Read More

Guest Post: Is it better to walk alone or persevere with boring friendships?

by Haydn Thomas

The most important thing to me is my friendships. It is true that I do not have very many friends. I have found this to be the best way. Having many friends always seemed like a crazy idea to me. How can you be expected to give time to yourself and many friends without burning yourself out? Read More

Taking a gamble on a friendship

I'm a young minded person and get along with mostly every one. I have a 24-year-old daughter of my own so I made sure to never put my two cents in when this friend would talk about her relationship with her fiancé.

In what claims to be the first study of its kind, Christopher Sibona, a doctoral student in the Computer Science and Information Systems program at the University of Denver looked at the reasons why people get unfriended on Facebook. Read More

Change of Plans? My BFF fell in love with my roommate

Dear Irene,

I'm 22, and my best friend Allie and I have been friends for 11 years. We went to middle and high school together, and stayed incredibly close despite four years at different colleges in different cities, and a year in different countries. We have traveled many times together, and decided last year that in October 2010 (post college graduation), we would go on a year-long trip together, working on different farms throughout the United States. I thought our friendship was incredibly resilient, but now I'm not so sure.

Close friendships among business competitors can actually result in enhanced profitability, according to a new report from researchers at the BI Norwegian School of Management. Read More

She asks: Should I throw the Maid of Honor under a bus?

Bride invites me to the bridal shower, the bachelorette party and wedding. Says call Maid of Honor for details. Maid of Honor doesn't call/text or email back. Bride says she is bummed I didn't make it, but I tried to. What do I do? Throw the Maid of Honor under the bus?

Dear Irene, My best friend has become overly dependent on me. She's been living in another state for the last few years but we see each other, on average, once every three months and talk multiple times a day, via phone, text and AIM. Read More

When anxiety gets in the way of friendship

Dear Irene, I am a college sophomore and have had relatively few close friendships. I'm okay with not having a lot, but have always wanted at least one really close friend. Last year I roomed with a girl who has become a very good friend. Read More

Handling a teenage daughter's friendship dramas

My daughter is in high school has had problems keeping friends since elementary school. From what I have observed when her friends are at our home, she can be bossy and opinionated, but she is fun to be with. It seems like there is constant drama. This past summer she received an anonymous "hate letter" that has left her reeling and feeling as though she has no friends except for a new best friend. Read More

Guest Post - Friendship and Childlessness: The Mother Divide

When I was growing up in the 70s, the progressive view held that a person could live a rich, rewarding life full of close bonds, even if she didn't have kids. On prime-time Saturday nights, Mary and Rhoda in their studio singles apartments, Bob and Emily in their Chicago high rise mingled happily with friends and co-workers who were parents, and were accepted as equals despite their childless status. Read More

Do you trust your friends?

As often as I Google and check out Trip Advisor, Zagat, or Amazon for advice or product ratings, I'm just as likely to turn to a friend.

Some of my friends are born infomaniacs. They seem to know more than I do about everything. Others are niche specialists: Judy knows the menu of nearly every restaurant in Manhattan; Risa tracks the new arrivals at Home Goods and TJ Maxx. I depend on the knowledge base of my friends, online and off, to help expand my own.

QUESTION

Dear Irene,

I've had a long-time male friend since I was five years old, so about 48 years. We have stayed in touch even though he's been married and divorced 3 times and moved numerous times. He's also a best friend with my husband of 33 years.

Friendships are rarely perfect; they come in more flavors and textures than Ben & Jerry's ice cream. Sometimes, coming to terms with a less than perfect friendship is a matter of viewing it realistically, putting it in perspective, setting boundaries, and deciding to get and give what you can so the relationship is mutually rewarding. Read More

Angelina: Is Loneliness the Price of Success?

By outward appearances, 35-year-old Angelina Jolie seems to have it all: beauty, six incredible kids, and a life partner considered one of the most attractive men in the world. Her career success has also been meteoric; she's won an Oscar, two SAG awards and three Golden Globes. Earnings estimated at more than $20 million per year make her one of the highest-paid actresses in Hollywood. Yet, in a satellite interview with CNN's Sanjay Gupta earlier this month, she said, "I don't have a lot of friends I talk to."

The death of a close friend is extraordinarily painful, made that much more difficult because bereaved friends typically evoke little sympathy and support. This occurs even when the emotional connection between two friends is as strong as the bonds between siblings, spouses or partners. Read More

Guest Post - On a lost friendship by Emily L. Hauser

I have this friend. "Had" this friend, I suppose. I haven't heard from her in over two years. I had this friend. She was, by many measures, the best friend I'd ever had. Read More

BFF: DOB 1996 - Welcome to the Oxford English Dictionary

BFF n. (pl. BFFs) informal a girl's best friend: my BFF's boyfriend is cheating on her. - ORIGIN 1996: from the initial letters of best friend forever. For the second time this week, friendship has made the news (see the first report here). Read More

My clingy friend is getting on my nerves!

Dear Irene,

My best friend has been with me through the ups and downs of life since we were both eight years old. I'm now in my junior year at college. Four years ago, I decided to go to a state school and study to become a vet. I was ecstatic the day I received my acceptance letter but the next day, my friend got hers too. At first I was thrilled to have her go with me, but when I asked her why she wanted to go to the same school, she told me it was so I wouldn't be lonely.

A fascinating news report coming out of the British Science Festival in Birmingham confirms the tried and true saying: You can't have it all. Specifically, you can't fall in love with a new romantic partner and simultaneously juggle ALL your close friends, which typically average five in number. Read More

Friendship by the Book: Your So-Called Life

Released today, Your So-Called Life: A Guide to Boys, Body Issues and Other Big-Girl Drama You Thought You Would Have Figured Out By Now (Harper, 2010) is a self-described guide for thirty-somethings. This is a phase of life when friendships are in flux as women mate, marry and mother... Read More

Getting together with friends: A simple scheduling problem or more than that?

Dear Irene,

I've been hanging around with "Dina" for 15 years. A month ago, Dina told me she had run into an old friend of ours who wanted to get together with our old gang. She said she would arrange it and I told her I would help by contacting a few people within the group. Dina threw out a date and I told her clearly that I wasn't sure I could make that date since I would be starting a new job right around that time. Read More

Irene S. Levine, Ph.D., is a psychologist and professor of psychiatry at the NYU School of Medicine. Her latest book is Best Friends Forever: Surviving a Breakup With Your Best Friend.

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