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QUESTION
Dear Irene,
My sister and I used to be best friends. We had a tough time growing up. Our mother was (and still is) difficult so we supported each other a lot. As adults we remained close until recently.
About four years ago, I started psychotherapy and realized that I was mothering my sister. I also realized that my sister and I had a tendency of be overly dramatic, among other things. I decided to change the dynamics. Mainly, I try to gear conversations towards more positive subjects that we both enjoy and not blow the difficulties we meet in everyday life out of proportion.
I also stopped seeing my parents. We call on a regular basis but I haven’t seen them at Christmas, an important date in our family, for years. I develop stomach pains and become agitated at the prospect of being with them.
The relationship with my sister has gradually become strained. She is very unhappy with me because she finds me unavailable. I, on my side, am disappointed when she shouts at me and becomes critical, reminding me of the person we vowed to never resemble.
Maybe I should let go. Maybe when we are older and wiser, we will mellow again and enjoy each other’s company again. In the meantime, I am finding it hard and miss her and our old bond.
What do you think, Irene? Should we just let time do its thing?
Signed, Pam
ANSWER
Hi Pam,
Your letter is so reminiscent of many stories I’ve heard of spouses who go into therapy and change for the better, only to later discover that it causes more friction in their marriage.
In your case, you very slowly gained insight into some aspects of your personality and lifestyle that you wanted to change. But your sister didn’t have any desire to change the dynamic between you. She probably is reeling from these changes and misses the “old you” to which she had grown accustomed.
Given that you and your sister were once best friends and that your relationship with your parents is so compromised, I think you should make every effort to re-establish a healthy bond with your sister. It’s unlikely that time “will do its thing.” In fact, you may grow more alienated from each other.
You and your sister need to have a talk. You need to explain how you felt, why you were so invested in making changes, and figure out a way to connect that feels comfortable for both of you. If this is too difficult or uncomfortable for you and your sister to handle, you might want to see if your therapist is willing to help the two of you, not through psychoanalysis, but through a few short-term sessions.
Hope this helps.
Best, Irene
